Once we were Kings
by sweetp-1
Summary: Seth is the new kid at Forks High. The last thing he expects to find there is Edward...and his very own love story. Top 20 finalist in the Black Balloon contest, now continued. AU/OOC. M for language and slash love.
1. Once we were Kings

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Title: Once we were Kings**

**Your pen name: Sweetp-1**

**Characters: SethxEdward**

**Summary: Seth is the new kid at Forks High. The last thing he expects to find there is Edward...and his very own love story. Entry for the Black Balloon contest. AU/OOC. M for language and slash love.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own. Obviously.**

**To see other entries in the Black Balloon Contest, please visit the C2 page: ****.net/c2/78669/3/0/1/**

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It was pretty simple, really. I didn't want to be here.

Today was turning out to be exactly the nightmare I had been expecting. I shot another fuck-off-and-die glare at the bunch of pale-faces that were standing against the lockers giving me the new-kid once over. The purposefully too-loud whispers, the unashamed stares as the boys sized me up and the girls checked me out, the curiosity and attention all trained on me; it was making my palms sweat and my stomach heave. I stalked down the corridor and tried to remind myself that today would be the worst of it. After today, the novelty would start to wear off. After today, things would get better. Or so I hoped.

I took another glance at the piece of paper the old lady in the office had given me, checking I had the room number right. _Room 505. AP Biology with Mr. Banner._ I could barely read the tiny typeface because I'd crumpled up the paper so tight. My fists must have clenched around it on their own accord while I endured my walk of agony down the corridor. I tried to smooth it out as best I could, knowing all I was doing was delaying the inevitable.

There was nothing to do but to get it over and done with. I took a deep breath and pushed open the classroom door, preparing myself for the first class of my first day at my new school.

As I stepped through the door, I immediately felt my whole body tense, every nerve standing to attention, every muscle straining as adrenaline surged through my veins, my heart pounding like a bass drum in my ear. I clenched my eyes shut in concentration, willing my body to calm the fuck down, before something really, really bad happened.

_Leech_.

I was in the same fucking class as a leech! Which ever one it was reeked of death and decay, and I could feel my hackles rising as the sickly sweet stench burned my nostrils. It reminded me of the smell of fermenting fruit as it rots, and it made my stomach heave.

Inwardly, I cursed every fucked-up turn of events that had conspired to put me here, in this classroom of torture. If it wasn't for the promise I made my _dying _father, I would have been out of there, running as fast as my wolf paws could have carried me.

I groaned and made my feet move, one in front of the other, towards the teacher's desk. I barely heard a word he said as I handed over my slip by way of introduction. The urge to phase was building inside me, the pressure spreading along my limbs, quicksilver bubbling in my veins. I could almost feel the edges of my body begin to blur as the fine line between my two forms began to waver.

The wolf snarled and flashed his teeth.

Mr. Banner motioned to the desks by the window, and I heard him mumble something about only one seat left.

Of course, my allocated seat was right next to the bloodsucker.

For the briefest of moments, I considered breaking my mother's heart, crushing my father's dreams and getting the fuck out of there. It took every last drop of strength and determination to keep the wolf at bay as I made my way slowly to the other side of the class.

"You seriously need to get a grip!" The leech seethed at me as I reluctantly took my seat beside him.

"That would be a whole fucking lot easier if you weren't here!" I retorted under my breath, rolling my eyes at the pompous prick..._Ethan?...Edmund??..._I couldn't remember. The whole lot of them had weird names.

"Well, why don't you take a deep breath and calm down. You're attracting all the wrong kinds of attention." Edward_, yeah his name was Edward - the mind-reader one_, said sanctimoniously.

_Jesus, he's an arrogant ass. _

He shot me an unimpressed glare and I chuckled as I imagined myself flipping him the bird. He scowled again before returning his gaze to his textbook.

_If I'm going to be trapped in this hellhole with a leech, I might as well have some fun, right? _

Edward narrowed his creepy yellow eyes at me. "So, what did you get kicked out of the Reservation school for?" he asked, his tone thick with his holier-than-thou attitude.

"Setting fire to the school building," I answered quickly, trying to imagine myself crouched in front of the school gate with a lighter in hand.

Edward looked at me skeptically.

_Fuck. Maybe this mind-reading thing isn't going to be that much fun after all. _

I sighed. _They don't have AP classes there_, I thought, not wanting to say the words out loud.

Edward didn't look up from his book, but I saw the look of surprise that flashed over his chiseled features. He nodded slightly in acknowledgment.

I didn't have time to rustle up a fuck-you response to that because Mr. Banner chose that moment to launch into his lecture about cell division phases.

Edward and I didn't talk for the rest of the class, our mutual distrust and animosity falling between us like an invisible barrier. Mr. Banner was far from inspiring, but most of the material was new to me and the lesson passed quickly as I filled page after page of my book with notes and diagrams.

At the end of class, Edward stood quickly and gathered his books together.

"You don't smell so great yourself, you know," he said as he passed behind me on his way to the door.

Like I said, Edward was one stuck-up, arrogant asshole.

* * *

"Where are the rest of the...err... your family?" I asked, resisting the urge to call Edward a bloodsucker to his face.

"They're on a hunting trip," he said as he opened the door to their mansion house.

Edward had already explained about the Cullen's "lifestyle" but I still had a hard time getting my head around the idea of vampires who fed on animals, not humans. I huffed, deciding it was best not to dwell on it.

Hidden far off the roadside, the house was nestled in amongst the forest like it was a natural part of the scenery. I wasn't really into architecture and shit like that, but I had to admit that whoever had designed this place had done an excellent job of it. It looked like it was meant to be there.

Edward's "family" might not be home, but their vampire stench lingered in the air, much stronger than the small dose I was used to from sharing a desk with Edward. It was hard to believe that only a few short weeks ago, I probably would have gagged coming here. I guess I must have been getting used to the smell, because although it was still all kinds of unpleasant, it no longer made my stomach turn.

I watched as Edward finished setting up the table for us. His movements were so fast, he was almost a blur as he unpacked his school bag, piling the textbooks and folders on the dining room table. At school he was always so controlled, so carefully slow and human-like. I had never seen him move at his own natural speed before.

"Holy Shit!" I said, the words slipping out on their accord. I watched, captivated by his sleek speed and natural agility. I found myself wondering how fast he could run.

"Faster than you," Edward said smugly as he sat down at the table.

"Oh, is that right?" I challenged, raising my eyebrow at him.

"It is, indeed."

"Prove it!" I countered. There was no way I was letting a comment like that pass. There was nothing I wanted more than to beat him, and wipe that smug look off his lily-ass face.

"Alright," Edward said after a moment of consideration.

I had to admit, I was kind of surprised he agreed. Edward was as uptight as they came and I had a hard time imagining him out of his dress pants and Italian shoes, squaring off against me in a testosterone showdown. Visions of us crouching at the starting line of the school running track flashed through my mind, and I smiled as the images fast-forwarded to me whipping Edward's ass. The modest school field had now warped to an Olympic stadium and I grinned as, around us, the crowd erupted into cheers, cameras flashing as I was draped in flags and ribbons for my victory lap.

"Tomorrow after school. Meet me here. There's a place not far from here where we go to play baseball sometimes. _Obviously, _we need to do it somewhere we won't be seen," he said patronizingly.

I rolled my eyes at him. _Let a guy entertain his fantasies in peace and quiet for fuck's sake. Get out of my head. _

"Believe me, your fantasies are the last thing I want to be privy to."

"Well, stay out of my head then," I shot back at him. I mean, who the hell uses the word "privy" in this day and age? Edward seriously needed to loosen up and stop acting like he was a hundred years old.

"If you're quite finished now, maybe we should make a start on this assignment?"

"Right, yeah, whatever," I mumbled. As much as I hated having to work alongside him for this assignment, I had to admit, Edward was one smart vampire and I had a seriously good chance of getting an A in this class with his help. I had to keep reminding myself I was here for a reason, as torturous as every minute of my new schooling arrangement was, it was all for a higher purpose. I had a goal, and fuck it if I wasn't going to get there.

"U Dub? " Edward asked quietly. "Sorry, I know you said not to, but it's quite difficult for me to tune out every single thought, especially when you're so close." He almost sounded apologetic.

"Yeah. I'll be the first in my family to go to college," I said, trying to sound like it wasn't a huge deal, even though it was…to me. I was sure college was a given for Mr. Rich and Intelligent.

"Well, it's a good school. You'll like it there." Edward had dropped the sanctimonious tone and, for a moment, I almost forgot he was my sworn enemy.

"You've been?" I asked, trying not to let my excitement show.

"Yeah, a couple of times." He shrugged. "Not much else to do when you're trapped in a body this age," he said ruefully.

I hadn't thought about that before. I mean, I'd always assumed living forever would be awesome, that it must be great to have enough time to see and do everything you wanted. I guess I had never really considered what it would be like to have to do the same shit over and over again.

"What's it like?" I asked softly, my curiosity about what Edward could tell me about college getting the better of me. My mind filled with images of me wandering around campus with a backpack thrown over my shoulder, making my way to lecture halls and libraries.

"A bit like that," Edward smiled. "Except more parties and less like high school."

I liked the sound of that. I grinned.

"Well, I need to seriously improve my GPA if I even want to be considered, so that's why I got transferred. My Mom spoke to the Rez school, and they agreed I would have a better chance if I came over to Forks instead."

"But, you don't want to be there," Edward surmised.

It was true, I didn't want to be there. If there was any other option, I would have jumped at it. I hated being the only kid from the Rez – the only one with hand-me-down clothes and shoes that didn't fit, the only one with brown skin due to lineage not a tanning salon. The new kid stigma had worn off, but the collective cold-shoulder that had replaced it was almost worse. I was from the Rez and therefore, I wasn't worthy.

I hated being different.

"You're not the only one," Edward said with a sympathetic smile.

* * *

The 'baseball field' turned out to be a huge-ass clearing about two miles from the Cullen mansion. It was about twice as long as a football field, give or take a few yards. I eyed Edward's hulk of a brother standing at the far end. Edward had insisted we have an independent witness to make the final call on who crossed the line first. I was skeptical that another vampire was the right man_...freak...whatever..._for the job, but Emmett had pulled me aside and told me it was about time that Edward got his butt kicked and to go hard. I decided I quite liked Emmett. I don't know what he saw in Rosalie though. She was a class-A bitch and hadn't stopped moaning about how childish we were since we'd arrived there.

"I need to go and…um...change," I said awkwardly.

I could phase whenever I wanted now, the control having gotten better and easier the longer I had been in the pack. I could phase right then and there if I wanted to; the wolf was always just a breath away when I was close to a vampire. The only issue was, I only had the clothes I was wearing, and if I phased without getting naked first, I wouldn't have anything to wear once I was finished kicking Cullen's butt.

"Right. Go do what you need to do," Edward muttered, looking uncomfortable.

I jogged down the field, enjoying the chance to stretch my muscles and warm up before I ran for real. The field was even longer than I had thought, and I could feel my anticipation grow as I sped up, looking forward to the race to come and the chance to push my wolf form to its limit.

When I got to Emmett, I explained I needed to ditch my clothes in the woods and ambled off into the thick trees. Quickly, I peeled off my teeshirt and shorts and stashed them at the bottom of the biggest tree I could see, hoping it would be good enough of a landmark for me to find later.

I took a deep breath and searched inside myself for the animal that paced relentlessly under my skin. For the wildness and the power. For the taste of fresh air and freedom. For the wolf that lived within me.

The heat blazed through my body as I felt the wolf raise his muzzle to the sky, howling as the pressure built in intensity until I felt like my bones were going to crack. Then, there was a blinding flash of fire and blood and everything exploded.

I blinked, my wolf eyes seeing everything around me in perfect crystal clarity. I shook my sandy-colored coat, settling into my new skin.

Trotting at a leisurely pace, I emerged from the trees and let out a soft whine in greeting to Emmett.

"Whoa. Dude, you're like freakin' enormous!" Emmett exclaimed, eyeing my wolf form appreciatively. Wolves and vampires didn't usually socialize, mortal enemies and all that, and Emmett had told me he'd never seen one of our kind in our wolf form before. From what I could tell, he seemed to be impressed.

"I sure am going to enjoy seeing you whoop Edward's ass!" He laughed as I turned and trotted down the field towards my opponent.

Edward eyed my approach with a stony face, but with my enhanced vision I didn't miss the little flex of his jaw as my full size dawned on him. In my human form, Edward was about the same height as me - a bit over 6-foot - and in my wolf form my head was almost level with his shoulder.

I pulled my snout up in a snarl._ Bring it on leech!_

"May the best vampire win," Edward sneered at me.

Rosalie eyed me with disgust. "Are you ready, Edward?" At his nod she turned to me. "And you..._dog_?" she asked, without attempting to hide her disdain.

I growled at her. _Bitch_.

She huffed haughtily, but raised her hand as we crouched on our agreed starting line.

My breath was coming quick and heavy as the adrenaline began to course through my veins in anticipation. Every part of me tense and poised as I watched for her signal.

"GO!" she shouted, dropping her pale hand dramatically.

I pushed off the ground, leaping into the air, stretching myself out as I began to run like I had never run before.

The ground disappeared under my paws as I thundered down the field. I could hear the blood pulsing in my head and feel the air rushing past me as my four legs galloped over the grass.

I had no idea where Edward was, only the earth beneath my paws and the finish line in my sight.

The wolf reveled in the chance to make the muscles burn, to really run and push everything to the limit.

I vaguely heard a shout of glee as I hurtled past Emmett. Panting and exhausted, I took a moment to catch my breath before padding back to the finish line.

"Man! That was awesome!" Emmett whacked me on my rump enthusiastically. "I can't believe Edward finally got his ass whipped. By a wolf, no less!" he chuckled.

I won? YES! _Take that sissy boy!_

Edward was standing with his hands on his hips, a furious black scowl on his face.

"He _did not_ win!" he hissed at Emmett.

"Edward, don't be a poor loser. Seth won! Fair and square," Emmett sighed.

"No! He didn't!" Edward argued. "I looked across as I passed you and he was definitely behind me."

I could hear the anger in his tone, and his hands were clenched in fists at his side.

"Edward..." Emmett said warningly.

"You two cooked this whole thing up to get back at me. I just know it. I bet you planned it earlier when Seth phased. I bet that's the whole reason he went up to see you in the first place." Edward's voice trembled with restrained anger. "And I bet you loved every minute of taking my victory from me." He looked menacing as he stood right up in Emmett's face shouting his baseless accusations at him.

I seriously could not believe what I was hearing. _Fucking Edward, he's so self-absorbed and arrogant. Who the hell does he think he is? God's gift?  
_  
My own anger began to build inside me as I listened to his ranting. I snarled, baring my teeth, and stalked towards him, intent on making him shut the hell up.

One swipe of my paw was all it would take.

A low growl emanated from somewhere deep within me, and Emmett looked at me with wide, shocked eyes.

"Dude? You should, maybe, chill or something," he said cautiously, hands in the air in surrender.

His words cut through the red haze of my anger and I realized how close I had been to doing something I would certainly come to regret later. As good as it would have felt to wipe the scowl off of Edward's pretty face, I knew I was better than that.

I closed my eyes and reached deep within, willing myself to find the humanity; the emotions and order of my human mind. Deep within, where the memories were hidden safely away: the smell of my father's cigarettes, the feel of my mother's hugs, the sound of childhood laughter. I clung to the boy within and felt the rush of air as everything around me flickered. As I changed back to my human form, the power that surged through my body was enough to knock me to the ground.

When my breath eased and I felt sure it was just me - just plain Seth again - I stood and turned on Edward.

"Edward Cullen, you are one seriously self-absorbed asshole. It was _you _who insisted we have a judge, and it was _you _who asked Emmett to help, and now you can't accept what he has to say? Jesus, you are a piece of work. Have you always been this arrogant,or did you just get this way when you shoved that stick up your ass?" I yelled at him.

It felt good to be angry as a human. I knew there was no way I could accidentally hurt Edward now, and I could let loose with everything I wanted to say. I felt it boil in my veins, and I couldn't stop myself as more anger spilled from me.

"You're nothing more than a spoiled brat who can't handle it when he gets beaten."

"And," I added, figuring I may as well put it all out there. "Emmett is right. You are a poor loser. In fact, I've never met a more childish, pansy-ass, pathetic loser as you."

It took me a moment to realize Edward hadn't responded to anything I'd said. He was still standing there, a weird sort of shocked expression on his face as he watched me shout and abuse him.

And that was when I realized that I was completely and utterly, stark naked.

I had been so caught up in the argument I hadn't even given a thought to what would happen when I phased. Mortified, I covered myself with my hands, knowing a deep blush was painting my face red with embarrassment.

I glanced up at Edward, who averted his gaze quickly.

"I'm going to go change," I said angrily, before running into the trees to retrieve my clothes.

* * *

I drove home, still fuming about Edward's little tantrum. He was even a worse loser than Quil, and that was saying something. I scowled, gripping the steering wheel even tighter, my knuckles hurting as they strained across the plastic wheel, remembering how he had accused me of cheating.

_Bastard_.

My beat-up old truck creaked and groaned as I pushed my foot flat, wanting to put as much distance as possible between me and that arrogant sonofabitch. The rusty metal that was holding my truck together protested loudly as I motored down the highway, pissed off that Edward had soured my well-deserved win with his whining.

I sighed with relief when I finally made it home, pulling into our driveway too fast and sending a spray of gravel shooting into the air behind me. It wasn't dinner time yet but I was starving, and I hoped Mom had done some baking today. I jumped down from the cab and slammed the door shut.

I was surprised to see Sam sitting at the kitchen table when I walked in the house.

"Sam," I said, not entirely sure what he was doing at my house.

"Seth." There was something about the tone of Sam's voice that made me think this was anything but a social visit.

"Now that you're home, Seth, I'll just pop down to the grocery store," Mom said as she rustled in her handbag, looking for her keys. "Your father's sleeping, but just keep an ear out in case he wakes and needs you, okay?" I nodded. She said that every time she went out. I had been helping her care for Dad for six months. I knew the drill by now.

"You boys help yourself to whatever. There are some muffins in the pantry," she called out as she pushed open the screen door.

When I heard her car reversing out the driveway, I turned and looked at Sam, expectantly.

"What-the-fuck, Seth?" Sam was never one to waste time on pleasantries.

"What?" I said, shocked by his outburst and wondering what the hell he was on about. He was looking at me like I just murdered someone.

"Did you forget that half the pack would have a front row view of your little playdate this afternoon?"

Fuck.

I had completely forgotten the pack was patrolling this afternoon. Not only had I missed that, but it hadn't even occurred to me that they'd be able to see everything I was doing while I was in wolf form. I had been so wrapped up in our race, concentrating so hard on beating Edward, that I doubted I would even have heard them if any of them had called to me.

"It wasn't a playdate," I spat back at him. Inside I was squirming, knowing that I had fucked up and been caught on it.

"Yeah? What do you think your father would think about you hanging out with the tribe's sworn enemy? Did you think about that while you were out there showing off?"

Sam was fuming. I could almost feel the waves of fury that were rolling off him.

"I think he'd be pretty chuffed I kicked some vampire-butt, actually," I said quietly.

"They're our _enemies_, Seth. Don't you get it? They are the one and only reason you can phase into a wolf. The one and only reason there is a whole pack of wolves out there protecting our people every night. Do you want one of them fucking up and coming down here for dinner? Fuck, Seth! They are bloodsuckers; dangerous _freaks_. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

I could hear Sam's words, but to be honest I had a hard time equating the monsters that he described with the sophisticated and polite Cullens that I had met.

"I don't want you socializing with them anymore," Sam said bluntly as he folded his arms over his chest, all territorial and macho. He'd always been a god-awful bully and the sight of him standing there, trying to intimidate me in _my own home,_ set my teeth on edge.

"You're not my father, Sam. You can't tell me what to do." I glared at him. There was no way I was going to let him push me around. I could feel myself tensing, adrenaline rushing through my veins.

The wolf raised it's head in anticipation.

"I'm your Alpha. You best remember that." Sam's tone was low and menacing, and I was pretty certain that if I pushed him just a little bit more, he would hit me.

"But it's not that simple. They're at my school. Edward's my bio partner, for fuck's sake."

_Fuck Sam Uley. Where does he get off telling me who I can and can't be friends with?_

I blanched as I realized I no longer thought of the Cullens as enemies, but as _friends_. Edward especially - he pissed me off more than any other person I knew, but he was the only person who really got me. Despite our differences, he understood what it was like to have to constantly hide who you really were. He understood what it was like to be a freak. The two of us lived in a crazy, warped reality, where legends and fairytale creatures actually existed. With him, I didn't need to hide my secrets. With him, I didn't need to hide anything.

The thought that I was arguing with _Sam _because I wanted to spend more time with _Edward_ was not as unsettling as it should have been.

"Out of respect for your father, I'm not going to say anything about what I saw today, but I swear to you, on all that is Holy, if I find out you're hanging out with those leeches outside of school, I will do something about it. You're a smart cookie, Seth Clearwater. Why don't you use that over-sized brain of yours and figure out which side of the Treaty Line you belong on."

Sam stormed out of the house, slamming the screen door behind him.

I lay in bed that night thinking over everything that Sam had said. The Cullens and the Quileutes – sworn enemies who begrudgingly accepted each others' presence because of a century old agreement - and me, Seth Clearwater, right in the fucking middle. My head ached as I tried to make sense of the storm of thoughts and emotions that swirled in my mind.

The last thing I saw before sleep finally claimed me was Edward, standing in the baseball field, his eyes wide and hungry as he gazed at my naked body.

* * *

"Can I ask you something, Edward?"

"Sure," he said vaguely as he continued to fill in his Bio workbook with his elegant handwriting. The Cullen's house was deserted again, and we had come here again after school to work on an extra credit assignment.

"It's kind of a personal question," I added as an afterthought. Edward and I had a somewhat fledgling friendship, I guess you'd call it, and I still wasn't exactly sure where the lines were. I spent most of my time with the guy, but sometimes he could be a moody prick and I wasn't sure how he would react to the question I wanted to ask him.

Edward looked up at me. His eyes were amber today. Sometimes they were darker, like liquid gold. I used to think they were vile, but actually, they kind of suited him. He was already too handsome to be a mere mortal; too chiseled, too _perfect_. The eye color was just another thing that set him apart.

A soft smile passed over his face as he caught my thoughts.

"Why don't you have a partner?" I blurted out, horrified at what he had heard me think. "I mean, Emmett and Rosalie, Alice and Jasper…they've all hooked up and you haven't. So, I was just wondering, doesn't it get a bit weird being the only single one in a house full of couples?"

"If you mean, do I ever feel awkward and lonely? Then the answer is yes." Edward's stark honesty sent a little pang of pain through my chest.

"So, how does it work? Do you go looking for a human chick that you like, and then ask her parents if you can bite her and make her immortal? Or are there ways of meeting vampire girls? For all I know, there could be an online dating service for your kind. _"Pale cold one seeks equally undead mat_e," or some shit like that." I laughed at my own joke, even though it really wasn't that funny, or at least, Edward didn't seem to think so .

A flash of something painful passed over his face, but it was gone before I could figure out what it was.

"Vampires mate for life. I guess I just haven't found the right someone yet," he said quietly.

"We're like that too, you know," I said, wishing I had realized what a stupid question it was to ask in the first place. The last thing I wanted to do was make Edward upset.

"Like what?"

"We mate for life. Sometimes this thing, _imprinting_, happens. It's basically love at first sight, but I've heard it's harder and bigger. Like, you can't function if you're too far away from your imprintee. Or you literally die of a broken heart if they die. Like, you're bonded to this person; bewitched. And you don't have any control over it, it just happens to you. It's almost creepy when you think about it. It's supposed to be rare, but it happened to Sam. He imprinted on Emily, even though he was shacked up with my sister at the time." I cringed as the words vomited out of me.

"I probably shouldn't be telling you that," I said, embarrassed that I was spilling all the pack secrets and scandals to Edward.

"It's okay. I won't tell anyone," he laughed. "I've got one for you. The only reason Carlisle changed Rosalie was because he knew I was lonely and he thought she would make a good mate for me. But when she awoke after being changed and I heard how vain and shallow her thoughts were, there was no way I could go through with it. That's why she hates me: I rejected her. "

I laughed. "Kind of explains a lot."

"It took her awhile, but I think she got over it in the end. Especially after finding Emmett. She rarely thinks of it now," he said thankfully.

"Do you want to find that someone?" I asked suddenly, feeling selfish for asking something so personal, while at the same time morbidly fascinated by what his answer would be.

"Of course," he whispered. It didn't escape me that he didn't raise his eyes to me.

* * *

Mid-year exams were just two weeks away, and I was studying my ass off every chance I got. Every day after school, Edward and I would go up to the Cullen house and spend the afternoon going over notes and reading text books. We never went to my house, partly because Edward couldn't cross the Treaty Line, but mostly because there were always people coming and going there, and it wasn't exactly a quiet environment conducive to study.

Not to mention, I was trying to avoid hanging out anywhere Sam Uley could keep tabs on me.

The Cullen house was big enough that Edward and I could study in peace and quiet, and the truth was, I liked hanging out there. Rosalie was still a bitch with her remarks about my 'wet dog smell', but I gave as good as I got, and we came to a truce of sorts. Esme, Edward's pretend Mom, always welcomed me into her home with a genuine smile, bringing me food to eat - which I appreciated, knowing she only stocked the cupboards in case I came over. Alice and Jasper mostly stayed out of our way, which was fine by me, because that Jasper dude was odd.

The only one, apart from Edward of course, that I spent much time with was Emmett, who was cool and easy-going and couldn't care less about treaties, enemies, or whether or not we should be friends. The only thing he cared about was challenging my wolf form to more and more outrageous challenges...who could swim the furthest, who could break the biggest tree. I made sure we only hung out together when I knew the pack wasn't patrolling.

Even with the silly stuff Emmett and I got up to, Edward and I still got in a ton of studying, and I was beginning to think I might even have a good chance of cracking the GPA I needed. I was pretty sure Edward could get it without studying at all. Half the time, I think he just studied with me to keep me company.

That afternoon, Edward had talked about what we wanted to do when we graduated. He was the only soul I had ever told about my secret; that I wanted to go to Law School. My parents knew I wanted to go to college, preferably the University of Washington, which was close enough that I could come home and see Dad as much as I wanted, but I hadn't even told them about wanting to go to graduate school.

I was so nervous when I told him, I thought I might vomit. But Edward didn't laugh at me or tell me I was dreaming. He just smiled and offered to help me look at schools on the Internet.

"Why are you helping me, Edward?" I asked him, still a bit overwhelmed at his easy acceptance of what I considered to be a crazy pipe-dream.

"Because I believe in you, Seth," he said quietly as he laid his hand over mine. I gasped at the contact; he was so cold. Ice-cold.

He looked embarrassed and moved his hand from mine, but I grabbed it.

_It's not weird._

"You're really cold." I stated the obvious.

He laughed. "And you're really hot."

"I know," I said smugly, raising my eyebrow at him, the smart remark out of my mouth before I could engage my brain filter.

He looked shocked and pulled his hand from mine. "Do you want to look online now?" he asked suddenly, crossing the room to sit at his desk. His back was to me. but I could see the tense line of his shoulders - he looked uncomfortable.

It was only then that I realized that I, Seth Clearwater: Quileute and wolf, had practically been _flirting _with Edward Cullen: vampire, in his _bedroom_. There were so many things wrong with that realization that it took me another second to comprehend that I had been flirting with _another guy_.

Another guy who I was fast considering to be my best friend.

I shook my head. The craziest thing of all? I didn't care. I didn't care that Edward was a vampire. I didn't care that we shouldn't even be friends. I didn't even care that Edward was a guy.

I just found myself wondering why he didn't flirt back.

Ever since our conversation about why he didn't have a partner, a small part of my brain refused to let go of the idea that Edward might be into guys. It nagged at me, and I couldn't explain why I needed to know the answer so badly; I just did.

Edward coughed, interrupting my musings.

The blush that I had been expecting didn't come. I wasn't embarrassed by what Edward had heard me thinking; maybe there was even a part of me that _wanted _him to hear it.

There was work to do though, and information packs to download. I made myself concentrate on the task at hand for the rest of the afternoon.

It wasn't until later that night, that I could be alone with my thoughts again.

* * *

"C'mon man! Just try a little bit."

Edward looked at me warily, but took a sip of the moonshine I'd stolen from Dad's stash in the shed. He grimaced and handed the bottle back to me.

"That's awful, Seth. I can't believe you're drinking it."

I laughed at him. I was fearless, invincible, and decidedly intoxicated .

"You only live once, Edward. Got to make the most of it. Exams are overrrrrrrrrrrrr! Time to paaaaaaaaarty!"

Apparently when drunk, I was louder and more obnoxious than usual.

I felt the music thumping in my chest as we pushed our way out of the crowd that had gathered around the bonfire. We moved back from the heat and into the pitch black of the beach, watching the flickering glow from the flames danced on the sand at our feet.

Edward laughed as I swung the bottle above my head, drops of alcohol falling over us like amber rain. He was handsome when he smiled. His whole face lit up, and he looked so young and carefree. He needed to smile more often.

Suddenly, the world began to sway and jerk under my feet, and I felt myself falling. Strong arms caught me before I faceplanted on the sand.

_Edward_.

My eyelids refused to stay open, and I heard his voice far, far away muttering something about home.

He felt like home.

His arms were still wrapped around me. It felt nice. He was strong and cold, while my body was limp and on fire as the alcohol spread through my veins. Maybe the moonshine hadn't been such a good idea after all.

Blackness enveloped me.

Vaguely, I was aware that I was being moved, but I didn't want to open my eyes, didn't want to lose those arms of steel that were wrapped around me.

When the movement stopped, I was lying in a bed. A really, really comfortable bed with really, really thick sheets and a really, really soft pillow. I sunk into it as the heaviness began to creep up my limbs again.

I panicked, my brain silently screaming that something wasn't right. The arms that had been keeping me safe were gone. Without them, I was alone. Without them, I would float away.

"Edward?" I gasped, my voice a slurred and frightened whisper.

Then he was there, all cold comfort and quiet shushing. He was there, and all was right with the world again.

"I love you, too," was the last thing I heard before the blackness swallowed me.

* * *

I groaned as I sat up. My head felt like it was going to split in two.

"I put some aspirin and a glass of water beside your bed."

I hadn't realized Edward was in the room. I clenched my eyes shut, hoping it would help with the dull thudding in my head, and flailed my hand out searching for the water. My mouth felt like the bottom of a bird cage.

Ugh. I never wanted to drink again. Well, not for awhile, anyway.

I chugged down the water and flopped back on the pillow. God, this really was the best bed I'd ever lain in. I groaned appreciatively as I sunk further into the downy pillows, drawing the warm blanket up under my chin.

"I take it you're glad Esme is the type of vampire who likes to keep up appearances, and always has the guest room ready for visitors?" Edward chuckled.

"Did I do anything really embarrassing?" I asked, cringing as I waited for Edward's response.

"No bodily fluids escaped, if that's what you mean," Edward said dryly. "Did you know you sleep talk?"

"I do?" I asked, suddenly worried about what my intoxicated lack-of-filter self might have said.

"Yeah. You're quite cute when you're sleeping. Not so smart-ass."

"Fuck you," I retorted, pretending to be pissed.

In my hung-over state, my brain was finding it difficult to process what Edward had said. I knew I should have been weirded out by the fact that he had stayed with me all night, but I couldn't help but feel kind of comforted that he had been there to watch over me.

My recollections of the previous night were hazy at best, just wisps of memories that slipped through my fingers like sand as I tried to grasp a hold of them.

But of one thing I was absolutely certain: I wanted to feel Edward's arms around me again.

* * *

Once exams were finished and we no longer had to worry about memorizing enzyme reactions and protein formations, Edward and I spent our free time hiking in the forest that bordered Forks. As much as I had felt relieved to be free from the academic pressure, there had also been a little piece of me that couldn't bear the thought of not seeing Edward every day after school. When he had suggested we explore the National Park together, I had jumped at it.

Edward was pretty much treated like an adult in his home, and could do whatever he wanted. I, however, was not so lucky. I found that, so long as I was home before dark, did my chores and helped out with Dad's care when needed, no-one questioned my new-found interest in hiking. Sam was still suspicious, but I tried my hardest to be a model pack member, turning up for patrol and pack meetings on time, and refraining from throwing around my usual smart comments. Eventually, he began to loosen up and stopped with the twenty questions every time he saw me.

One afternoon, Edward and I stood on the top of a ridge overlooking the Elwha River when the sun began to cut through the cloud cover.

I realized I had never seen Edward in the sun before. He'd told me about his skin and why his family needed to stay out of the sunlight, but I'd never actually seen it.

"Show me?" I asked as I pointed to the ray of sunlight that shone on the ground beside us.

He looked hesitant, glancing between me and the shaft of golden light.

"Please?" I asked. I didn't know why, but I was suddenly really curious to see what he looked like. What could possibly have been so abominable about his skin that he needed to hide away whenever it was a clear day?

He slowly stepped into the beam, a look of dread on his face as he watched for my reaction.

I gasped. Whatever I had been expecting, it was not this.

Edward was…beautiful. There was simply no other word for it. His skin was sparkling as if a thousand tiny diamonds were embedded in it.

I found myself walking towards him, marveling at the glint and shine of his skin, and the way the light reflected off his jaw. I needed a closer look.

I'd never seen anything like it. I was spell-bound.

"Wow!" It seemed so inadequate, but it was all my mind could come up with.

He winced, all full of shame and self-loathing.

My hand reached out on its own accord and I slid my palm along the side of his face. He looked at me, his eyes fearful and conflicted. My heart clenched - did he really think I would see him as a monster?

"You're beautiful!" I whispered. My voice was deep and husky, and I barely recognized it.

He closed his eyes as I pushed my hand along the tight line of his face. My skin, fiery hot and blazing, moved against his, ice-cold and stone; the potent mix of temperatures like a spark that spread across the skin where we touched.

He groaned as I pushed my hand into his hair. Bronzed and tousled and soft as silk, at such odds with the hardness of his face. I'd wondered what it would be like to touch his hair, run my fingers through it the way he did when he was nervous or angry. It was softer than my imagination could ever have come up with.

I felt my breath hitch as I found my thoughts turning to his face: his chiseled features, the line of his jaw, his eyes - liquid honey, the curve of his lips. I wondered if they were as hard as the rest of him; granite and steel.

I found myself thinking about what it would be like to put my lips on his, wondering if he would taste like ice.

"Please," he whispered, needy and vulnerable.

I bent my head and lowered my face to his, breathing in the scent of him. It was no longer sickening, but sweet and inviting.

I stopped; just a breath separated us. Whatever small part of my brain that wasn't dazzled by Edward's magnificence, shouted at me that there was no going back.

But I didn't fucking care and I kissed him.

* * *

I clutched the envelope in my hand and knocked on the Cullen's door.

"Seth! How lovely to see you," Esme beamed at me. "Edward's in his room. Go on up," she said as she closed the door behind me.

I raced up the stairs, two at a time, and burst into Edward's room, forgetting to do the polite thing and knock first.

"It's here!" I blurted, unable to contain myself to even greet him first.

"And?" Edward asked excitedly.

"I haven't opened it yet!" I was so petrified I hadn't been able to bring myself to open it. I needed moral support. I needed Edward.

I thrust the envelope at him. "You do it."

"Really?" Edward asked me. "Are you sure?"

As soon as I nodded, he ripped into the envelope, shredded paper falling to the floor as he pulled out the letter we had been waiting for.

"Dear Mr. Clearwater…" Edward began.

"Fuck that part." I yanked the letter away from him and scanned it in a frenzy.

_…delighted to inform you….acceptance…welcome to the University of Washington._..

I read it again slowly, just to make sure my eyes hadn't been playing tricks on me.

I was in. I was really in!

I yelped and threw myself at Edward.

He chuckled as he caught me, his strong arms wrapping around my waist and holding me close.

"See? I told you. You had nothing to worry about," he whispered into my neck. His cool breath washed over me like a wave of calm.

My mind was blown. I was so fucking overwhelmed I could barely form a coherent thought.

_I am going to the University of Washington! _

"Thank you," I murmured. I was quite sure that without Edward's patience and help, I never would have gotten in.

"It was all you, Seth," he said, quiet and low. His eyes gleamed with pride, happiness radiating off him, but there was something else there, too. Something dark and hungry and wanting.

He smirked at me and then leaned down to kiss me.

As soon as his lips touched mine, I felt a sudden surge of lust rush through my body. The letter dropped to the floor, all but forgotten, as I wrapped my arms around his neck. His lips were hard and cold, making me think of icicles and diamonds.

He moaned against my mouth as I tugged on his hair, the sound making me crazy. I couldn't get close enough. I rubbed myself against him, feeling myself hard and aching, needy with want, and overwhelmed by the turmoil of emotions that were crashing over me.

It was hard to believe I was actually going to college. _With Edward._

I frowned and pulled away from him abruptly.

"You did get in, too, didn't you?" I asked anxiously, suddenly aware that in my own self-absorbed moment I had completely forgotten to ask if Edward had received his letter, too. I knew it was a mere formality for him, but the thought that Edward wouldn't be going with me made my stomach drop.

"Yes. I got in. Now, come back here," Edward said playfully as he threaded his fingers through the belt loops of my jeans and pulled me towards him again.

His mouth was greedy as he claimed mine, thrusting his tongue into my mouth and splaying his hands against my back. I could feel him, hard and straining against my thigh as he pushed against me. I moaned as his hands slid under my shirt, his freezing hands, ice-cold but burning like fire as they swept over my skin.

I kissed him hard, pushing out the storm of emotions that tumbled in my head, raw to the bone relief that all our hard work had paid off; sweetest vindication that it had all been worth it. I imagined the look of pride on my parents' faces when I told them, how fucking happy they would be. How it felt to see Edward so pleased for me. I threw every last drop of my heartfelt gratitude at him. He was wrong - I couldn't have done it without his help, and I filled my head with everything I was feeling: thankfulness, appreciation, excitement, anticipation. All of it. I wanted him to feel everything that I was feeling, to know how much this meant.

As he groaned and pulled me closer to him, my mind began to imagine myself in Seattle on campus, Edward by my side.

I imagined us walking to lecture theaters, sitting in cafeterias, just being _together_. I couldn't wait to get there and be free from all the bullshit we had to put up with here. No more sneaking around. No more Sam on my back.

None of that would matter anymore.

I cupped Edward's ass, feeling the cold pressure of his leg between mine, and reveling in the feel of the friction against my aching erection. As I ground against him, my mind began to imagine other things Edward and I would do together; Edward naked and writhing beneath me, panting and moaning my name.

I could tell the instant Edward caught my thoughts; his kiss tasting of desperation and desire, his icy-sweet lips crushing mine. I clutched at him, rocking him against me, the sound of his moans spurring me on.

My own lust was crashing over me as I gasped for breath against him. I was suddenly overwhelmed with an intense need to push him, to show him exactly how much I wanted him.

I let my fantasies unravel.  
_  
Edward on his knees sucking me off, looking up at me, his liquid honey eyes full of lust and hunger._

_Edward lying naked on my bed, stroking himself urgently as he watched me do the same. His cries of ecstasy. His vampire cum hitting my stomach._

_Edward on his hands and knees in front of me as I..._

"Fuck!" Edward groaned against my neck. I felt him shudder against me, and knowing he was losing it pushed me over the edge. I leaned against him, panting; emotionally and physically spent.

_I love you, Edward Cullen_.

* * *

Being at school was even better than my wildest dreams had imagined. For the first time in my life, I was free. Free from living up to the guilt-laden expectations of my parents; free from the constant questioning of my overbearing pack leader; free from fighting against the ancient rules of my tribe.

For the first time in my life, I was free to do whatever I wanted, when I wanted.

And right then, I wanted Edward.

He grinned at me as he felt my lust-filled thoughts reach out to him, and he grasped my hand across the lecture table.

Seattle wasn't small town Forks. Here, we were just two guys amidst a sea of faces; a melting pot of different colors, styles and interests. No one gave us a second glance. The fact that we were both guys barely registered with me anymore, either. It no longer matter that we were vampire and wolf, or that we were both trapped in our own fucked up versions of normal.

The only thing that mattered was _us_.

He was the moon and I was the sun. He was freezing - cold, hard marble; I burned with the heat of fire. He was eloquent and polite; I was rude and used fuck as a noun, verb and adjective. Even our skin contrasted each other; his pale porcelain against my russet tan. In fact, I was pretty sure we had more differences than similarities, but it didn't matter. Together we were perfect; complete.

I smirked at him and pulled his hand under the table to rub against the growing bulge in my jeans.

_Feel what you do to me._

He groaned and pushed his hand into me, making the denim cool as he teased my aching need.

_Let's get out of here._

I didn't need to think it twice. Edward had our desks cleared and both our bags over his shoulder in two heartbeats. I chuckled to myself. This was the third lecture this week we'd cut out of early.

It was hard to believe that there had been a time when I had wished I hadn't been transferred to Forks. How stupid I had been.

_Will it always be like this?_

"Always!" he growled under his breath as we sneaked out of the lecture theater.

I smiled. I couldn't imagine how this intensity, this overwhelming need for each other, could ever fade.

Edward was my life now.

* * *

The rain was falling so hard it felt like snow, and we were both drenched to the skin within seconds. Laughing, we splashed through puddles as we ran hand in hand, to the safety of _Aro's _- my favourite cafe. It was a small and obscure little place that I called "Seattle's hidden treasure" and they made the best coffee I'd ever had.

I watched as Edward removed his dripping jacket. Water streamed down his face and his hair was plastered to his head, but he still looked perfect to me.

I grinned at him, wishing we were alone so I could lick the droplets of water that ran down the side of his face.

He shot me a sly smile, the kind that I had grown to recognize and love. The kind of smile that said, "I know what you're thinking, Seth Clearwater." The kind of smile that promised me he would make good on it, later.

"I need a coffee to warm up, okay?" I asked him. He nodded before going to find us a table.

I smiled as he walked away from me, admiring the way his wet jeans hugged his perfectly sculpted ass. As he passed a table of girls they all turned to watch him, and I could almost hear the collective sigh. I smirked to myself at the thought, at the fact: _he was mine._ My heart swelled when I realized that piece of perfection was going to be mine for the rest of my life.

I turned back to the counter, and the world slipped on its axis.

Nothing was ever going to be the same again.

I gasped for breath, desperately trying to draw air into my lungs as the room around me slid away until there was nothing but me.

And _her_.

Her. Black hair that shimmered in the light and oceandeep eyes.

The floor beneath me seemed to fall away, and I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper.

Deeper into her.

Time slowed. I had no idea how long I stood with my eyes locked on her. A split-second. A lifetime. Time was something that no longer mattered because she was all I could see and smell and hear and feel.

Her. Triangle shaped scar on her chin and a tiny smattering of freckles on her nose.

I watched as an unbreakable ribbon of need and want and _being_, began to form between us. Each stitch, each thread that wove its way through the air; a tie that would bind me to her.

Forever.

I was _imprinting_.

On a girl.

A girl with little soft hands that I wanted to take in mine.

Shock and disbelief surged through my veins. Horrified, I began to thrash against the waves of inevitability, trying desperately to claw my way to the surface, to take a breath and find the safety.

Find Edward.

_Edward_.

I grimaced, fighting against the pull and magnetism of the girl in front of me. The girl - I didn't even know her name - who was my future.

Wrenching my eyes from her, I anxiously searched the cafe, trying to see Edward. Edward was the only one who could save me.

His honey eyes, full of warmth and love, found mine, and my heart shattered into a thousand tiny pieces as the look of confusion swept over his face as he took in the look of horror on mine.

My eyes pleaded with him to make this _stop_. Silently, I begged him to save me, to rescue me from this cruel twist of fate.

To forgive me.

I knew that I was running out of time. That I was trying to fight against something irreversible and final. That it would only be a matter of time; a second, a heartbeat, until my life was wrenched upside down.

Until my life was as good as over.

But my heart needed to beat one more time; just for him. One more rush of blood and love through my veins. The heat of me; burning for him.

And in that too-short moment, my mind poured out every last ounce of love and happiness and fulfillment that I carried around inside me. Desperately, I threw it all at him. Every emotion, every cherished memory of times we had shared together. I pushed it all out of me in a frantic wave of wretchedness and despair. Pure, absolute love.

I hoped he would grab it and hold it tight to his chest and never let it go.

That he would know then that I had loved him with everything that I was.

Because it was all I had to give him.

My body betrayed me, sucked into the whirlpool of glowing heat that swirled around me, and I couldn't stop myself from turning back to her. The fire in my bones blazed with an intensity that moved me to the core of my being. The image of her burned on my soul forever.

Her. The scent of girl, cinnamon and vanilla, so foreign and spicy.

Her. The heat of her fragile body, the beat of her pulse, the warmth of the blood and life that flowed inside her.

Her. Soft and curvy and oh-so-tenderly feminine.

There was nothing else but her. The connection between us began to grow stronger and I could feel the tendrils of need and adoration beginning to wrap around my heart.

She smiled at me, and that was all it took.

I felt myself give up the fight, letting myself free-fall into the bottomless depths of her eyes, drifting unconsciously into the future with her by my side. Snip by bittersweet snip, every connection to everything I had ever known, everything I had ever been, was severed.

They say that drowning is the easiest way to die, that it's almost peaceful as you die and your life flashes before your eyes. I was drowning in her, but instead of seeing the past flash before me, my mind flicked through images of our future together: Walks on the beach and white picket fences; Barbecues and swing-sets in the backyard. Everything I had never wanted or needed, but everything that I was now destined for: with her.

As I took a step towards the girl in front of me, towards the future that I was being pulled into, whether I wanted it or not, a tiny piece of me refused to let go. It clung to memories of Edward. It screamed at me that this was wrong; that I hadn't chosen this. It howled that fate could go to hell, because love wasn't an involuntary behavioral response. Love didn't shackle you to someone you didn't even know. Love was choice. Love was pure. Love was freedom.

Love was Edward.

_Edward_.

He was by my side, shaking me, his mouth moving but I couldn**'**t hear the words. I barely even registered that he was there, captured irrevocably by the girl in front of me.

I was falling in love and there was nothing in the world but her.

The little sliver of my heart, the little piece of me that was still Edward's, watched as realization dawned on his face. He glanced frantically between me and the girl; confusion and distress chasing each other over his features until finally settling on pain.

Raw, bleeding pain that made his strong-as-granite body shake and tremble. Soul-destroying pain that crumpled his beautiful, perfect face. Heart-breaking pain that rumbled in his chest, escaping in a desperate, screaming plea of agony and loss. He dropped to the floor, his head in his hands as he watched his future being ripped from him, every one of his hopes and dreams cracked and splintered, and lost forever.

The invincible, impenetrable vampire - broken beyond repair.

Edward's Seth couldn't bear to keep watching the destruction of the only person who had really understood him, the only person who had ever loved him. Edward's Seth curled himself up into a little fetal ball, heart ripped open and bleeding out love and loss. Edward's Seth shook as sobs racked his body, every tear that rolled down his face a precious memory, a wish of longing for what would never be.

And as Edward's Seth crawled into the smallest, darkest corner of my heart, I smiled back at _her_.

"Can I help you with something?" she asked, her voice like an aria that had been written just for me.

* * *

_In the dark of the night I can still hear him breathing my name._

_When it's too hard to ignore, I run. I run to escape the memories that haunt my dreams, but the quiet of the mountainside only reminds me of him. I run until my feet bleed, but all I can feel is the ache of his loss like a hole in my chest._

_Sometimes, I numb myself with a drink and a smoke, and I pretend he doesn't have a hold on my heart._

_There are times when I almost ask if he is ever around, but I tell myself no good would come from knowing._

_And when it all threatens to come tumbling down, I make love to my wife and hold her close and make myself forget._

_

* * *

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A/N:  
*Sob* Yeah, I feel bad for doing that to them. You can blame Lambcullen - I am! I promise, from the bottom of my angst-loving heart that if I ever write Sethward again, there will be fluff and unicorns and a HEA.

Writing in first person, boys, wolves and of course, the forbidden interspecies slash love - it's all new for me. Luckily I had the most amazing help. My bodalicious beautiful babe, my partner in heartbreak and bounciness, _Yellowglue_, made this hot mess a gazillon times better. I can't thank her enough for her unfailing support and the little questions and comments that pushed me to keep going with it. My dear, I adore you - my little black heart belongs to you.  
Go right now to her profile and author alert. Her Black Balloon entry will blow your mind.

Once again, Betham beta'd this for me, and once again, most of the commas are hers. THANK YOU doesn't really begin to cover it. If she hadn't said nice things about the awful hack of a document I sent her right at the beginning, I might never have got the idea of Seth walking into the Bio class out of my system. ILY bb x  
Vanpirenz does the best job ever of polishing up my work, every time I think something's not quite right but not sure what, she fixes it. She makes my writing sparkle.  
Also huge shout out to Naelany for pre-reading and rec'ing this story on Twislash Unveiled.  
Kings of Leon provided me with a soundtrack for the angsty part.  
_  
As a side note, I am not from the US so please overlook any inaccuracies I may have made relating to the US education system. _

Thanks for reading x If you liked it hit the alert button. I'm considering adding to this once the contest is over.


	2. Castles on the Wind

_Huge thank you to everyone who read, reviewed, fav'd and voted for _Once We Were Kings_. When I wrote it, I never intended it to be more than just a one-shot for the Black Balloon contest, but my darling Naelany twisted my arm and fed me multiple plotbunnehs...so here we are at CH2._

_I'm planning on this being a minific of around 5 (long) chapters, written as time permits._

_I suggest you read CH1 if you haven't already. _

_SM owns Twilight and Midnight Sun. I just have an unhealthy obsession with Sethward. _

_

* * *

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**Castles on the Wind. **

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* * *

**

I sighed as I slid into my seat in Mr. Banner's AP biology class. It was only my first class, but already I couldn't wait for the day to end. For the next fifty-nine minutes, I would be trapped at my desk, my expressionless face a mask that would hide my disinterest while I was forced to listen to Banner's droning voice. I already knew all there was to know about cell division. I wasn't here to learn; I was here to pass away the time.

High School was my own personal purgatory from which there was no escape.

I spread my books out over my desk, opening the class textbook to the chapter on mitosis. I didn't need to look at the book - it was all just part of the ruse, one of my many constant efforts to appear human. My life was a carefully constructed lie, and everything I did reinforced the facade that I was a normal teenage boy.

I stared at the page. To my classmates, it would appear as though I was reading, when really I was imagining patterns in the white spaces between the black font. For a few moments, it would help to reduce the inane thoughts of the students around me to a quiet murmur instead of a deafening roar.

Today, all thoughts were consumed with the new boy who was enrolling at Forks High, after being expelled from the Reservation school out at La Push. I paid little attention; the trivialities that caused a frenzy amongst the student body were of no consequence to me, and I'd long ago learned to tune out the gossip and rumors.

I should have paid more attention.

He walked through the door, and I felt my world slam upside down. A wrecking ball of need and want smashed into me and nearly knocked me off my seat.

I'd never seen anyone so beautiful, so utterly perfect before, and I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. Normally, the harsh fluorescent lights made human skin look sallow, but his skin glowed; a stunning russet tan that made me think of bonfires and autumn leaves. His hair was shiny and black like ebony, and he was tall. At least as tall as me, and he looked as though he was a runner, with muscles that were tight and toned.

He was glorious.

I felt an inexplicable and overwhelming urge to jump from my seat, and run to his side. Touch him. Fall to the floor at his feet. Beg him to love me.

From what I had read, falling in love at first sight was supposed to be sweet and touching. The stuff that the romantics waxed lyrical about in sonnets and love songs was nothing like what I felt in that instant.

What I felt was violent, earth shattering; life altering. Nothing would ever be the same again.

Vampires aren't accustomed to pain; there is really nothing that can hurt us. And yet, the strength of what I was feeling was making my knees weak, my chest pull tight in a vice grip, my head pound with shock. Every molecule in my body burned with a craving for him. It was the most intense feeling I'd ever experienced.

But the strength of emotion that swept through me was nothing in comparison to the pain I felt as his thoughts hit me like a sledgehammer.

Hate.

Loathing.

The air was thick with his revulsion. It clung to every surface in the room, suffocating me as I tried to find relief from the unrelenting darkness of his mind. Black and putrid, the disgust and _rejection_ snaked their way around my heart, pulling tight and cutting deep, making the unnecessary breath catch in my throat.

I sat, stunned, as I watched him reel under the force of his thoughts and emotions, his body swaying as he stumbled further into the room. As the heavy cloud of hatred settled around him, all I could hear in his mind was one word.

_Leech_

The whirlwind of emotions that had been warring over me continued their assault as the world gave way underneath me. Everything gave way to shock.

He knew. The secret that ruled my life, that surrounded my family in lies that we could never escape from, the unspeakable truth of who I was. He knew.

In a split second, a million questions tumbled through my mind, but it always fell back to the same impossible scenario.

This boy, this kid from La Push, knew I was a vampire.

As turbulent as my own thoughts were as disbelief and apprehension chased each other through my mind, his were a veritable storm of unease and...something else. Something wild and feral and...

_Wolf_.

Now it was my turn to reel; stunned and aghast.

This was no ordinary boy. Underneath his beautiful russet skin paced a sandy-colored wolf. I could see in his mind's eye the beast that was his alter-ego. Images of his huge paws hitting the ground and pine needles flying in his wake as he raced over the forest floor, filled my mind as the sound of a howling wolf echoed in my ears.

It appeared I wasn't the only one with a secret to hide.

I hadn't taken a breath since he'd walked in the room, and tentatively I allowed a small mouthful of air to enter my lungs. The taste of him hit my tongue, and I marveled at the exquisiteness of the heat and spice. The scent of him was thick and more pungent than human, and it wrapped itself around my tongue, rolling down my throat as I tried to hold back a groan of pleasure. It made my need for him burn at a whole new intensity.

I watched as his control began to slip. He was young, new to this, and the turmoil of emotions threatened to overwhelm him. I could see him wavering on the turn, the wolf desperate for release.

And if he did...he would give us all away.

He needed to regain his control, and fast.

He handed over a piece of paper, and I saw in Banner's mind that it was a class transfer slip.

_Seth Clearwater._

I turned his name over in my mind; feeling the weight of each syllable, wishing I was alone so I could say it out loud. Wanting desperately to savor the sound of his name on my lips.

I watched anxiously as Banner directed him to the only available seat in the class, the seat next to mine. His thoughts boiled and raged, and I could see him fighting for control. I couldn't do anything but sit in my own seat, and will him not to change into a wolf in front of everyone.

His fists were clenched by his sides, shoulders tense, the scowl on his face murderous. I caught the thoughts of students around me; alarmed and curious, their attention honed in on the new kid who looked like he was ready to explode.

It seemed like an eternity before he reached the desk.

"You seriously need to get a grip," I urged him.

"That would be a whole fucking lot easier if you weren't here!" he seethed at me.

He rolled his eyes at me; brown so deep I was certain there wasn't even a description that would do the color justice, impossibly thick black lashes, pupils dilated in anger and fear. I looked away quickly, before I lost myself in his gaze.

"Well, why don't you take a deep breath and calm down. You're attracting all the wrong kinds of attention," I said quietly.

I tried to hide my surprise; not only did he know what I was, he knew of my gift and was using this knowledge to his full advantage. The purposefully antagonistic thoughts he sent my way made me cringe as I considered how much the Quileute's must know of our family - _know your enemy_ indeed. I ignored Seth's attempts to rile me as best I could. The heart-clenching truth was, I was simply too overcome by just the presence of him to respond, the heat that radiated off him like a beacon that was calling my name.

Eventually, we exchanged a few hesitant words before Banner launched into another of his mindless lectures. Seth's attention moved on from his animosity toward me, and for the rest of the lesson his thoughts were occupied with the notes he scribbled in his book. The other members of the class too, soon forgot the almost-scene of his arrival in class.

My attention, however, was captured irrevocably by _him, _and for the rest of the class I hadn't been able to take my eyes off the beautiful boy beside me.

* * *

I tried to hold my speed in check as I fled the class, but I was out the door before Seth had even packed up his books.

I was torn between wanting to glue myself to his side for the rest of my existence, and a desire to run as far away from him as I possibly could. It physically pained me to tear my eyes away from his beautiful face, but at the same time, I couldn't deny the overwhelming need to escape his tempting scent and the red-hot burn of his skin.

I needed relief from the desire that was burning me from the inside out, incinerating everything I thought I knew, and leaving behind only the ashes of confusion and fear. I'd never had cause to be afraid, but the strength of my feelings for him terrified me.

The woods behind the school had always acted as a refuge of sorts for us, and that was where I headed, hoping the cool, dark silence would offer some relief from the turmoil inside my head. My siblings and I went there whenever we needed an escape from the sunlight that would betray us, or to retreat from the pressure of being constantly surrounded by humans.

We also went there when we needed to talk in private.

I heard her worried thoughts before I saw, or smelled her.

_Edward? Are you OK? What happened?_

The fact Alice was asking me questions she should know the answers to, felt odd and unsettling, and for the briefest of moments I wondered if she was joking. It was clear from the tone of her thoughts though, that she was genuinely concerned for my well-being. She appeared by my side, worried and confused, a deep frown settling on her petite features.

"Edward?" Her thoughts were frantic and scattered, but eventually she began to slow the chaos in her mind, flicking through visions of me sitting alone at my desk, and then...nothing. It was as if I disappeared before her eyes; a gray blur of nothingness where I had once been sitting. It was horrifying to watch, and I could almost taste her fear as she replayed it over and over in her head.

"The new boy that transferred from La Push," I said curtly, not trusting myself to say anything further.

Alice gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. "He's a _wolf_?" she asked incredulously.

Under other circumstances it would have been almost amusing to see her so shocked. Normally, her gift allowed her to see everything in advance; surprises were not something she was familiar with.

"I don't like this, Edward. You know I can't see anything when those..._those mutts_...are close." I grimaced at her choice of words. I wanted to reprimand her for calling him that, but I held my tongue. I wasn't ready to share everything with her, yet.

Alice flitted across the forest floor, sending up small sprays of leaves as she paced back and forth at vampire speed. I could see in her mind that she was worried about the implications of having Seth at our school. The clouding of her gift was not something she'd ever had to consider before; the wolves stayed on their side of the Treaty Line and we stayed on ours. Only on the rarest of occasions would we cross paths, our mutual animosity and a sixty-nine year old Treaty ensuring, for the most part, the separation of our species.

Until now.

Instinctively, her thoughts went straight to Jasper, and she anxiously considered how he would cope with this new development. He wasn't at school. The history class he took, along with Emmett and Rosalie, was on a field trip, and I was thankful we would at least get to warn him in advance. He was the last to join our family, and although he'd been a vampire for longer than most of us, bar Carlisle, he was still relatively new to our way of living. Controlling his blood-lust was something that took inordinate effort every day, and the addition of a young, unpredictable shape-shifter to the student body was not going to be easy for him. What worried Alice the most was that, first and foremost, Jasper was a soldier, and the wolves were our enemies.

Silently, I watched her, listening to her thoughts as she searched through future scenarios that she could in fact see, trying to find what this would mean for Jasper. Her concern and impatience were making her normally vivid thoughts appear hazy and indecipherable, but I could see that she was flicking through visions of Jasper's future. It was with relief that I didn't see a sign of him going on a killing spree anytime soon.

Alice moved her thoughts back to me, sighing in frustration as I disappeared before her eyes, time and time again.

"I don't know what this means for us, Edward," she said quietly.

There was little I could do to comfort her, or allay her fears, because the only thing I was sure of was that nothing would ever be the same again.

* * *

The end of the day couldn't come soon enough. The second the bell rang, I was out the door and quickly making my way to the parking lot. Alice was waiting for me beside my Volvo.

Without speaking, she took my school bag and keys from me, and climbed into the driver's seat. I watched her drive out of the school grounds before I turned and headed toward the forest for the second time that day. This time I wasn't going there to talk.

I needed to run.

I needed to feel the air in my face, hear the earth pounding beneath my feet, but mostly I just craved the silence. I may not have had any other classes with Seth after biology, but he haunted me wherever I went. For the entire day, he had been in the thoughts of every student, in every class. His face had followed me everywhere; the arrival of the "Rez kid" was the main topic of conversation of the day, and it had been impossible to ignore, even if I had wanted to.

As predictable as ever, the boys had made short work of sizing him up, taking note of his broad shoulders and the lean muscles of his legs. The football team were already planning on asking him to try out for the squad, and the chess club had marked him as someone to avoid based on his size alone. The boys had fallen into either the territorial or threatened camp, and their responses to a new male at school were nothing but expected.

The thoughts of the girls, on the other hand, had been infinitely harder to deal with; their admiration of Seth's good looks quickly spiraled into an overexcited fervor about who would attract his attention first. Some of the more "experienced" girls had entertained dark fantasies about what kind of welcome they wanted to give him. It had taken every ounce of my self-control not to knock their pretty little heads off their shoulders and destroy every last image of Seth from their minds - and mine.

Just the memory of the highly sexualized nature of their thoughts made the rage boil up inside me again. The jealousy coursed through me like acid, making my fists clench at my side and my teeth grind together. Its fire was uncontrollable, threatening to consume me even as I fought to shut out the memories of the lust-laden thoughts from my head. I'd never had cause to feel so protective of someone before, and I found myself feeling shocked by the strength of the abhorrence that I had felt seeing him sullied and objectified in their minds.

I shook my head, desperately hoping that a long run would clear my mind of the day's assault, and effortlessly sped into the forest, intent on running until I ran out of land.

It wasn't long before I was deep in the National Park that bordered Forks, running along a ridge that overlooked the Elwha River. The view from the top was spectacular, almost 360 degree views from the river mouth right up the valley and across the hills on each side. The forest was thick and lush, a million varying hues of green as the sunlight broke through the cloud cover to illuminate patches of bush. The river cut across the valley floor, a thick smudge of blue like someone had dipped their thumb in cobalt and smeared it across a canvas of green.

I didn't know what it was about this particular spot that I found so entrancing, but I found myself coming here often. It was a place where silence blended effortlessly with natural beauty, and I was drawn to the feelings of comfort that I felt when I admired the magnificence that nature had created. What had simply been a lovely piece of scenery was now a place of significance for me, and I came here whenever I needed time on my own - a quiet place to gather my thoughts. My oasis of calm was not something that I had shared with my family; if Alice knew of it, she never spoke of it.

Sometimes, the loneliness would begin to wear me down, an insidious unease creeping up my spine. It wasn't easy living with three sets of mated vampires, and being on my own. More often than I would ever admit to my family, I felt like the third wheel, a spare part that they tolerated because they loved me. Even though I knew that their love was genuine, I couldn't help but feel like I was surplus to requirements. Occasionally, I caught thoughts of pity and regret about my situation, particularly from Esme. She despaired that I had been changed too young, and therefore hadn't experienced enough hormonal changes as a human to ensure that, as a vampire, I would be able to experience love. Her greatest fear was that I would live my life without ever finding a mate.

Normally, I came out here to escape the harsh realities of my vampire life, hide from the loneliness and disquiet in my heart, and simply _be_.

Only today, I found little peace.

* * *

I knocked on Carlisle's office door before letting myself in.

"Edward," he said in greeting.

His smile and thoughts were warm and welcoming, but it only made me feel ashamed about what I was going to say.

"I need to leave Forks," I said simply, not wanting to waste time on small talk.

"You do?" he asked in confusion.

His mind flicked between shock and worry as he considered reasons why I would suddenly want to leave the area. Carlisle's sense of family was strong and pure, and his loyalty to those he loved was almost indistinguishable from his personality. The family grounded him, and gave him the purpose and drive to accept this life. Almost immediately, as I knew he would, he pondered how quickly he could organise for the whole family to relocate.

"I'm going on my own. I've already asked Tanya if I can stay with her."

"Oh." His disappointment was palpable. "You're not going for good, though...are you?"

The truth was, I didn't know. I had spent hours sitting on my ridge, trying to tame the chaos in my mind, but I was just as confused and overwhelmed as I had been when I left school. I was faced with an impossible choice; Seth, or my family. As hard as I tried, my mind could not reconcile a future where I could love a shape-shifter, and remain living in a house of vampires. And that was making the unbelievable and unlikely assumption that eventually Seth would love me back. The reality that Seth would continue to hate me and everything I represented, and I would be forced to watch and pine for him from afar, was much more likely. As sick as it made me feel when I pondered it, the other option was to deny what had happened today, ignore my feelings for the boy from La Push, and spend the rest of my life pretending that I had forgotten him as I lived my vampire life with my family.

Both choices were heinous, and I had screamed into the darkening sky as the cruelty of the situation had played over and over in my head.

I was doomed to be alone. Forever.

As night had descended, my resolve had fallen into place. I would leave. I would be a coward and I would run away from it all, from my family, from _him_. As I had sped home in the dark, all I could think of was getting out of Forks and away from the awful life-destroying agony of knowing everything I wanted and needed was here; but I couldn't have it.

"I just need to go. I'm sorry. I know I owe you more of an explanation, Carlisle, but right now, I just can't say anything more."

I watched Carlisle's thoughts as he considered a multitude of reasons why I might need to make such a sudden departure, cringing as he worried that living in a house of mated vampires had finally become too much for me to bear. I could see Alice had told him of Seth's arrival at school, and I was thankful when his thoughts flew over this, settling instead on my apparent loneliness.

"Edward..." he began. I could hear the pleas in his head for me to talk to him, to share my problem. "Whatever it is, we can help you."

I wished that was the case, but I knew I was already in too deep.

"I've never asked anything of you before. Please, you just have to let me have this." My voice was almost a whisper as I begged him. I didn't need his permission, but he was my mentor and my friend, and a father figure of sorts, and I didn't want to leave him without his assent.

_Edward. Please talk to me._

I saw myself in his head; pacing the floor, shoulders stooped and my face pulled tight with worry. I looked haggard and weary. Desperate.

I could see him warring with himself, agonizing over what to say. Finally, he nodded.

"We'll miss you, Edward." His voice was heavy with sadness and resignation.

* * *

I took my car, and headed north to Alaska. I had contemplated running the whole way, but I knew that sometimes it paid to appear as human as possible.

The Volvo was a silver streak of speed on the highway as I let my frustrations course through my body to my foot. The pedal was pushed flat to the floor, and I made it to Tanya's in record time.

She welcomed me into her home with a wide smile, and it was only when I felt her strong arms wrap around me that I finally allowed my tense and strained muscles to uncoil. She didn't say anything as I clung to her, too afraid to answer the worried questions that she left unspoken. I was exhausted, the effort of holding myself together leaving me feeling strained and close to breaking.

It wasn't until two listless and empty days later, that she sat me down on her plush leather couch.

"How long are you planning to mope around like this, Edward? I get that you want to be all dark and maudlin, but Jesus, you're even making me want to write emo poetry and paint my fingernails black."

I couldn't help but laugh at her joke. It wasn't much of a laugh, but it was something. My cheeks felt strange being pulled up in a smile, and I realized I at least owed her an explanation.

"Thank you for letting me stay with you, and I'm sorry to be such a rude house-guest. I just needed to get away for a bit." I smiled apologetically at her.

"You know you're welcome here anytime, Edward." I knew that was the truth, but I still felt a little guilty that I had barged in on her life.

She sat for a moment in silence, but I could see her mind tumbling as she tried to decide what to say next. She thought I needed to talk, but she wasn't sure if I would; or could. Concern and apprehension chased across her mind; she'd never seen me like this before, and it scared her. This was uncharted territory for her. I watched her face settle into a frown as a possible reason for my distress dawned on her.

"Girl trouble?" she asked softly.

I shuffled in my seat, not sure what to say.

For all intents and purposes she was my best friend, and the only person outside of my family who I trusted and loved unconditionally. We had been close friends for many decades, and we had even lived together for a short time. Initially, Tanya had been convinced that I would make an excellent bed-mate, but when I consistently rejected her advances she found me even more appealing as a friend and confidante. My attraction to her was platonic; I loved her like I loved my sisters, and as pleasurable as her bed would have no doubt been, I just hadn't been able to cross that line with her. She later admitted that she was pleased I hadn't; her attention span when it came to lovers was somewhat short and fickle. By dissuading her from her attempts to seduce me, I had allowed her to have the uncomplicated love and friendship that had been missing in her life.

She narrowed her eyes at me. "Not girl trouble, but..." she said slowly as her mind ticked over. She could tell from the unease on my face and the way I was avoiding her gaze, that she was guessing a little too close to home.

_Boy trouble?_

I nodded hesitantly.

"Oh!" She was surprised, but the shock I had been expecting to hear wasn't present in her voice. "I mean, I didn't know you...how are they saying it these days?...that you bat for the other team?"

I smiled as yet again her humor helped ease my mind. I had to admit that part of the reason I had resisted talking with her was because I was afraid of revulsion, or worse, rejection from her. I should have known that I could rely on her support.

"Neither did I," I said ruefully.

I'd never been attracted to another male before. But, I'd never really been attracted to a female, either. For the longest time, I had simply accepted that I was asexual and that being physically and emotionally drawn to someone else was something that was outside of the realms of what I was capable of. I could appreciate beauty, but it was as one admires fine art, with a detached, impersonal gaze. My experiences of love were limited to platonic and familial relationships, and while those bonds were strong, I'd certainly never before felt the earth-moving emotional connection that I had felt with Seth.

"So..." she waited for me to elaborate.

I opened my mouth, but found myself at a loss as to how to explain to her that I had fallen in love with a shape-shifter. A boy who was part wolf, and therefore our family's sworn enemy.

"It's complicated," I replied.

_Complicated. Impossible. Forbidden._

_And it hurts._

"Does the family know?"

She looked taken aback as I shook my head.

"But, Alice..."

"Like I said, it's complicated."

"You're afraid they won't accept him?" she asked softly.

Under any other circumstances, I was positive my family would have been ecstatic that I had finally found my mate. I was sure the fact that Seth was a male wouldn't be an issue for any of them, but I wasn't fool enough to think that they would be able to get past the fact he was also a shape-shifter. It wasn't just a complication - it was an insurmountable danger. I would be putting them all at risk, and I could imagine their violent opposition.

I sighed, and nodded. I was still trying to understand the implications of what had happened to me, and while there was more to explain to Tanya, I found myself keeping some secrets tight to my chest.

"Edward. I think you're underestimating your family's love for you. They worry about you**,** and just want you to be happy. If you love this boy..."

"It's not as simple as that, Tanya."

"What is it you're not telling me?"

My silence worried her, but she continued nevertheless. "When Rosalie turned up with a bleeding, half-dead human and begged Carlisle to save him, did you deny her? Tell her that it was a lost cause and she should let him die? Of course not! You could see that Emmett was already a part of her, and all of you did everything you could to change him in time and let her find love."

I could see what Tanya was trying to say, but in my mind it wasn't the same. Emmett was on the verge of death when Rose found him. Carlisle saved him because that's what he does best; there was no way "Dr Cullen" would have just let him die.

"It's not the same..."

Tanya interrupted me. "OK. Alice, then. She came home with a red-eyed, bloodthirsty vampire that had only ever known war and destruction. That was an even bigger danger, wasn't it? Did the family tell her no, and deny her a place amongst you because the risk was too much? No! You could see and feel that they were mates, and so you all learned to put your fear and reservations aside. Can you imagine not having Jasper in your life now? Whatever the issue is, your happiness is more important. Your family loves you, Edward. They just want you to be happy."

_You're a good person, Edward..._

The tenderness of her thoughts touched me, and I found myself considering how much easier everything would have been if I had fallen for her instead, if I had been able to return her advances, or been able to see her as more than just a cherished friend. Even falling for a _human girl _would have been easier to deal with than what I was facing.

_...and you deserve to be happy._

Could it possibly be as simple as that? That my family loved me and would learn to live with whatever form my happiness came in? Even as shocking as my revelation would be for them?

In Tanya's mind, I saw her memories of my family; the love that radiated off us as a group and the strength of our bond.

Her absolute conviction that they would accept whatever it was I needed to tell them, played over and over in my mind, and I found myself wanting to believe it. Desperately, I clung to the thought that she could be right, that there was a way to reconcile my life with my family and my love for a shape-shifter.

And it was with her words echoing in my mind that I drove back to Forks.

* * *

It wasn't until I saw him again that I realized how much it had hurt to be so far from him.

Part of me had hoped that I wouldn't feel anything, that it had simply been a one-time aberration, and now everything would go back to normal.

The other part of me waited anxiously for his arrival in class. I was _nervous_, a lovestruck junkie waiting for another fix of him. I was pathetic.

The ever-present tightness in my chest had eased to a bearable dull ache as I'd driven back to Forks. Every mile that flew by was another mile closer to home, closer to him. I'd spent most of the trip convincing myself that I could handle this, that everything was going to be fine.

The moment he walked into class, I knew I was a lost cause. I felt something explode inside me, the air suddenly alive and humming with my need. It was like it had been months or years since I'd seen him last, not just a few days, and instantly I knew I could never be apart from him again.

I was all at once elated, and yet, I despaired. This was real. There was no coming back from this.

Banner slapped a piece of paper on our shared desk. "You two pair up, OK?"

Seth sighed with what I assumed was resignation. He picked up the assignment, scanning it quickly before sliding it across the desk to me.

It wasn't particularly difficult, especially if you are a vampire with countless high school diplomas and numerous college degrees, but it was reasonably involved. I estimated Seth and I were going to have to spend at least ten hours together to get it completed. I'd never been as thankful for Banner's penchant for out of class assessment as I was right then.

"My house, tomorrow after school suit you?" I asked him.

He paused. I eavesdropped without thinking about it; the vision of me asking him, all glaring and domineering, shocked me. My restraint was paper thin. It was taking every ounce of my self control to sit next to him, converse with him, act like everything was normal; and apparently, the effort to restrain myself made me look fierce and demanding. If Seth's thoughts were to be believed, I was also an arrogant ass. Quickly, his thoughts turned to danger, warning, hatred...fear.

"My family won't be there, if that's what you're worried about," I said, trying to soften the tone of my voice, "and there is plenty of room to study."

I could see him considering my offer. In his mind, I could see his reluctance to venture up to "vampire territory", but underneath, there also burned an intense desire to succeed.

"OK," he said finally. He glanced at me before adding in a whisper, "Is it true what they say about your coven?"

I winced at his choice of words. "We prefer to call ourselves a family, and no, we don't eat humans." I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at him as I replied under my breath.

He didn't add anything further, turning his attention back to the paper Banner had given us.

He was already starting to plan out the piece of work in his head. I could see there were holes in his knowledge base, but his mind was quick and sharp. It was clear that he wasn't happy about being transferred, but it did appear that he was keen to learn.

Already, he was scribbling ideas on the back of the paper.

I watched as he chewed on the end of his pencil, pushing it between his pink lips, his teeth making indentations in the soft wood. I could see the tip of his tongue rolling the pencil around in his mouth, as tiny splinters of yellow paint fell silently to the desk.

I was spellbound - by the movement of the yellow pencil caressing his perfectly plump lips. He had no idea how he tempted and teased me. I don't know how long I sat mesmerized by him. Time seemed irrelevant. Everything was irrelevant.

Except him.

He sighed, the sound soft and sweet, and the spicy scent of his breath floated across to me. I breathed in deep; the taste of him on the air making me reel with need for him.

I had never wanted anything as much as I wanted - no, _needed - _to touch him. My hands ached for him, and I dug my fingers into the desk to keep them from reaching for him.

Finger grooves carved into the underside of my desk; an outward scar of the internal struggles of my heart.

This was going to be more difficult than I could possibly have imagined, and I shook my head at myself as I realized biology was no longer going to be an hour of mindless school time to endure.

Biology was now my raison d'etre.

My treasured hour of tortured bliss.

* * *

At my request, Carlisle called a family meeting, but as I sat facing them, I began to falter, my thoughts turning once again to running away. Only Tanya's words, echoing in my head, kept me in my seat.

"Edward?" While Carlisle's voice was smooth and supportive, I could see his underlying thoughts were full of concern. His fear that I was going to announce I was leaving permanently played heavily on his mind as he waited for me to speak.

"I have something to tell you," I began. I'd played this conversation over and over in my head, spending hours trying to figure out how best to tell them. In the end, I simply hadn't been able to settle on any words that I thought would make this easier; for any of us.

"There's a new boy at school; Seth Clearwater."

I could see Alice grimace at my words, but it was Jasper that gasped and flew out of his chair as I spoke Seth's name. I should have known that he would know the truth of my heart before I laid it bare.

Carlisle and Esme exchanged worried looks as Jasper and I stood locked in each other's gaze.

Jasper's mind was a maelstrom of emotions. His own confusion and anger slashed and tore through his mind as he fought back images of war and wolves. His violent thoughts were vivid gashes against the backdrop of emotion he was feeling from me; swirls of love, and a need so deep it made him want to drop to his knees. I could see him battling for control, the strength of emotional turmoil making him feel almost physically ill.

Concerned at Jasper's unexpected reaction, Alice reached out and touched his hand. Immediately, I could see his mind wash over with the feelings of absolute rightness and could sense the relief he felt at her touch. The love and adoration he was picking up from me as I thought of Seth, spiked to a whole new level and I saw his body sway under the impact.

His eyes widened.

_Tell me I'm wrong, Edward!_

I shook my head.  
_  
Mates?_

His thoughts were incredulous, but at the same time his mind echoed with two distinct but identical emotions of love and completeness. His love for Alice and mine for Seth; mirrors of each other that reverberated through his mind and body.

It was only another second before Jasper had to let some of the storm of emotions out into the ether. I felt his relief as he allowed himself to release just a little bit of the pressure from his head.

I heard Esme's soft sigh as her hands automatically fell into Carlisle's; her adoration mirrored in his loving gaze. Next to me, Emmett's thoughts turned quickly to the carnal - unwanted images of him and Rosalie flashing through my head. Jasper moved toward Alice, wrapping his hands around her shoulders as he anchored himself to her.

"Jasper..." I pleaded with him to rein it in again. The atmosphere in the room was quickly spiraling out of control. The air around me was filled with thoughts of love and longing and lust as mate touched mate. Partners, soul-mates, lovers. And me; alone, but just as desperate.

Gradually, I could see Jasper fighting to draw everything back. After a moment, he managed to reach deep inside himself for calm and peace, and it was with a sigh of relief that I felt the wave wash over me.

"Dude, what the hell was that?" Emmett asked Jasper as he shook his head like he was trying to clear the haze of lust that had clouded his vision just a moment earlier.

Jasper glared at me. His eyes speaking the thoughts in his mind.

_You have to tell them!_

"Edward?" Esme asked softly. "What's going on?"

I hadn't said it out loud yet, even to myself, and at first the words refused to come, wrapping tighter around my heart instead. I paused, steeling myself.

"He's my mate."

The stunned silence only lasted a second before Rose let her thoughts be known.

"What?" she screeched as she slammed the table with her hand, the wood splitting under the force of her anger. "You have _got _to be kidding me!"

I glanced at Carlisle. His face was impassive, his thoughts hidden behind a list of diagnostic medical terms. He didn't meet my eye; his silence more painful to bear than his outright disapproval ever could be.

Rose was ranting now, vitriol rolling off her tongue as she accused me of having a death wish.

"I can't believe you wait ninety years to finally get some, and then you go and choose a _dog_. Are you trying to get yourself killed? Fuck, Edward! They'll kill us all! You've always been a moody, selfish prick, but this is going too far. You can't endanger..."

"Rose!" Emmett admonished. She huffed at him indignantly, but she at least had the grace to stop her shouting as Esme glared at her in warning.

"I'm sure this isn't easy for Edward, Rose. I think we should give him a chance to explain," Esme said patiently.

Six sets of golden eyes turned to me expectantly, and for the first time in my one hundred and seven years I was lost for words, stuttering and stammering, my mouth refusing to co-operate.

"I...I'm sorry...I know that...I just..."

_I need him. I want him. I can't live without him. There are no words for this._

"I know what I felt." Jasper sensed my inability to voice the magnitude of what I was feeling, and he spoke for the first time since we had come together around the table.

"It's true?" Esme asked softly.

Jasper nodded.

"Oh, Edward. I'm so happy for you." Her voice was full of pride and awe, and the pureness of her joy made me ache inside.

"Well, its about time!" Emmett patted me soundly on the back like I had just announced I was going out to hunt for bear, not that I was in love with our _enemy_. And a guy. I searched his thoughts for unease or discomfort, hatred even, but there was nothing but uncomplicated warmth. Male, wolf, enemy; it really didn't matter to him.

He smiled as if he could sense my disbelief. "Whatever makes you happy, dude."

"I don't fucking believe this!" Rose shot me a murderous look and stormed out of the room.

Emmett shrugged apologetically before following after her. "She'll come 'round."

Alice had been strangely silent, and she looked at me with wide, sad eyes.

"Of course, I want you to be happy too, but I don't like this, Edward. I can't see _anything_."

She was frightened. To an extent, we all relied on her gift to forewarn of possible threats of exposure, and I could understand her reticence. Her thoughts were filled with worry that, without the insight of her gift, we would unwittingly find ourselves in danger. She wanted to be happy for me, but right now she couldn't get past the risks that Seth presented to the family.

I didn't know what I was going to do, or how I was going to love him when he hated me. This was all new to me, and I was confused and floundering. There was a part of me that almost regretted that I wouldn't have the benefit of Alice's gift to guide me, but at the same time I found myself feeling grateful for the privacy.

Esme glanced at Alice and Jasper, and the three of them stood. Esme touched me on the shoulder as she moved to the door, her love and acceptance warm against my heart and mind.

And then, Carlisle and I were alone.

"Edward..."

"Look, I understand you're disappointed, but I didn't choose for this to happen - it just did. Do you honestly think I _wanted _to fall in love with one of them? I don't want to put the family in danger, but I can't leave him, Carlisle."

Just the thought of moving away more permanently and leaving him, made my fists clench. The memory of being in Alaska, the physical pain of being that far from him - I knew I couldn't leave him again.

I braced myself for Carlisle's rebuke, looking in his golden eyes for disgust or condemnation.

"I'm not here to pass judgment, Edward," he said softly. "I'm happy for you, actually."

Tanya, of course, had been right. I was such a fool.

"He doesn't know," I admitted, the words hanging heavily in the air between us.

"We'll work something out. It won't be easy, I'm sure, but we'll find a way to make this work. I promise." His thoughts were genuinely full of comfort and concern, and I let them soothe the unease in my mind.

"What if he never..." I couldn't bring myself to say the words.

"Don't rush things, Edward. You might be surprised by what happens - just take a step back and let it."

I nodded, even though I wasn't really sure what he was talking about.

He glanced at me, letting his mental guard down, allowing me access to his thoughts again.

He was sharing with me what he knew of the Quileute people. Memories from the time when we had lived here previously; his interactions with the tribal leaders who had signed the Treaty, including conversations that I hadn't been privy to. Tribal folklore that he had researched. An intriguing blend of facts and superstitions wrapped in mystery. I soaked it all up, committing it all to memory instantly.

"From what I know, the ability to phase into a wolf is rare, and limited to a specific number of tribal members that form the protective pack."

I nodded. I already knew that it wasn't everyone with Quileute lineage who was able to transform into a wolf.

"The existence of a pack isn't something that occurs naturally, however. It's only necessary in times of danger."

"And by danger, you mean us," I continued for him.

"Exactly. Vampires of any predilection are a possible threat, and so long as there are vampires around there will be members of the tribe who are able to phase into wolf form."

I wondered why Carlisle was telling me things I already knew.

"Do you know the really interesting thing I discovered about the ability to shape-shift?"

He paused, looking me in the eye as I waited for the answer I knew he would give me.

"It prevents the aging process."

The word _immortal _burned through my mind like wildfire.

* * *

Friends.

It seemed odd to think it, but that was what we were.

I don't know the exact moment that Seth stopped seeing me as the enemy; I tried to keep out of his head as much as possible. I knew it made him uneasy, and the truth be told, I couldn't bear to see the hatred and animosity that he felt towards me. After a few weeks, I realized that the underlying sharpness in his tone and the tightness around his eyes when he looked at me, had disappeared. When my curiosity finally got the better of me and I stole a glance at his thoughts again, I was grateful that the hatred that had battered me that first day had faded to a dull distrust.

I wasn't naive enough to think that he would ever feel the same as the way I felt about him, but this new fragile friendship, grown from the seeds of hate, was enough of a consolation.

For now.

Deep inside, I still longed for _more_ even if I wasn't really sure exactly what that meant, but I had resolved to take what I could get, and if that meant ignoring the desires of my heart then that's what I would do: I would be his _friend_.

I pulled up my car at our agreed meeting place - a careful 100 yards from where the Treaty Line crossed the main road into La Push. As usual, Seth was waiting for me, and I watched him run towards me, mesmerized by the flexing of the muscles in his legs. His hair was still wet from his shower, glossy like blackest ink, and I found myself wondering how it would feel against my fingertips, all wet and shiny and soft.

He was exquisite, and it stung.

_Just. Friends._

"Hey," he said in greeting as opened the car door.

I nodded, and waited for him to throw his school bag on the back seat before turning the car around and heading back to Forks.

A week ago, Seth's death trap of a truck blew a head gasket. I can't say I was surprised - the thing seemed to be mostly held together with rust, but for some reason he seemed attached to it. It only took one humiliating morning of having his mother drop him at school for Seth to accept my offer to pick him up and take him to school with me. He had been reluctant to begin with, and I could only imagine his response if I told him what I actually wanted to do, was buy him a new truck. I knew his family couldn't afford to replace it, and the cost of a brand new top of the line model wouldn't make the slightest dent in my bank account.

As tempting as it was, Seth was fiercely proud and I was not that stupid.

As if knowing my thoughts, he turned to me. "Rosalie say anything about my truck?"

"She said you could come and get it tomorrow. And some other things about oil filters and transmission fluid, but to be honest, it would be best if you just spoke to her about it."

He laughed at my obvious disinterest in the finer points of mechanics.

"It will be so great to get it back," he grinned.

I smiled and nodded, pretending to be pleased. I knew he was looking forward to having his independence back, but I didn't share his enthusiasm. When his truck was fixed, there would be no reason for me to pick him up each morning.

Our new morning routine had become the highlight of my days, because for the seventeen minutes it took to drive to school, I had Seth all to myself.

For seventeen too-short minutes he sat next to me, close enough I could feel the heat of his skin. Close enough to steal touches of him when my hand brushed past his knee to reach the console.

For seventeen glorious minutes, in the intimate confines of my car, I could listen to every beat of his heart. I cherished every moment, every breath he took, every exhale; watching him breathe out so I could breathe him in. His spicy scent wrapping around my tongue; as close to a kiss as I would ever get.

For seventeen heart-breaking minutes, it was just him and me, and nothing else mattered. Not even all the reasons why this was so wrong, or all the reasons why this could never be.

For seventeen minutes the pain that haunted my every waking moment disappeared, because there was nothing but him.

And now that his truck was fixed, I would be denied even that.

"I still don't get why she's fixing it for me when she hates me," he said absentmindedly as he stared out the window.

"She doesn't hate you," I said cautiously.

He shot me a disbelieving look.

"Ok, well, maybe hate is too strong a word. Rose is...complicated." I said apologetically.

As Emmett predicted, Rose had slowly begun to thaw. In Seth's words, she was still an 'icy bitch', and she continued to throw around caustic comments whenever he was around. Both Emmett and I enjoyed seeing Seth trade insults with her, giving back as good as he got. It was rare that she was caught speechless, but every now and then Seth dealt her a comment that she couldn't come back from. Emmett would never say as much in front of her, but I saw in his thoughts that he enjoyed seeing Seth stand up for himself. Unfortunately, I also knew that Emmett enjoyed more private benefits of a pissed-off Rose. I didn't think she would ever get over the fact that Seth was a Quileute, and therefore our enemy. She still feared that, at some point, everything was going to blow up in my face, and she was firm in her belief that I was putting the whole family in danger. Despite her misgivings though, she had slowly begun to accept that I wasn't going to give him up.

Emmett, on the other hand, had welcomed Seth into our lives without so much as batting an eye. They got on well, and when Seth came up to the house to do school work with me, he would usually spend some time with Emmett as well. As far as I could see, this usually involved them acting like idiots. A part of me felt envious at the ease and naturalness of their interactions, and I found myself wishing it could be that simple for me.

Even though there was a part of me that wanted Seth all to myself, I was grateful that he and Emmett had some sort of friendship developing. Without Emmett's "powers of persuasion" as he called it, Rose would never have agreed to fix Seth's truck. She'd snarled at me and said she wasn't doing it for me, or my _dog_, but because Emmett had asked her to - but I knew that working on a truck of that age was a challenge she couldn't resist. She may have acted like she didn't want to help, but in reality, she couldn't wait to get her head under the hood.

Reluctantly, I pulled into the school parking lot. My seventeen minutes were almost up, and I quickly inhaled another breath of him.

"Thanks," he said as he grabbed his bag and climbed out of my car.

"Sure," I said, simply.

Biology was hours away. Hours to fill with thoughts of him.

I sighed as he walked away.

_Please don't go. It hurts when you leave me._

_

* * *

_

When school ended, Seth was waiting for me by my car. While he was almost bouncing with excitement about getting his truck back, I was trying not to think about driving to school in the morning with an empty seat beside me.

"Ready?" I asked, trying to keep my disappointment from showing in my voice.

"Yeah. Let's go."

We drove the short trip to my house in silence. Seth's leg tapped impatiently on floor while I tried to memorize every detail of him sitting in my car, hoping the scent of him would linger against the leather until the morning.

I pulled up at the house, and Seth was out of the car and walking purposefully toward the garage before I'd even turned the motor off.

I saw that Rose was waiting for him, so I left them to speak car together while I took my bag up to my room.

Esme sought me out after a few minutes, knocking quietly on my bedroom door.

"Is Seth staying for awhile?" she asked, sounding hopeful.

"I'm not sure. He's downstairs with Rose, talking about his truck."

"Do you think he'll want something to eat?"

"Probably," I laughed. I'd never once seen Seth turn down an offer of food. He was huge; almost as big as Emmett, and had an appetite to match. We were much the same height, but where he was bulky and stretched cotton over tight muscles, I was lean and wiry. I knew the physical exertion of phasing and the miles he covered as a wolf meant his dietary needs were more than your average teenage male, but it was still shocking to see how much he ate.

"Well, I bought some more of those cookies he likes, so if he comes up, let him know?" she said with a soft smile. When she thought of Seth, it was warm and maternal, like he was part of us; a member of the family. She genuinely enjoyed shopping for food for him, and making sure that he was taken care of - it was sweet, if a little nauseating.

I headed back down to the garage to see if Rose had finished giving Seth the run-down on what she'd done to the truck.

As I pulled open the door I caught her thoughts.

_Edward, I thought you said you were paying for these mods._

I nodded. Of course I was going to pay.

"So...how much do I owe you?" Seth had his hands on his hips, and I could tell Rose must have already evaded the question. There was a determined line to his shoulders, and I knew without hearing his thoughts that he wasn't going to back down.

She narrowed her eyes at me.

_I spent two grand making this thing roadworthy!_

"Two hundred. You can pay it off," she said to him shortly. She glared at me again, and then turned and flounced through the door and up the stairs.

_You owe me for that._

I ignored her departing comment, and walked over to Seth's truck. It still looked as decrepit as ever to me.

"All fixed, I take it?"

He grinned, and ran his hands over the bonnet.

"Yeah. Rosalie sure knows what she's doing. I can't wait to drive it again," he said appreciatively.

"Are you going to go now?" My tone reeked of desperation, and quickly I tried to cover it up. "Esme was asking. She got some of those cookies you like."

"Oh yeah, I love those, but I really have to go. Sorry. Mom needs to go out, and Dad..."

His father's illness wasn't something we had discussed at length. I knew he was sick, and the almost reverent tone that Seth used when he spoke of him led me to believe that his prognosis wasn't good.

"OK." I forced myself to swallow back a grimace. His father's needs were more important than mine, and I hated myself for being so selfish and wanting him to stay longer.

I watched, silent and longing, as he climbed into his truck.

"See you tomorrow?"

I nodded reluctantly, thinking he meant biology in fourth period.

"Same time as this morning?"

A wide, spontaneous smile broke out across my face.

He grinned back at me as his truck rumbled to life. He gave me a quick wave as he sped down the driveway, and I watched him disappear in a cloud of dust.

Emmett passed me on the stairs as I headed up to my room.

_Dude, you look like the cat who just got the cream._

I just nodded, and then shut my bedroom door. I needed to be alone with this strange and glorious feeling, this deep inside joy that fluttered in my chest.

I felt giddy and lightheaded, and for the first time that I could remember...hopeful.

* * *

Over the next few months, Seth and I spent most afternoons at my house working on assignments or studying for exams together. Although the disapproval of his pack leader weighed heavily on his mind, Seth seemed more than happy to spend what spare time he had with me. I tried to tell myself that this was for purely academic reasons - he wanted to go to college and I was helping him improve his grades, but my heart noticed the lingering glances and the occasional non-accidental touch of his hand. I tried to make it be still, but with every passing day the tie that bound me to him pulled tighter, and my heart could not be tamed.

Once exams were finished, I had despaired that our afternoons together would be lost. I wasn't sure a few hours at school every day would be enough, and in a desperate moment I had suggested that we explore the National Park that bordered Forks.

To my delight, Seth had taken me up on the offer without hesitation. Now, our afternoons were spent up in the forest. Sometimes we hiked, other times we ran - Seth as a wolf and me running at my natural speed, and other times we simply sat and talked.

The only thing that was always the same about our expeditions was that Seth always phased at some point. He said the wilderness made him crave it, and this afternoon was no exception.

"Do you mind if I...?" he asked tentatively.

I could see the impatience scratching away at him, an eagerness that was as instinctive as breathing. I didn't need to be inside his head to see how much he needed to.

"It's fine, you know. You don't have to ask." I turned my back so he could remove his clothes, pretending I didn't want to peek.

I could always tell the instant the change was complete. He described it as a flash of fire and blood, a sudden surge of energy, but to me it was much more subtle. His heart beat faster and he smelled different; like earth after rain, something raw and primal.

Wolf.

He nudged my hand with his snout, his breath hot and wet against my palm.

_I'm going to run for a bit. Do you want to come?_

"You go. I'll wait here."

I watched him shake his sandy-colored coat and then lope off into the trees. Seth was just as beautiful as a wolf as he was as a boy sitting next to me in class. The first time I'd seen him as a wolf had been the day of that stupid race on the baseball field, and I'd been shocked by the sheer size of him. I had to admit I had totally underestimated what phasing into a wolf would entail. I winced as I realized I had actually expected something around the size of a large dog. Certainly, I had not anticipated Seth turning into a huge predatory beast that moved at lightning speed.

He was majestic.

I sat on an upturned log and lost myself in the view from my ridge. My special place where I had sought comfort so many times was now one I shared. I smiled as my thoughts turned not to darkness or despair, but to Seth; a heavy blanket of contentment wrapping around me as I waited for him.

It wasn't long till he reappeared in my thoughts. I could hear him calling to me, letting me know he was on his way back. He emerged from the edge of the forest, his huge paws thumping across the ground as he ambled over to me. For a creature so huge, he moved with a natural fluidity that was striking; a powerhouse of muscle and fur, grace and poise.

He flopped to the ground beside me, panting lightly, his moisture-filled breath visible in the cool air. I could feel the coarse hairs of his coat against my leg, prickly but soft at the same time. I reached my hand out before I realized what I was doing, and pushed my fingers into his fur.

He whipped his head around and a soft growl rose in his throat, his eyes flashing with warning.

"May I?"

His thoughts were silent, but he dropped his head, resting it on his paws as I stroked the side of his thick pelt. From a distance, he was the color of golden sand, but up close I could see the individual sleek strands of his coat were actually an infinite spectrum of colors, from yellow and auburn through to darkest brown and even coal black.

On his ears the fur was much shorter, and impossibly soft. His eyelids slowly slid closed as I caressed him; velvet heat and golden divinity under my fingertips.

We sat in silence as the clouds chased each other across the sky. His thoughts strangely quiet as mine bubbled with wonder and amazement as he continued to allow me to touch him, my fingers buried in his coat. My hand and heart joyous, and full of him.

Too soon, he raised his head, leaning it against my leg.

_I'm going to phase back now._

I nodded, instantly feeling bereft as he broke the contact and walked away from me. I turned my gaze back to the view as he phased again, an odd feeling of loss settling over me as my wolf changed back to a human.

Even though the moment of intimacy we had shared was gone, when Seth returned to my side, it felt like he sat closer to me than before, spreading himself out along the log. He looked calm and relaxed as he casually tossed a pocket knife between his hands.

"Do you ever wish you were _normal_?" he asked me.

"Sometimes," I admitted.

He picked up a small piece of wood and began to whittle away at it with his knife. "Sometimes, I wish I'd never phased."

I was surprised; he seemed so comfortable in his second skin.

"Really?"

"There's a part of me that loves being a wolf, but sometimes it just feels like a burden. Sometimes it's hard to ignore the fact I'm a freak."

He raised his eyes to me in a silent question.

I knew what he was asking. "It takes time, Seth. You're still relatively new to it all. I've been "a freak" much longer than you, and I still have days where I hate everything I am and am angry for everything I'll never have." I spared him my blackest thoughts on the subject. "But in the end, I just had to learn to accept it. There's nothing I can do about it now, and I try to just concentrate on the things I do have."

"I just wish...I don't know...it's harder than I thought it was going to be..." His voice trailed off and I resisted the urge to see what he was thinking. "Sometimes...I just want it to go away."

"You need to make your peace with it, Seth. It will drive you crazy, otherwise," I said softly.

He grunted in acknowledgment, but didn't say anything else. I let him think in quiet, respecting his preference for privacy, but wishing I could offer something else to ease his mind.

The sun began to edge towards the horizon.

"We better head back." I sensed the reluctance in his voice. I didn't want to leave either, but he had to be home by dark.

"Here," he said suddenly, thrusting something toward me.

I reached for it, and he dropped a small wooden figure into my palm. I picked it up, stunned and silent as I realized what it was.

Seth had carved me a wolf.

It was about one inch high, created by his hands from pale, white wood. The wolf sat on its haunches, muzzle raised to the sky. It was a little lopsided and there were rough pieces where he hadn't had time to smooth the splinters. A little piece of him.

It was perfect.

My awe stretched on too long, and Seth grimaced, moving to take it back from me.

I snatched my hand back, wrapping my fingers around it safely and holding it against my chest.

I couldn't look at him as I murmured my thanks.

* * *

He was snoring. The sounds of sleep were not something I was used to hearing, and I was entranced as I listened to his heavy breathing, the unintelligible mumblings, the groans and murmurs. It was marveling to me that he was totally oblivious to the noises his body made as he slept.

As fascinating as his night noises were, it was his dreams that kept me by his side. I knew he'd hate it if he knew I was invading his privacy so blatantly, but I couldn't stop. I ignored the feelings of guilt as I let myself soak up the images in his head.

He was drunk, and the images were distorted and hazy from the effects of the half bottle of gasoline-like liquor he'd drunk at the beach party, but I could see _me.  
_  
His dream came in flashes, split-second images that burned themselves on my brain; golden eyes, my hands reaching across our biology desk, the back of my head as I leaned down to talk to Alice, the sharp line of my jaw.

He was dreaming of _me._

As I watched, he began to replay the events of the evening, as if he was flicking through an album of grainy black and white photographs. The burn of alcohol in his throat. My side profile illuminated in the glow of the bonfire. Sand between his toes. The black, incapacitating weight of nothingness.

Then me again. Strong arms. Cool comfort. Relief. An overwhelming feeling like he was _home._

And something more. Something strong and undeniable.

Something from deep inside him that I recognized instantly because it was the same way I felt about him.

Need. Desire...Love.

I couldn't help but bring my hand to his slumbering form, sliding my palm along his cheek, reveling in the feel of his skin burning under my hand. Blazing heat and icy stone meeting together like fireworks, little sparks of joy against my hand, and in my heart.

"I can wait," I whispered as I stole another touch of him.

And I would. I would wait for as long as it took for him to realize what his heart already knew.

* * *

I came home from school to find Alice waiting for me outside my room. She was bouncing on her toes, reciting french poetry in her head - sure signs she was up to something.

I cocked my eyebrow at her. "What have you done, Alice?"

"Nothing you weren't already considering," she answered coyly.

I sighed and stepped past her to open the door to my bedroom. A bedroom that now included a king-sized bed.

Profanities were close to escaping my mouth as I took in everything. A bed; big enough for two, obviously. Black sheets. White comforter. Black velvet throw. It was masculine but still managed to look inviting. I would never admit it to Alice, but it did look quite comfortable.

"Alice!" I growled.

"I can hear Seth is almost here. We'll talk about it later, OK?" She laughed and left me standing staring at my new bed as I heard Seth's truck rumble up the driveway.

I froze, not knowing what to do. Normally, we worked in the dining room, but Seth had asked to use my computer - which was in my room. I was mortified, but there was no avoiding it. I could already hear him greeting Esme and running up the stairs.

I cringed as I heard him enter the room behind me.

"Whoa!" he breathed.

He dropped his bag on the floor and walked past me to the bed, running his finger along the cotton cover.

"This is...nice."

He didn't look shocked or upset, and I let out the breath I had been holding.

"Alice." I said simply, knowing I didn't need to explain further.

"You don't like it?" he asked.

"It's not that I don't like it," I said cautiously.

"But?"

"I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I know what it must look like, and I'm sorry. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, or feel like I'm trying to imply something." I rushed the words out in a stream of embarrassment.

"It's just a bed, Edward," Seth said. There was a glimmer in his eyes, and I tried to ignore it as I continued my word vomit.

"I think maybe Alice thought that, you know, if you ever stayed over again, if you were drunk again, or something like that, that you might want to sleep with me, I mean not like that, but here, with me..." I stared at him, my eyes wide. I suddenly understood the saying about the floor opening up and swallowing you.

His laugh was light as he sat down on the bed.

"I'm pretty sure Alice didn't buy you a brand new bed..." he paused, tapping his finger against his lips as if he was thinking, "...just in case I get drunk again."

He leaned back on his elbows and smirked, that glimmer in his eyes taunting me as he spoke again.

"In fact, I think Alice had something entirely different on her mind when she bought this bed for you, Edward."

I was completely and utterly out of my depth.

Seth was in my room, sitting on _my bed_, teasing me in the most awfully delicious ways. It was almost too much to bear.

He patted the bed next to him, and I went to his side; instantly, instinctively.

Within a beat of his heart, our hands and lips and tongues and breaths were intertwined. I would never, ever be able to get enough of him.

That day on our ridge, when we had kissed for the first time, was burned forever in my mind. That long awaited promise and assurance that he wanted me, in exactly the same sweet way I wanted him, was one of the most memorable experiences of my life.

That day our kisses had been tentative and careful; painted with our inexperience and insecurities. Now our embraces weren't so innocent; they burned with a hunger and a desire for more. A desire that neither of us acknowledged, but it sung to us both. It wouldn't, couldn't, be ignored for too much longer.

Seth moaned as my hands fisted in his hair. His hands clutched at me, pulling me closer, harder, hotter. Over the past few weeks, he had surprised me with a new-found confidence, his lust-laden almost-demands only making me want him more. We were both finding our way, new to it all, but it was intoxicating, and in each other's arms there was no reason to be afraid.

"Seth." I whispered his name as he kissed me along my jaw, blazing a trail of wet heat across my skin. He groaned in response before claiming my lips again. His spicy taste filled my mouth, making me think of wide open spaces and the feel of the air just before it rains. I ran my hands over every inch of him I could find, trying to remember to make my movements slow so I could better control the pressure; my greatest fear was that I would accidentally hurt him in the heat of the moment. He was gloriously soft under my roaming hands, and I memorized every line of his body as the heat of him burned through me.

I just couldn't get enough.

Suddenly, I realized something wasn't right. I pulled back.

Seth's eyes were glazed over. He wasn't breathing.

I blew on his face. "Seth! Breathe!"

He gasped.

"Breathe!" I urged as I started to panic.

He sucked in air, ragged and scratchy.

"Fuck!" he muttered, running his hands through his hair. He shot me an amused glance. "You kissed the fucking breath right out of me!"

* * *

My family were on an extended hunting trip in Canada. I was so used to the background hum of my family's thoughts, and the busy noises of a house full of vampires who never slept, that the house seemed eerily quiet.

Tonight, the only sounds that filled my ears were those of Seth's heavy breathing and the little moans of pleasure he made as he lay in my arms.

I let his thoughts wash over me as we kissed and explored each other's bodies. Normally, I tried to stay out of his mind as much as possible, but I knew that when we were being intimate together was when he welcomed me into his head. He loved pushing his lust through his mind to me, and being on the receiving end of his most secret desires was overwhelmingly erotic.

The images of us kissing and touching each other made me groan against his lips, and I pulled him closer to me, needing to feel the heat of him against my chest. He began to imagine what it was going to be like when we left for college in a few weeks. This was something he revisited over and over, and I shared his impatience - I couldn't wait for us to start our new life in Seattle, either. In his mind, we were holding hands walking through a campus - that wasn't too far off what UW actually looked like - then sitting together in a lecture hall. Quickly, as they always did, his thoughts spiraled out of control, and the images in his head turned to the carnal.

Only, this time they weren't vague images of the two of us in bed in an unfamiliar room. We were in my room, in my bed, lying together exactly as we were right at that moment. I watched, spellbound and bubbling with anticipation as Seth imagined us making love.

In his head, I watched the loss of our virginity; sweet kisses, tender embraces, whispered words of love. It made my heart swell as I saw how much he wanted to take the emotions that we felt for each other and transform them into something physical. The next step in our relationship - love in its most pleasurable form.

I hadn't realized I'd stopped returning his kisses, completely lost in his fantasy, until he pulled away from me, a worried look on his face.

"Do you not...?" he asked, uncertainty making his voice waver.

"I want to," I assured him as I kissed along his collarbone.

"Me, too. God! Me, too," he murmured, as I moved my lips up his neck towards the sweet spot below his ear.

The images in his mind started to replay, but this time there was a thread of uncertainty swirling across everything. I wanted this just as much as he did, and I knew it wasn't about readiness that was making him hesitate.

"I think you should be the one to..." My inexperience frustrated me; I couldn't even find the words to describe what it was I wanted. "I don't want to hurt you," I whispered.

I wanted to do that for him one day, too, but right now, our first time together, I wanted to give all of myself to him. I loved him unconditionally, with everything that I was, and this act of love was my gift to him.

He visibly relaxed at my words, and I reached across to the bedside table for the bottle of lubricant that one of my siblings, Emmett no doubt, had left in my room. I handed it to him and then rolled to face away from him, just like the images I had seen in his mind.

He left a trail of kisses along my shoulder as he slid his arm under my neck so he could pull himself closer to me. The love I could see in his thoughts, the wet heat of his breath on my skin, the soft, smooth skin of his chest against my back, his slick fingers finding me - I was overcome by the sensations, whimpering against his arm as I tried not to lose control.

He pressed against me.

"I love you," he whispered, before pushing slowly inside me.

I moaned in bliss as he stretched and filled me; the feeling of being so close, so connected to him was more amazing than I could ever have imagined.

"Fuck!" Seth muttered under his breath, his fingers digging into my hips. Agonizingly slowly, he began to move, his forehead pressed to my shoulder, his breath ragged and shaky as he rocked against me.

I had seen intimate acts numerous times in the minds of others, overheard moments of pleasure in my own house more times than I cared to recall, but none of those experiences had prepared me for how amazing it would feel to be joined together like this with Seth. The feeling of his heat moving inside me and pushing against the most sensitive and pleasurable of places, was hurtling me towards ecstasy, and as much as I tried to hold off, to bask in this delicious and overwhelming feeling for as long as I could, I knew I wouldn't last much longer.

It was too much.

He was too much.

In his mind, I could see him almost overcome by the same torturous mix of physical and emotional ecstasy that consumed me. This was more than I had ever thought possible; this beautiful, overwhelming feeling of belonging and rapture. I had never realized how perfect it would feel to be loved by Seth like this.

Too perfect.

I couldn't hold back my release any longer, and I cried out his name as my love for him burned through me; white hot bliss and stars behind my eyes. He thrust into me one more time, and I felt his body tense and shake as he pulsed inside me.

His breath was quick and fast against my skin as he peppered sweet, soft kisses along my shoulder.

"I love you, so much," I whispered, my eyes closed tight as I reveled in the after-glow of our love-making. The words suddenly seemed so inadequate to express what I was feeling. Words I had given him so many times before just didn't seem to cover the awe and wonder that swept over me when I thought about how much he meant to me. How much _this _had meant to me.

He pressed his lips against my back, his hand still tight on my hip, then he sighed and groaned as he pulled away from me. Instantly, I rolled over to gather his still sweaty body in my arms, not wanting to lose contact with him for even a second.

"That was..." I could see in his thoughts an almost embarrassment that it had been over in a matter of moments. I kissed the side of his head, hiding my smile against his temple as he continued, "...perfect."

A moment later, he fell asleep in his arms. I held him all night long, listening with unabashed joy to his sweet contented thoughts as he dreamed of us.

* * *

We'd only been at college for six months when Seth's father passed away.

He'd been sick for a long time, but it still came as a shock. Seth had always thought he would have more time.

We left an hour after his mother called. Seth stared out of the window the whole way as I drove, silent tears spilling down his cheeks, his hand clasped in mine.

Four hours later, we reached the Treaty Line, and I reluctantly pulled the Volvo over to the verge.

"Take the car. I'll run home," I said softly.

"I don't know if I can do this without you," he sobbed as I pulled him into my arms.

I fought back feelings of anger and frustration as I held him close, letting him cry against my shirt as I smoothed his hair and kissed the top of his head. I wanted _so much_ to be there for him, to support him in every way I could; to stand next to him as he buried his father. And yet, I couldn't. Part of me was livid. His people would welcome him home with loving embraces and yet they would also deny him. Deny him, _me. _

Though the pain I was feeling was raw, it was nothing compared to Seth's loss and I pushed my selfish thoughts away. His father's funeral was not the time or place to make a scene, and both of us had to come to terms with the fact I couldn't go on the Reservation.

I cradled his face in my hands, gazing into his tear-filled eyes. "You can do this, Seth. I know you can. Your mother needs you. You need to be strong for her, and for me."

I kissed him, all soft apologies and regretful goodbyes, and handed him the car keys.

"I'll come whenever you need me, OK?"

He nodded as I climbed out of the car. I waited till he disappeared from my sight before I turned and ran home.

My family were pleased to see me, but their thoughts, like mine, were with Seth. I tried not to imagine what he was doing or how he was coping. I tried not to imagine him crying himself to sleep in his empty bed. I walked a fine line between sorrow and desperation, part of me always so close to speeding to where my heart lay cradled in his grieving hands.

He called the second day, and I was out the door and running to him before he'd even hung up his phone. At the same spot where every morning I had picked him up from school, he waited for me, pacing in the damp grass, his eyes on the ground.

"Seth," I breathed, my whole body tense and hurting from his absence. The sight of him, shoulders heavy with the weight of mourning and loss, made my heart clench.

A broken sob filled the air as I appeared beside him, and he fell into my arms.

"I need..." he whispered.

"I know." I pulled his hand and led him into the bush on the side of the highway. "If you phase here, we can be in the Park in under ten minutes."

He nodded, and quickly shed his clothes. I took a step back as I watched the boy I loved disappear, and my wolf emerge. I stroked the soft fur of his head as he pressed his muzzle against my side in a gesture of comfort.

We ran for hours. We ran until there was nowhere left to run to. We ran until exhaustion began to chase him across the forest floor. But for just a few short moments, it helped to ease his pain.

Too soon, I had to leave him at the Treaty Line again. My heart heavy, and my hands empty and aching for him.

The next morning, he buried his father.

I waited for him on the ridge where we'd spent so many afternoons together; where we had kissed for the first time, where he'd carved me the little wooden wolf that I carried with me always, where we'd shared so many memories and moments.

It was almost dusk before he appeared. I held him in my arms as the darkness fell into place around us.

* * *

We returned to Seattle, and soon found ourselves caught up in student life again. Seth, of course, was still grieving. He didn't cry again, but I noticed whenever his thoughts turned to the loss of his father, his need for me would flare. He'd cling to me, beg me never to leave him, sleep with his body wrapped around mine.

He seemed consumed with a constant need to touch me. I never left his side.

Exams loomed ahead of us, and we spent the weekend studying in the campus library. By Sunday afternoon, I could tell Seth was tired and losing concentration.

"Why don't we take a break? Would you like to go outside for awhile?" I asked him.

Every few days we went "outside" so Seth could phase. There were several National Forest Parks within an hour's drive of the city and, although we had to be more careful, there were plenty of isolated areas where he could be a wolf without being seen by hikers and tourists. It had been a couple of days since we'd headed up there, and I could tell from the way he had begun to fidget and run his hand through his hair that he needed to phase; it was almost like watching an addict. The craving to be in, and be a part of, the wilderness was a constant need that flowed in his veins.

He sighed. "Yeah, that would be good. I'll need a coffee before we go."

"Sure," I nodded as I packed up our books.

Half an hour later, I parked the car down the block from his favorite cafe. Coffee of whatever description smelled bitter and caustic to me, but he was adamant this was home to the best espresso in Seattle. Whenever he talked about it, he would get excited and animated. I would always just smile indulgently and drive him across town whenever he needed a caffeine fix.

It was raining hard, and we ran hand in hand through the puddles to reach the safety of _Aro's Cafe._

Nothing would ever be the same again.

* * *

_The night is endless black; there are no stars. The moon has fallen from the sky, and where the sun once blazed there is only the void of an eternity without him._

_The loss of him brings me to my knees, and once there I grovel my way back to God. I pray and beg and make impossible promises, but He's forsaken me too. I have no soul to sell._

_I try to understand, but there is nowhere to lay blame, and the anger festers like a wound against my heart. Rage boils in my veins - I want to break and burn and bleed._

_Hope flickers on a distant horizon; it's all I have to cling to as I drown in my grief._

_The truth is eternal. I can't live without him._

_

* * *

_

**A/N:**

As always, grateful thanks to **Betham **for her wonderful beta and americanizing skills.

This chapter would never have happened without **Naelany **and **Yellowglue**. You two are the best cheerleaders a girl could want. A million thank yous to you both for your help, encouragement and many pre-reads. I love that you both love these two as much as I do. x

farm3(dot)static(dot)flickr(dot)com/2490/3776991412_5fa055a87f(dot)jpg Edward's wolf carving looks something like this, but a bit more rustic and not so perfect.

Musical inspiration/playlist for this chapter: youtube(dot)com/watch?v=zI9GWamslK

_Thank you for reading! Reviews are appreciated._


	3. Kingdoms Afar

_I know original characters aren't to everyone's tastes, but since Seth didn't imprint in the books I've had some free rein here. That being said, let me reassure you - this is, and always will be, a Seth/Edward story. Also, just a reminder that this is an AU story - I've taken some (small) liberties with Quileute/wolfpack canon. _

_Musical inspiration/playlist for this chapter: U2's Unforgettable Fire._

* * *

**Kingdoms Afar**

**

* * *

**

"I think that's the last one," I said as I slid the cardboard box onto the deck of my truck. Sweat was beginning to bead on the back of my neck, my t-shirt wet and sticking to my chest.

I felt Melissa's arms wrap around my waist, a cold beer appearing in front of me like magic. My girl had a knack for knowing exactly what I needed.

"Eww, Seth! You don't smell so good," she laughed as she pulled away from me.

I spun around as I took a long swig from the bottle.

"What do you expect? I've been hard at work all day, baby. Worked up quite a sweat packing up all your girly shit."

"My stuff is not "shit", thank you very much," she said, with her hands on her hips in mock disgust. "And it's not me that insists we own every kitchen appliance known to man."

She was probably right. It had taken me a fucking long time to pack up the contents of our kitchen.

"What can I say? I like to cook, and I like kitchen gadgets. I don't see you complaining when I cook dinner for you every night." I chuckled and then pulled her into a bear hug, deliberately rubbing my sweat-stained shirt against the side of her head. She shrieked, swatting me with her hand, but I just pulled her tighter and left a long, sloppy kiss on her forehead.

She shot me a dirty look, making a show of wiping her head before letting out a dramatic sigh. It soon dissolved into giggles, just as I knew it would. She never seemed to tire of my silly jokes. I winked at her as I drained the rest of the bottle, wishing we didn't have to get on the road straight away.

"I'll go lock up," she said over her shoulder as she headed back up the steps of the apartment building.

It only took a few minutes to pull the cover over the back of the truck and secure the tie-downs. Melissa ran back down the steps just as I finished.

"Ready?" I asked her.

She sighed. "It just feels weird."

"I know." I pulled her into the comfort of my arms. It did feel weird. Seattle had been home for the past six years, and now we were leaving. No more college, no more study, no more exams. The thought that we were now free to do whatever we pleased was both exhilarating and terrifying.

I cradled her face in my hands, gazing into her deep blue eyes as I rubbed my thumb over the little scar on her chin. It never ceased to amaze me to see the love I felt for her reflected back at me.

"It doesn't have to be forever. If you're not happy there, we can move somewhere else, OK?"

I would move to the other side of the globe if that was what she wanted.

I tucked her long hair behind her ear as she nodded, watching her eyes sparkle as she smiled at me. She was so fucking beautiful -even in her oldest t-shirt and jeans with holes in the knees. She could wear an old sack and I would still think she was the loveliest thing I'd ever seen. Sometimes, it seemed like the stars must have taken up home in her eyes they shone so bright, and every time she smiled I was filled with the most overwhelming warmth; like sweetest comfort all wrapped up in perfection. Melissa was perfection...

..and I had the inner monologue of a fifteen-year-old lovestruck girl. It was definitely time to get going.

"I'm just being nostalgic. Let's go already," she said as if reading my mind.

She climbed into the truck, but I caught the wistful glance up at the window on the fourth floor. I could almost see the memories flashing before her eyes.

I could understand why she was hesitant about moving to the Peninsula. We had been happy here; and to an extent, I shared some of her reluctance to leave the apartment where we had created so many special memories together. Unfortunately, the harsh reality was that we needed to find jobs, move on from being penniless students. Real life started today.

As anxious as she might have been about moving away, I also knew there was a huge part of her that couldn't wait for us to start our new life together. It was going to be fucking great to be free from all the pressure of college and just be a normal couple doing normal couple stuff. I never thought I'd actually be excited about the prospect of settling down; but the truth was, I'd be happy doing anything as long as she was by my side.

Unexpectedly, I had been offered work at a small law firm in Forks, where I had volunteered one summer. It wasn't the multimillion-dollar law firm in a city high-rise that I had dreamed about working for when I had first enrolled in law school, but it was a job, and it would pay the bills. I was hoping that, once I got some experience under my belt, I might be able to offer some pro bono work out at La Push. Melissa called it community spirit or some shit like that. I just knew it was something Dad would have wanted me to do.

We were going to live with Mom until we found a place of our own, either in Forks or down at the coast. It wasn't quite what I had thought I would be doing once I finished college, but somehow working in the city no longer held the same appeal for me.

An insistent, nagging feeling deep in my guts had been eating away at me for a couple of years. I'd done my best to push it away, ignore it and just get on with my study, but the longer I'd stayed away, the more it pulled. It _needed _me to go back. When the job offer had come, the decision had been a no-brainer. Melissa wanted to travel, and we needed work and money in order to do that, so back to La Push we were headed.

I sighed, my mind heavy with a strange mix of comfort and trepidation, and started the truck to drive us home.

* * *

"Seth." Sam patted my shoulder and pulled me into a half-hug. I had spent a good portion of my teenage years resenting him, but I had to admit it was good to see him. I hadn't been home for more than a fleeting weekend or two over the past few years, and it was obvious some things had changed while I'd been gone. Sam seemed to have mellowed; the hardness around his eyes was gone, and his smile when he greeted me was warm and genuine.

Sam wasn't the only one who had changed. I kissed Emily on the cheek - well as much as I could reach around her huge belly.

"You guys have been busy, I see," I grinned at her.

She laughed. "Due in six weeks."

It was with a pang of guilt that I realized I hadn't even known she was pregnant.

"You look great," I said, awkwardly.

"Oh, please. I look like a whale!" she laughed. "You and your missus...Melissa?..." I nodded as she hesitated, "...you're not doing the kid thing, yet?"

"Um..No!" I choked out. Jesus, I was only 24. Babies were not something I was planning anytime soon. Even the thought of it...just no. I shook my head - I didn't think I had been gone _that _long. I might have come home a married man, but that didn't mean I was ready to start procreating like Sam obviously had.

She smiled at me as if knowing what I was thinking. "I'll leave you guys to talk. It's been a long time."

I could hear her bustling about in the kitchen, turning the kettle on and banging about in the pantry. It was a comforting sound, reminding me of nights spent at their house with my pack. Something I hadn't realized until now that I had missed.

"It's good to be back," I said quietly.

It _was _good to be home again. It was taking some adjusting to be living out in the quiet of La Push, but I couldn't say I particularly missed the noise and smoke of the city. It was hard to have misgivings about coming back when everything had a soothing familiarity.

Sam turned to me, his expression suddenly serious. "It's good to have you back, Seth."

I got the feeling there was something else he was trying to say. He stared at his feet for a moment, before raising his eyes to mine. He looked almost apologetic.

"The pack is reforming."

That was not what I expected to hear. At all.

"There are leeches in town, again."

* * *

The ground flew by in a dizzying blur of green and brown under my paws. I couldn't hear anything but the blood thundering in my ears, and the roar of the air as it rushed past me.

I hurtled through the forest, enjoying the burn of muscles that hadn't been used in too long. I pushed myself even harder. Faster.

It hurt, but it felt so fucking good.

Adrenaline surged through me, making me feel like I was invincible. I was high, flying through the trees on cloud-fucking-nine.

_Jesus, Seth! How long has it been since you phased?_

_Yeah, man. You're going to do some damage if you keep this pace up. _

Fuck, I couldn't even remember when I had last phased. Two years? Three? It had certainly been a very long time since I'd had to worry about someone being in my head - the sudden intrusion of voices that weren't mine made me feel faint and off-balance for a moment.

I sucked in a deep breath of air through my muzzle, slowing down so the others could catch up with me. I was panting hard, my tongue hanging from my mouth, my fur slick with the rain that had been gently falling since we'd taken off into the woods.

Paul appeared first, his dark silver coat appearing almost black as he emerged from the mist that clung to the trees around us. Sam was close behind him.

_Sorry. It's been awhile. Feels good._

It felt strange to be projecting my thoughts for others to pull from the ether. The lack of privacy was something I'd never really been able to accept, but there was little I could do about it. It was simply part of being in the pack, annoying as it was.

_OK. I think Seth has pushed us far enough for today. Let's circle back around and head home._

Paul and I grunted our agreement and we turned, galloping into the trees again, heading in the direction of the coast.

As we made our way home, I couldn't help but think about how good, _natural _even, it felt to be back in the woods where I had spent so many hours on patrol during my teenage years. The smell of the fir trees in my nostrils, the feel of the damp earth under my paws, the taste of fresh air.

The wolf had been sleeping for too long.

Unbidden, memories of telling Melissa the truth of who I was flashed through my mind. At first she had laughed, convinced I was playing some sort of sick practical joke on her. Shock had given way to disbelief and then, for a moment, she'd been worried I had some sort of mental illness. I hadn't blamed her for thinking of it. Just saying it out loud to someone made me feel like I was talking crazy. In the end, I had offered to show her.

The look of pure terror on her face as she took in my wolf form had haunted me for months. I'd gone behind a tree to change and phase, and when I'd come out she had panicked, scrambling away from me, looking like she was either going to vomit or pass out. I was devastated, and knew I would rather die than see her look at me that way again.

I never, _ever _wanted to see that kind of fear in her eyes, or have her run away from me.

We never spoke of it again.

After that, I had gone up to the National Park on my own. It had been unsettling to make the change and to be so utterly alone. The rest of the pack were too far away; their thoughts silent to me. For the first time, I had found being a wolf a lonely experience. The joy was gone and eventually, my trips got farther apart, till one day I simply realized I no longer felt the craving to phase. Sam told me it was about the same time that the pack disbanded. There was no longer any need for patrols when the C...

_I'm sorry, Seth._

Sam's voice cut through my thoughts, his tone apologetic. I could see he was trying to imagine how much it would hurt him to keep this part of his life from Emily. Even though the scars she bore on her face were a daily reminder of the danger he presented, she had never feared him, and had certainly never rejected this part of him.

_It's fine, Sam. Don't worry about it. _

The fact that the pack was reforming was a complication I hadn't considered when we moved back home. I wasn't sure how I was going to manage my commitments to my pack, while at the same time, ensuring it didn't impact on my relationship with my wife.

_We'll be patrolling every night from now on. You OK with that?_

_Sure,_ I responded automatically. It wasn't like I had a choice, anyway.

* * *

I woke with a start, drenched in a cold sweat that made my skin clammy in the cold night air. Gulping in mouthfuls of air, I could feel my stomach turning with emotions so raw and sharp I couldn't even name them. My mind was spinning, unease settling against my bones.

I slipped out of bed, glancing at my wife's slumbering form, before I padded downstairs. The glass of water did little to calm me, but it gave my shaking hands something to do for a moment.

Before I realized what I was doing, I was out the door, running into the woods behind the house. I phased as I sped into the trees, not caring that I shredded my t-shirt and boxers in the process.

I just needed to run. Hard.

My muscles were already strained from patrolling earlier with Sam and Paul, but I pushed through the pain, letting my wolf form gallop through the woods at full speed.

But no matter how fast or how far I ran, I couldn't escape the honey-colored eyes that had haunted my dream.

_His eyes. _

My other life, the one I never dared think of, threatened to spill out of the corner of my heart, where I had kept it locked away in secret for so long. I couldn't think of _him _now. I had a wife - who I loved more than my own life - sleeping in my bed, blissfully unaware I was out in the wilderness fighting demons I thought long buried.

The guilt made me run even harder, and I filled my head with images of Melissa; on our wedding day in Vegas, both of us wearing jeans and sunglasses and face-splitting grins; her sweet laughter as I told her one of my lame-ass jokes; her beautiful blue eyes gazing at me with adoration as I made love to her. Images and thoughts of love. Of Melissa.

Eventually, exhaustion began to eat away at me and I stopped by a small stream, bending down to lap at the freezing mountain water. I'd been running aimlessly for hours, and it was only after I had finished drinking that I realized where I was.

A few minutes later, I found myself standing on _our _ridge, overlooking the Elwha river. The moon was full and hung low in the sky, casting an eerie silver light over the landscape.

Hesitantly, I paced across the ground, feeling almost like I was an intruder, and that it was wrong for me to be up here. I hadn't intended to come up here, but now that I was standing on the ridge, it was almost as if this was exactly where I was meant to be. It felt strange; everything looked exactly the same, yet it felt like a lifetime ago that I had last stood here gazing out over the valley below me.

Fuck.

I couldn't hold back any longer, and suddenly I was rooting in the dirt, sniffing at the trees, running my muzzle along the upturned log where he had once sat. Frantically, I sucked in the night air, hoping to catch his scent, desperate for something, _anything _that would prove to me that it all hadn't been just a dream. That it had been real. That he was real. That this fucked up feeling in my chest was real.

But there wasn't a trace of him.

Even covering the clearing twice didn't give me anything. He was gone from here. I howled at the sky, letting my frustrations, and whatever the hell else it was that I was feeling, fly into the night air. My call echoed across the valley, the moon cold and uncaring, silently shining back at me.

Defeated and empty, I turned and left, intending to return home. As I ran, Sam's words from earlier in the day echoed over and over in my mind_._

_There are leeches in town, again_.

I had to know. I had to know if he was back. Not that I knew what the fuck I would do if he was, but I couldn't go home without an answer. I had to know.

I took off into the trees, heading for the one place I never thought I would ever see again; the Cullen house.

The scent of every vampire is unique. They all smell sickly sweet, like rotting fruit, but as a wolf I could tell them all apart just from the subtle differences in their smell. I knew that I shouldn't be going there; that I was violating the same agreement that would have me out patrolling every night for the foreseeable future. But it wasn't like I was going to have to get right up to the house or knock on the door at 3am or anything. I'd only have to be in the general vicinity of the house to catch a scent trail in the woods. They wouldn't even find out I had been out here until after I was well gone.

Despite the throbbing in my limbs and the burn of my muscles, I pushed on, driven by something that ached deep inside me. Soon, I was in the woods that bordered Forks, the Cullen house a little over a mile away.

Jesus, I was pathetic. If Sam knew I was out here he'd have my hide, but even knowing that, I couldn't stop. Not even when part of me screamed that I should run back home and forget everything. Desperation urged me on, and I ran deeper into the woods.

I caught the scent trail a few moments later.

It wasn't him.

In fact, it wasn't any of them. A new vampire was living in the Cullen house.

I scouted the area again, checking to be sure I hadn't missed an additional scent, but I was certain there was only one. I had no idea what this meant; only that he hadn't returned.

_He hadn't returned._

I was numb. Exhausted beyond anything I had ever felt before, emotionally shattered, and just...I didn't even really know. Was I relieved? Disappointed? Fucking confused? All of the above?

It was the middle of the night, and I should have been asleep in my bed, _with my wife_, not out in the dark, chasing ghosts. A pang of guilt exploded in my chest and I felt awful - I was betraying Melissa by being out here.

She was my imprint, my love, my wife.

She deserved better than this. I was better than this. Now I had my answer, I needed to turn my back on the past, lock it away again and live in the present. No good would come from living my life with one foot in memories, no matter how strong they pulled at my heart.

Because my heart belonged to Melissa now. And I had left her home alone, in an empty bed.

Disgusted with myself, and sighing at my own stupidity, I turned and headed home.

* * *

"Isn't he adorable?" Melissa asked me as she gazed at the baby in her arms.

"Yeah, sure," I said. If you could call small, red and wrinkled...adorable. Personally, I didn't see what got everyone sighing, and using words like 'cute' and 'precious'. Babies were kind of squishy and ugly-looking, if you asked me. But, it was kind of nice to see Sam and Emily looking so happy.

"I think we're going to call him, Sam Jr." Emily said with a smile.

"Nice," I said, shooting a smirk at Sam. It came as no surprise to me that Sam was going to name his kid after himself.

"Do you want to put him down for me?" Emily asked Melissa. She grinned in response. "I'd love to!"

I smiled as I watched them go off to put the baby to bed. I was pretty sure it didn't take two adults to put one baby in a crib, but it was nice to see the two of them getting on so well. Em had been a good friend to Melissa over the past few weeks.

More than just taking an interest in the new girl in town, she had really helped Melissa come to terms with what it meant to be living here, what it meant to live with someone who phased into a wolf every night. We still didn't really talk about it, but there was a new kind of quiet acceptance now, and for that I would be eternally grateful for Em's calm and patient influence.

"Melissa's got that look, you know."

Sam's voice pulled me from my thoughts.

"What look?"

"The 'baby look', Seth." He said each word slowly, like I was stupid or something.

"Nah, man." I shook my head. Having a kid was something for later. Much later. Like when I was thirty or something.

The bastard just laughed at me. I was going to tell him where to go, but the girls came back down the hall, so I just glared at him instead.

Later that night, Melissa and I were in bed reading. Well, she was reading some book, and I had my laptop open trying to finish up a contract for work, but I can't say I was that interested. She was wearing that satin pajama set that she knew drove me crazy, and I couldn't stop wondering if she'd worn it on purpose just to tease me. My mind began to imagine peeling it off her, and other parts of me stood to attention after deciding that would be a fine idea, thank you very much.

A moment later, I was scooting up next to her, kissing along her neck, pushing my hands under the smooth fabric to find her soft skin. She felt like heaven under my fingertips as I traced familiar pathways over her sweet curves. So warm and perfect, and I could never get enough of her.

She moaned as my hands found their way into her boxers, her book falling to the floor. God, she was always so responsive. I could feel her hot and wet already, and I'd barely even touched her.

"You're so fucking sexy," I whispered against her mouth as I kissed her.

She loved when I said shit like that, and I grinned to myself as I heard her breath hitch. Her fingers dug into my back, and I started to rub her clit just the way I knew she liked. The sound of her little moans and the flush of pink across her cheeks...fuck, I wanted her so much. I ignored the throbbing between my legs, moving my thumb faster against her, wanting her melting underneath me, breathing my name as she came on my hand. Because that shit was beautiful, and there was nothing else that got me going like seeing her in the throes of ecstasy.

"I want to go off the pill," she said suddenly.

My head snapped up. "What?"

"I want us to have a family, Seth."

Fuck it! Sam had been right all along. Bastard. I pulled my hand out of her shorts, and flopped back on my own side of the bed, my dick deciding this conversation was the mental equivalent of freezing water.

I sighed. I would do _anything _to make her happy, but this? I wasn't ready for kids. Not yet.

"I'm only 24, babe. We've got plenty of time," I said softly, trying to make it sound like I wasn't saying no.

"You might be 24, but I'm 28, remember? 30 is just around the corner for me."

Sometimes, I forgot she was older than me. The age thing was all sorts of fucked up anyway, what with me phasing again. Physically, I probably looked about my age, but the longer the pack patrolled, the more obvious it was going to become that none of us were aging. It wasn't like there was any kind of precedent for this, and none of us were really sure what the hell we were going to do. Sam had a theory about a next generation and how eventually we would be able to stop phasing and our bodies would 'catch up' with our actual age , but it was just that; a theory. I think he was just hoping we wouldn't need to patrol for that long, and I was just trying not to think about it at all.

"I'm not ready, baby. Not now, anyway."

She sat on the bed, her legs pulled up tight to her chest, her eyes downcast. Fuck it. I couldn't bear the thought of refusing her anything, and it made my heart ache to see her looking so disappointed.

"I'm not saying 'no, not ever' - just... let's wait a bit, OK?" I said, hoping my compromise would be enough. "I mean, you want to travel, don't you? See the world and all that?"

"Not so much, anymore. Holding Emily's baby in my arms today just felt so right, Seth. I know this is what I want. I want us to have a baby." Her eyes looked wet at the corners, and I hated that I was making her upset.

"Look," I said softly, "we've only just settled here. Now that Mom has moved out we can renovate the garage and set it up as a studio. You can finally have your own space to work...I know how much you want to start painting again."

She smiled. It was weak, but at least she didn't look like she was on the verge of tears anymore.

"Maybe you can even get some pieces together and do that exhibition you were talking about last week. Let's just wait for a couple of years...OK?" I pleaded with her.

"OK. I can wait a couple of years, I guess."

I pulled her into my arms, trying not to wonder if a couple of years would be enough. The truth was, I wasn't sure I would ever want kids. If Sam's 'next generation' theory was right, then it was possible my own children would be able to phase, and I wasn't sure I wanted to pass on this kind of life to them. Sure, being a wolf was pretty fucking awesome at times. I mean, who hasn't wished they could run as fast as a car, or entertained dreams about superhuman strength and being almost invincible. But it also came at a price. There had been plenty of times I had hated what I was, wishing I was normal and not some sort of goddamn freak. Nights are meant for sleeping, not patrolling for vampires in the dark of the forest. That kind of shit belonged in fairy tales, not real life. I couldn't even begin to imagine telling my kid what was in store for them.

I kissed the top of Melissa's head. Her hair was shiny and sleek under my lips, the smell of her, all vanilla and spice, easing the discomfort in my mind.

Tomorrow, I'd make a start on her studio.

* * *

"Jesus!" I cursed as I pulled up the garage door. I hadn't realized my father had been such a hoarder. The garage was full, almost to the roof, with...crap. I could see parts of engines, sheets of roofing iron, boxes full of God only knew what, tools, half a motorcycle and various other piles of stuff Dad had kept 'just in case'.

Luckily, Mom had insisted I get a trailer before I started, and now I could see why. It was going to take the better part of the day to get the garage emptied, and from what I could tell there'd be at least two loads to the dump, and maybe another one to the scrap metal yard.

I groaned and got to work. As much of a shit job as this was going to be, I knew Melissa couldn't wait until she could get her space set up. Mom had surprised us both by offering us the house. She said the diner was doing pretty well; she'd recently leased the shop next door and set it up as an Internet cafe. It was pretty amusing that my Mom, who barely knew how to turn on a computer, was now managing the busiest tourist stop in La Push. Apparently, coffee plus Internet was the secret to business success, and she was doing well enough that she had bought herself a cottage out by the beach.

At first, I was so shocked I didn't really know what to say, but Mom was pretty adamant it was time for her to move out of the house she'd shared with Dad for thirty-odd years. She said it didn't feel the same now he was gone, and the house was ours for as long as we wanted it. We didn't have to pay the mortgage since Dad's insurance had taken care of that, and we could finally begin to save for a place of our own.

I threw an armful of rusty pipes onto the trailer. What the hell did Dad think he was going to do with those?

The trailer was almost full, and I went back into the garage to find another armload of rusted stuff for the dump.

"Seth? Are you in there?" I could hear Melissa chuckling under her breath.

I wiped my brow, no doubt streaking my face with oil and dirt, and made my way out of the towering piles of rubbish to see her.

"Getting there?" she asked, trying to hide her smile.

"Not really." I grumped. "You coming to help?"

"Actually, your Mom offered to take me to Port Angeles to do some shopping. Do you mind?"

"Course not. You go. Have fun. Just think of me slaving here at home...all on my own." I knew she could tell I was joking. I didn't really want her help, anyway. It wasn't exactly fun, but there was something personal about going through Dad's things, and I was happy to do it on my own.

"I'll bring you back some cold beer." She laughed, and headed back inside the house.

Four hours and several full trailer-loads later, the garage was almost done. We would still need to waterblast the floor and put in some more lighting, but it was looking much closer to being a studio than when I had opened the door that morning. Tomorrow, I would go and see how much it would cost to replace the tilt door with windows and a sliding door.

There was an old cupboard at the back, and I opened it gingerly, hoping that more crap wasn't going to fall down on me, but the only thing inside was a familiar-looking box. I laughed as I pulled out a bottle of moonshine.

I'd only been dumb enough to drink the stuff once, and after a hang-over from hell, I'd never stolen it again. I could only imagine how much more potent it would be now after sitting here for so long.

Carefully, I unscrewed the cap and took a tentative sniff. It damn near burnt off all my nose-hair, the gasoline-like smell floating in the air like a fog. Immediately, I was transported back to a bonfire on a beach. I could almost hear the sound of the waves crashing on the shore, feel the cold sand between my toes, the flames flickering in the distance. Fuck, I'd been so drunk that night. If it hadn't been for...

I clenched my eyes shut.

Coming back here had been a mistake.

He was _everyfuckingwhere_.

I couldn't escape him. No matter how much I tried. And I tried. God, I tried.

Anger swept through my veins, and without thinking I took a swig from the bottle, swallowing back a mouthful of the honey-colored alcohol. It scorched my throat, making me cough and gag, and I had to lean against the wall as I caught my breath.

Just the taste of it made the memories hit me like a freight train, and I dropped to the floor. The oil-stained concrete was cold and scraped against my knees, but I barely felt it. Images of him filled my head; flashes of a love so deep, a loss so fucking wide, it made every single part of me ache to think of him.

This, right here, was why I didn't think of him. Ever. Why I hadn't said his name in five years. Why I locked it all away.

Because I couldn't live my life, I couldn't be the man my wife had married, I couldn't be _anything_, if I let myself remember.

I threw the bottle back again and again, trying desperately to drown the memories out. I felt sick, the alcohol and despair rolling in my guts, but I knew eventually it would make me numb.

Numb would be good. Numb would make the ache and the guilt and the fucking memories go away. I didn't want to remember. I didn't want to feel like _this. _

The bottle sloshed as it hit my mouth, amber liquor falling to the floor like drops of blood. I grimaced as another mouthful hit my already churning stomach. Somehow, I was aware that this wasn't a good idea, but I couldn't stop. It hurt too much to stop.

I wrenched open the cupboard door again, grabbing the other two bottles to my chest. Storming out of the garage, I headed to the backyard, the ground swaying under my feet as I stumbled down the path. There was a huge tree in the middle of the lawn, where Leah and I used to have a swing when we were kids, and I stood under it, feeling the tears sliding down my cheeks.

With my free hand, I lifted the open bottle again, welcoming the burn, hoping the numbness was only one more mouthful away. I staggered as I put it on the ground, the afternoon sunlight refracting off the bottle and making patterns of light on the grass.

_Edward_.

A sob erupted from my chest as I threw one of the full bottles. It hit the tree with a resounding crack, splintered glass flying in all directions, alcohol soaking into the bark of the tree.

_Cullen._

The next one followed. The sound of it smashing into a million pieces made me laugh, even as a piece of glass embedded itself in my foot.

I fell to the grass, knocking over the bottle I had been drinking from. Moonshine trickled out onto the grass. The last thought through my head before I passed out was that it was the same golden color as his eyes.

* * *

"Happy Anniversary, baby." I handed over the envelope, leaning over to leave a quick kiss on her lips.

"What's this?" She eyed it suspiciously.

"Open it and see!" I laughed.

She pulled the tickets from the envelope, scanning them quickly before letting out a squeal and launching herself into my arms.

"I take it you like your gift, then?" I laughed as she peppered kisses over every inch of my face.

"Yes!" she breathed in my ear, wrapping her arms around my neck so tight she was going to cut off my air supply.

She knew me well enough not to expect roses and candles - hiding the tickets from her for over a month and not just giving them to her on the spot was about as romantic as I got. She wasn't that type of girly-girl anyway. I mean, if she was, she wouldn't have married me in Vegas wearing her jeans and flip-flops.

"Vegas? Really?"

"I know it's not London or Rome or whatever, but I thought we could go back, celebrate our anniversary, stay in the same hotel as last time?"

"It's perfect, Seth. Thank you." Melissa said softly.

It was hard to believe we'd been married seven years. People had been so fucking condescending when we'd got hitched while holidaying on spring break. Everyone assumed Melissa was knocked up, or that we'd been wasted, or that it was all just a joke. Sure, we were young, but it didn't matter.

I couldn't explain it even if I wanted to try. She was the center of my universe.

"I got you something, too!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah?"

"Wait here." She ran out to her studio. She always hid her presents for me out there, knowing it was the one place she wouldn't have to worry about me finding anything. It was her space, and I only went out there when she invited me to. Mostly, I just left her alone to work, her creative chaos of color and charcoal was a foreign language that I didn't understand.

A few minutes later she returned, holding a canvas in her hands. She held it out to me, biting her lip anxiously.

It was a painting.

Of me.

Part wolf and part man. Ruby red and midnight black. It was violent - color slashed across the canvas like bleeding wounds **-** and yet, she'd captured a vulnerability; the human as well as the beast. It was almost abstract, most people wouldn't even know what they were looking at, and I loved it all the more for the fact that its significance was something only the two of us would understand.

It was stunning.

"Is this how you see me?" I could hear the awe in my voice. What she had painted was powerful, strong; certainly not how I saw myself.

"Sometimes, it seems like you're stuck between two worlds, one foot in each," she said hesitantly.

Over the past few years, she'd come to accept the part of me that she would never fully understand. The painting captured exactly how I felt - caught between two realities, the collision between the two was not always smooth sailing.

"I love it. Thank you." Carefully, I set the painting down on the counter. "Are you going to let me hang it up?"

"Maybe..." she said with a coy smile. She was so depreciating of her own work, it astounded me. Her work was good; really good. She had pieces in galleries all over Washington State, and even had her own website now. Hers was the name that people were watching in art circles, but still, she never let me hang any of her work in our home.

I smirked at her. I had every intention of making sure my painting went up on the wall tomorrow. First things first, though. I scooped her up in my arms, ignoring her shrieks and half-hearted attempts to get down, and took her to our bed, intent on making sure she realized just how much I loved her.

* * *

"Leah!"

She heard my voice, a wide smile breaking out across her face as she spotted me in the crowded arrivals lounge. I pulled her into a hug as she reached me, her familiar smell flooding my mind with childhood memories.

"It's good to see you, little brother."

"You, too." I said, choking on my own voice. I grabbed her arm, pulling her in the direction of the baggage claim. I was pretty sure I wasn't going to actually cry, but if I was, I didn't want half of Port Angeles airport getting a look at me.

I hadn't seen Leah in close to nine years. My big sister, the inseparable playmate and insufferable tormentor of my youth, had left home just after I had. First it was volunteering in India, then raving in London, working on a vineyard in France, God only knows what the hell she had been doing the past few years. Her emails were always light on the details - the most I could expect was an update a couple of times a year, and a phone call on Christmas Day.

Dad's funeral had been the last time she'd been back. I think she'd stayed a few months, for Mom's sake, before taking off again.

"You home for good?" I stole a glance at her as we walked back to my truck, her suitcases piled high on the trolley in front of me.

"Dunno. We'll see."

"Sam?" I knew the _real _reason she'd left the Peninsula was to escape Sam and Emily. Having her fiancee imprint on someone else just about broke her. I could still remember her sobbing in my arms as she explained to me what had happened, the nights spent listening to her cry herself to sleep in the room next to mine, the light that left her eyes the day Sam's world stopped revolving around her. I didn't blame her for leaving. Coming back was sure to be tough.

She laughed. "I think I'm pretty much over that now, Seth."

"If you say so," I said, like I believed her. Even though I wasn't really sure I did.

In any case, we had plenty of other things to talk about as we drove home. Like the fact she hadn't phased since she'd been gone.

"Do you think I still could?" she asked me.

"Probably. I went three years without phasing, so did the others when..." I swallowed, glancing over at her quickly, before gluing my eyes back to the road, "...the Cullens moved away."

"But you said the pack has reformed, right? Did they come back?"

"No."

_No, they hadn't come back. Not once._

"Then, why?"

"There's a chick vampire living in their house - Tanya. She's a friend of theirs or something. From Alaska."

"You've _met _her?" Leah said incredulously.

"Once."

I could see in my peripheral vision that she was staring at me, giving me _that _look.

"I went up there once...to see if..." I couldn't understand why I was struggling to get the words out. "...to see if they'd come back. I got too close, she picked up my scent the next day and made contact with Sam."

"And..." Leah's jaw was hanging open so far it was practically touching her lap.

"And she was nice, actually. I apologized. She said it was fine, but could we please keep our patrols to the areas agreed to in the Treaty." I left out the bit where Sam had given me the silent treatment for a week afterwards. Ripping shreds off me would have been preferable.

"Tanya's no threat to us, Leah. Sam's just got the alpha mentality thing going on and makes us patrol every night, even though she's never once crossed the Treaty Line or done anything to expose herself."

It was a total waste of time if you asked me, but Mr Boss-Man wasn't to be argued with, so every few nights it would be my turn to patrol, spending the time I should have been sleeping, running through the forest as a wolf instead. At least he'd finally conceded and let us patrol on our own.

"So...you want to come out with me tonight, or what?"

"Sure," she grinned.

* * *

Leah hadn't found the change easy, and it had taken close to an hour before she'd managed to phase into the small grey wolf that was her long forgotten alter-ego.

_I'd forgotten how awesome this is!_

She sprinted across the forest, disappearing into the darkness. I chased after her, following her scent as she galloped through the trees.

After a couple of hours, we rested under a huge fir tree, lying down on the damp leaves that covered the ground. It reminded me of when we had patrolled together years earlier. We always took a break, finding it easy to be in each other's head and to "talk" that way.

I had missed this; missed her.

_Melissa seems nice._

Even though they had only met for the first time earlier in the day, they had seemed to get on well. I hadn't actually met anyone yet that didn't seem to instantly like Melissa; she was just that kind of person. Her warm infectious smile instantly put people at ease, and she never had any trouble making new friends.

_You really love her, don't you?_  
_  
Of course I do. She's my wife._

_And your imprint._

_What the fuck is that supposed to mean?_ I prickled as I caught the almost accusatory tone of her thoughts. Christ, she was almost making it sound like imprinting was a crime or something.

_Do you ever see him?_

_Leah... _I growled at her in warning, the sound rumbling in my chest and making the hairs of my coat stand on end.

_Calm down. I was just curious, you know._

I sucked in a deep breath of the cold night air, trying to get myself under control again.

_I haven't seen him since... _I wasn't going to think of that day. Not even for my sister, and I carefully made my mind blank.  
_  
Do you ever think of him?_

_Jesus, Leah! What the fuck? If I'd known you were going to play Twenty Questions I would have left you at home. I don't want to talk about it, OK?_

_Don't want to talk about _him_, you mean._

That was it. I rose to my feet with a snarl, my paws feeling oddly heavy as I paced back and forth in front of her.

She was right - I didn't want to talk about him. Ever. Moving back here had been hard at first - he'd been everywhere, haunting me even as I tried my hardest to forget. After my moonshine 'accident', I thought those ghosts had been well and truly laid to rest; memories drowned in the bottom of the bottle. I'd done a pretty good job at moving on and getting on with my life since then. I mean, it wasn't like I was even having dreams about him anymore.

_Sleeping pills?_

I knew she'd already seen my thoughts, so there was no point denying that I had finally found deep, dreamless sleep courtesy of a small white pill.

_I get it, you know. _

What the hell was that in her tone? Pity?

_There's nothing to get, Leah. That part of my life is over._

_If you say so. _

She threw my own words back at me.

Fuck it. I was not going to have this conversation with her. Not now. Sure, I had missed her, but I was also beginning to remember Leah could be a royal pain in the ass when she wanted to be. I got the feeling she wasn't going to let this drop anytime soon, and I bared my teeth at her, growling as I ran in the direction of home.

Leah could find her own way back.

The house was silent and pitch-black when I finally made it home. I slipped inside, not bothering to grab the clothes I'd left on the porch, and made my way upstairs.

I pushed open the bedroom door, smiling as the sounds of Melissa sleeping drifted to me across the room. I crossed the floor quietly, even though I knew that my girl could sleep through anything. I wondered if she'd always been a heavy sleeper, or if it was just years of living in an apartment block full of other students that had given her the ability to sleep through pretty much everything, short of the house falling down around her.

Easing back the covers, I carefully slid into bed, sighing as I connected with the warmth of her body. She had her back to me, and I nestled against her, wrapping my arms around her slim waist. Instantly, I felt myself relax, my breathing falling into rhythm with the rise and fall of her chest.

This was where I belonged.

Leah had it all fucking wrong. I didn't love my wife _because _of the imprint, I loved her _in spite of _it. Melissa meant everything to me, and I'd be damned if my harpy of a sister was going to plant seeds of doubt in my mind by bringing up my past. I had been completely fucking serious when I'd said that part of my life was over. The memories were just that now - memories.

Melissa was my life now.

I pressed my lips to her shoulder, breathing in the smell of her, all vanilla-spice that was hot under my mouth. If there'd been any lingering doubt in my mind, it evaporated the second I kissed her skin. Soft and forgiving, just the lightest touch soothed the anxiousness that had been eating away at my guts since I'd left Leah in the forest.

Shuffling closer, I molded myself to her shape, pushing her long black hair over her shoulder so I could run my fingers along the warm skin of her neck, watching her pulse push against the surface, imagining her heart calling out my name.

My heart had been hers since the day we met.

I felt her stirring, her fingers intertwining with mine and pulling me closer. She murmured something unintelligible, and then immediately fell back asleep. I followed soon after, sleep coming easy as I wrapped myself in the comfort and safety of her arms, my love for her keeping the dreams at bay.

* * *

It's funny how time has a way of speeding by. One minute your day at the office is dragging on, and in the next, you suddenly realize a month has passed, a year. Three, even.

That's how it was for us.

Life was good.

I'd been worried that working for a small family law firm in little old Forks wouldn't be the challenge I had been hoping for, but I couldn't have been more wrong. We were busy, and the work was interesting. Demetri, my boss, was creeping towards 65 and had started to hand over more and more of the work to me. I knew he was thinking about retiring in a few years. He was planning on heading back to Greece, and had started to hint that maybe I'd want to take over from him one day. I had to admit that _Clearwater and Associates_ did have a certain ring to it. Most of the work that came our way was day to day conveyancing, but we also had someone who specialized in family law. No two days were ever the same.

Lately, most of my time was spent working on an intellectual property rights case on behalf of the Quileute people. One day a week I based myself down at La Push, talking to the tribe's elders and researching tribal history, and helping out anyone on the Reservation who needed help, but couldn't afford it. Those were the days I enjoyed most, and it wasn't just because I got to have lunch at the cafe with Melissa.

A year ago, Melissa and Mom had officially gone into business together. Cafe plus Internet now included an upmarket gift store and gallery where Melissa showcased local artists. She had also started running an art school for adults, one night a week, in partnership with the local high school. Somehow, between teaching and running her gallery, she still managed to find time to paint, and her work was still as in demand as ever. Her energy and enthusiasm were amazing, and sometimes I wondered how she managed to fit everything in. But she was happy.

Except for one thing.

It was her birthday next week. Thirty-four. That didn't even seem that old to me, but according to her, the world was practically coming to an end. All I'd heard for the last few months was her worrying about imaginary wrinkles and how she didn't want a party to celebrate her getting 'old'. Part of me thought she was being ridiculous, albeit adorably so, but I was also aware that her biological clock wasn't getting any quieter.

She didn't know I was going to give her the best birthday present I could think of. I'd intended to wait until her big day, but as I thought about it some more, it seemed silly to wait.

We were watching some mindless late night television - it was as good a time as ever, right?

"I think we should start trying for a baby." I blurted out. Suddenly, I wondered if there was a right way to go about this and I was meant to be on bended knee. Maybe I should have got some flowers, or some shit like that.

"Really?" The look on her face was priceless. I wished I could have taken a photo, kept that look of joy in my back pocket to carry with me every day. Pure fucking happiness, right there.

"Really," I grinned at her.

She started crying. I knew they were happy tears, but still. I fucking hated seeing her upset.

"Are you sure?" she whispered, "I don't want you to feel pressured, or to just agree because you want to make me happy..."

Of course, I wanted to make her happy - if she wasn't, then neither was I. But that wasn't why - I'd been thinking on it a lot lately and all I could come up with was that it just seemed like the right time now. Like I said, life was good.

When we were younger, we had all these crazy plans to travel the world, backpack through Europe, climb in the Himalayas, cycle through South America. None of that really appealed anymore. Over the past few years, we'd had a couple of trips abroad - it was fun to go, have a look around, snap some tourist photos, but we were always happiest at home.

Now, we just aimed to do a big trip every few years. Next time, we were planning on catching up with that sister of mine, in whatever country she was currently in. She hadn't stayed long the last time she'd been home. She said that she just had the wandering bug and, although it had been good to come home for awhile, she wasn't ready to settle down. I knew she was lying and the real reason she stayed away was because of Sam - I'd seen the pain on her face when she'd been around him. I worried about her and hoped she'd find happiness some day, even if that meant she'd never come back home to us.

The home where someday, hopefully soon, we would hear the sounds of little feet running down the hallway and laughter in the backyard. I was already thinking about putting a swing back in the big tree, just like the one that had been there when Leah and I were kids.

Melissa wiped her eyes and wrapped her arms around me. "I love you."

I knew she wasn't just saying that because I'd finally agreed to start a family. I could hear in her voice the weight of her words and that she truly meant it with every bone in her body. Just like the way I loved her.

Having a kid of our own just made perfect sense to me now, and if I was honest there was even a part of me that wished that I'd agreed to it earlier.

Sam could still be a dick sometimes, but there was no denying he was an awesome Dad. He and Emily had two kids now, and another on the way. I wasn't sure I wanted ours as close together as that, but I definitely wanted a couple of kids. Maybe three. I think Sam was hoping for at least six - I was pretty sure he just wanted his own little tribe to boss around.

I would go to see him in the morning and tell him I wanted out of the pack again. The thought of not phasing, and turning my back on that part of my life, made my stomach clench, but I had to remember that I'd done it before. Before we moved back, I hadn't phased for a couple of years. Sure, it would be tough at first, but it was the right thing to do. It wasn't like there was much point anyway. One lone vampire who never strayed far from home hardly constituted the need for a full pack of wolves. I was pretty sure the boys would manage without me.

I needed to stop soon, anyway. I knew part of Melissa's hang up about her age was simply because I didn't look much older than twenty. Blaming my youthful looks on lucky genetics was only going to work for so much longer. Once I stopped phasing my body would eventually 'catch up' with my biological age, and maybe then Melissa wouldn't be the only one nervously checking in the mirror for grey hairs.

I smiled as I imagined us growing old together, maybe even with grandkids of our own. Grey haired and hard of hearing, on rocking chairs on the back porch. Growing old didn't seem so bad if I got to do it with Melissa.

Jesus, I was a sentimental sap, sometimes. Hazard of being in love with my wife, I supposed.

Snapping myself out of it, I pulled her to her feet. There were some definite benefits of this baby business, and I was going to make the most of the opportunity. "Want to come practice making babies with me?"

* * *

I grabbed the FedEx parcel from off the counter where Melissa had left it for me, ripping into it like a little kid at Christmas. I'd been eyeing up these new chef's knives for ages, and last week I caved and ordered them. I pulled one out, running my finger along the blade, and because I'm an idiot, I managed to nick my finger. A drop of blood welled on the pad of my finger, but I ignored it, too caught up in admiring my new wicked-sharp knives.

Stirfry for dinner - maximum chopping required.

I pulled everything out of the fridge, laying the vegetables out on the chopping board - not the onion though; that got chopped on its own special odor-free glass board. I sighed as my new super-sharp knife slid through everything like butter. Melissa was going to give me shit about yet another kitchen-related purchase, but I didn't care. These knives were awesome.

Ten minutes later, I had a colorful pile of vegetables heaped on the counter and oil heating in the pan, and I started to throw everything in. Stirring it absentmindedly, I wondered if we had any sparkling water or something to drink with it. A nice white wine would have been my first pick, but Melissa wasn't drinking alcohol anymore, now we were officially "trying to conceive" - or getting it on at every opportunity, as I preferred to think of it.

I could see the lights in her studio were on, and when everything was cooked I set the table and wandered out to get her. She never came in on her own, always too wrapped up in her art to take notice of the time; she just waited till I called in her for dinner.

Winter was just about upon us, and it was already getting dark. I hoped she had her heater on out there, because it wasn't exactly warm out there at this time of night.

I pulled open the sliding door, poking in my head to call out to her.

"Honey? Dinner's ready."

She didn't answer, which wasn't unusual; sometimes she just got so absorbed in the process she wouldn't respond until I yelled, or actually went in there and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Melissa?" I nudged the door open some more. It wasn't warm in there at all. Puzzled, I walked in. Normally, she'd be at her easel to the left of the door, where the light was best. But she wasn't there.

My heart stopped beating the second I saw her lying on the floor.

All I could see was red; everywhere around her, on her, on the floor. She was red. So much red.

I ran to her side, the few feet between us feeling like a mile, my legs moving, but I couldn't feel the floor under me.

Frantically, I called her name, my voice echoing in the cold air. My hands were on her shoulders, shaking, begging. There was wet on my face even as I somehow registered it was paint on her.

She was lying in paint; red, red paint.

My fingers, slick with fear, punched keys on my mobile phone. I don't remember what I said, only that I needed them to hurry.

_Please, please hurry._

I pulled her into my arms, cradling her to my chest. Her eyes were closed, like she was sleeping.

But she wouldn't wake up.

There was a line of scarlet coming from her nose. It wasn't paint.

_Please be OK._

_I'm so fucking scared._

_

* * *

_

They took her to Seattle in a helicopter.

There were doctors in white coats who poked and prodded, and searched for answers in the bottom of test-tubes. Rooms that smelled of bleach, and tasteless food from vending machines. Words I didn't want to understand, and nurses who wouldn't let her fucking sleep in peace.

She didn't look like her anymore. Her skin was sallow and paper thin, arms purple and bruised where needles stabbed and drained. Bags under her eyes where the stars didn't shine anymore. The pain made her cry and the morphine made her throw up. She was trapped in an endless cycle of trying things that didn't work, that didn't fix or cure, or make her who she used to be.

Visitors came and went, a nameless, faceless blur of pity, and apologies for something they didn't cause, or understand.

There was nothing to understand.

I made my home on the faded blue armchair beside her bed, hoping desperately I would wake up from this nightmare. I told her stories of all the things we would do when she was better; the places we would see, the names we could call our kids. All I could talk about was the future that was waiting for us.

I told she had to get better because I couldn't live without her.

I begged and pleaded, but in the end it wasn't enough.

Palliative care, they said.

Sam came and picked us up. My Mom stayed home, cooking and cleaning and filling vases with flowers. She moved our bed into the lounge so we wouldn't have to go upstairs. The hospital gave us drugs, the number of a home-care nurse, and more empty apologies.

But nothing was going to put the stars back in her eyes again.

* * *

While she could still sit up, I drove her to the beach.

I carried her from the car to the dunes above the tide mark.

I wrapped her in hand**-**knit blankets and sat behind her so she wouldn't see my tears.

With my arms around her and my lips on her neck, we watched our last sunset together.

* * *

_Earth to earth;_

_I love you..._

_Ashes to ashes; _

_Please don't leave me..._

_Dust to dust;_

_I'm lost without you..._

_

* * *

.  
_

**.**

**A/N:**

I found this chapter...difficult. I hope I managed to get the balance right. Next chapter will be EPOV, same time period.

I couldn't do this without my lovely pre-readers **Yellowglue **and **Naelany. **Their support and encouraging comments keep me going. And **Betham **- my beautiful beta-extraordinaire.

_Thank you for reading! Reviews are appreciated._


	4. Fortress in the Storm

_I'm incredibly grateful for all the wonderful support this story has received. Thank you! Please take a moment to check out the gorgeous banner that the very talented Ms. Ambrosia made for me - link on my profile._

_This chapter follows on directly after Ch2. You might need your tissues._

_Musical inspiration/playlist for this chapter: _ _Melissa Etheridge - Don't You Need._

_

* * *

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**Fortress in the Storm**

**

* * *

**

I fled.

It was all I could do.

A blur of white lines on the dark bitumen. Dark shadows against the fiery glow of the setting sun. My mind carefully empty.

The normally short drive back to Forks felt like an eternity.

I pulled up in front of the house with an overwhelming sense of dread. The mask I had been wearing for the past few hours was beginning to crack, fissures spreading across my calm facade. I'd forced myself to hold everything together long enough to get me home, but now I was here, I wasn't sure I could stop myself from falling to pieces.

How was I going to explain this, when I couldn't even understand it myself?

_I would have to say it out loud._

My fingers flexed instinctively, the metal and plastic of the steering wheel twisting under the force of my grip.

I couldn't do this.

For a moment, I thought about turning the car around and driving away again. With no destination in mind, I could drive for days, weeks even. Hide away on empty highways. Be a coward and just run away from..._everything_.

My eyes flicked to the too-empty seat beside me.

The intimate confines of the car began to close in on me, and the longer I sat and agonized over what to do, the harder it was to keep everything together. The tightness in my chest began to bear down on me, and I knew it was only a matter of time before the pain began to leak out. I could almost feel the space inside the car disappearing as every second of indecision passed, and eventually I couldn't stand the suffocating sense of anticipation any longer.

I jumped out of the car, panting heavily, hoping I had the strength to face my family. There was no luggage, no belongings to bring inside with me - it was all just 'stuff' and none if it mattered. I'd left it all behind.

I could smell and hear my family inside, waiting for me in the living room. Their thoughts hung heavy in the air; worry, confusion, maternal concern, overtones of Jasper trying to keep the atmosphere neutral and calm while they waited for me.

And then, inexplicably, a stray thought that stopped me in my tracks.

Pity.

_Alice_.

I growled. Low and deep and broken.

_She knew. _

All this time, and she'd known all along it would _end _like this!

I had her pinned up against the wall before they even realized I had flown into the room.

"Did you _fucking know_?" I snarled at her, pushing my hands into her narrow shoulders as I towered over her.

"You know... I can't..." she started to whisper. Her golden eyes were wide with fear, but she couldn't look me in the eye, staring at the ground instead.

"Did you _know_?" I yelled. She winced as my hand moved to cup her jaw, pulling it up so she had to face me.

Quickly, she pushed her thoughts to me. In erratic and frightened flashes, I saw that she was telling the truth - my future had returned to her sight only as I had driven back to Forks. Alone.

I saw myself at the wheel; face etched with something bleak and nameless. Alice falling to the floor, gasping as she told Carlisle that something was wrong, that I was coming home. All she knew was that something _bad _had happened.

Then more.

Me. Curled in a ball in a dark corner. Eyes the color of coal and despair. My room destroyed - my bed a pile of splinters, shredded bed linens on the floor.

More of my future. Empty, dark flashes of a life that I would be facing. Alone.

I clenched my eyes shut. "Make it stop!" I hissed.

"Take your hands off my wife. Now." Jasper's southern accent cut through the haze of Alice's visions, and I turned my head to him. His words were slow and measured, but I could hear the menace in his voice.

His eyes glinted with murderous rage, his body almost vibrating as he glared threateningly at me.

"Now, Edward!"

I could feel the anger rolling off him, and it only served to fuel my own rage as I turned on him, releasing Alice so abruptly she stumbled against the wall.

Jasper's eyes flicked to Alice as she backed away from me, then he returned his steely gaze to me, a low growl rising in his throat as he flexed his fingers. His thoughts were hazy with rage, but his intent was clear.

Memories of his time as a soldier in the vampire wars flashed through his mind. Gruesome memories; the reek of death, sharp teeth slicing through flesh, purple smoke from death pyres spiraling into the sky. Dark, desperate thoughts flooded my mind, and I considered goading him further, pushing him beyond the limits of his already paper-thin restraint, making the soldier in him finish me.

If there was one capable, one already well-versed in ending a vampire's existence, it was my brother.

Jasper cocked his eyebrow at me, sensing my new-found resolve.

_That's not what you want, Edward. _

How dare he! My life was as good as _over _and he had the nerve to call me on it? He had no idea what this felt like! He had no right to tell me what I did, and didn't, want. I didn't care what he thought; I would _make _him do it. I would know from his thoughts exactly how, and when, to push him over the edge, I'd use my gift to challenge, manipulate, _to win_.

The anger and desperation boiled in my gut like acid and I crouched, ready to attack.

Vaguely, I was aware of Esme's frightened pleas for us to stop. Carlisle, always the voice of reason, trying to convince me that violence was not the answer.

What did he know? He didn't know what this felt like, either. None of them did.

The thoughts of my family swirled around me, a deafening roar that I took no heed of as I welcomed the anger that blazed through my body. An overwhelming urge to break something grew inside me. I wanted to make someone, something, _anything _pay for what had happened. I wanted to smash, obliterate, lose myself in the anger. I eyed up Jasper's pretty-boy face as my first target.

I was so intent on watching him that I didn't realize Emmett was behind me until it was too late. A split-second later, he had me in a headlock, his other arm holding me tight against his body. Then he ran, propelling us straight through the living room window.

Chunks of glass fell through the air like rain as we tumbled to the ground, rolling together on the damp grass.

I grunted as we came to a stop against the trunk of a large fir tree, glass crunching underneath us as Emmett's weight landed on my chest. He used his advantage to push a knee into my chest, glaring at me angrily.

"You want to hurt someone? You hurt me!"

Then he pulled his fist back and struck me in the face.

White-hot rage exploded inside me and I leapt to my feet, pushing him off me. I snarled, feeling the bones in my face knitting themselves back together, and stalked towards him like a lion intent on his prey.

He took everything I threw at him. Every brawling swing of my fists, every push and shove and kick, every ounce of desperation. We chased each other through the forest for hours, boulders shattering under us, trees crashing to the ground in our wake, creatures woken from slumber fleeing from our battlefield.

I hated and raged and despaired, and he always came back for more. Eventually, dawn began to break on the horizon, and I felt the anger dissipate to a smoldering, but manageable, ache.

It still hurt, but for the first time since leaving Seattle, I felt a little relief, and a little control return.

"Thank you," I said softly.

Emmett clapped his hand on my shoulder. "No problem, bro." _I wish there was more I could give you._

We walked back to the house in silence.

* * *

Telling my family that I had lost my mate was exhausting. Excruciating.

_Lost _wasn't even the right word.

Taken.

_Stolen_.

Pity and sympathy hung thick in the air, and I could feel Jasper beside me, trying to ease my pain. Generous of him, considering a few hours earlier I had all but attacked him. He had eyed me warily when Emmett and I returned, but soon fell to my side, wrapping me in an emotional cocoon of safety and calm. As I talked, each word heavy with grief, I could feel him absorbing, manipulating, redirecting; trying to give me what little relief he could offer.

I said my piece and retreated outside again. They meant well, but I couldn't bear the anxious glances and the worried thoughts they couldn't keep from me. They couldn't fix this, and their sadness only made me feel worse.

My Volvo sat in the driveway where I had left it, and I climbed inside. I ran my fingers along the indents in the leather seat beside me, an impression left by Seth just hours ago. Only hours and yet it felt like a lifetime.

I hadn't dared take a breath during the drive home, but now I indulged myself, sucking in deep breaths of the Seth-infused air inside the car. Desperately, I inhaled lungfuls of his hot spicy scent, swallowing what little of him I could pull from the air as tearless sobs wracked my body.

But it wasn't enough. It would never be enough.

* * *

I took to spending time in the garage, in my car - the last place we had been happy together.

Seth's scent was slowly fading, and I knew eventually his essence would be gone, and I would be left with nothing.

The numbness was like a blanket, and I pulled it tight around me, not letting the futile 'what if's' creep under the edges, or the thoughts of my family penetrate the apathy which I had wrapped myself in.

Rose was the only one who spent any time in the garage, and for once I was grateful that her thoughts were always preoccupied with herself - she didn't pay my wallowing any heed.

I wasn't ready to go upstairs and pretend like I was coping. The effort to behave like my life was still worth living was too much to even consider. I wasn't even ready to _think _about it, yet.

In my car, I could just hide.

And breathe him in.

A sharp knock on the car window startled me. I was finding my senses were dulled to the point where I could barely claim to have superior vampire reactions. Everything was slower, foggier, emptier. The numbness extended to everything.

Resentfully, I opened the door a fraction.

"What?" I snarled.

Rose sneered back at me. "If you think you can pull yourself together for a moment, you have a visitor."

I remembered now why I normally tried to avoid her company. Seth had always maintained she was a bitch, and while I'd always tried to be diplomatic and defend her icy demeanor, I was beginning to think I had been too generous.

"Would you like to add an 'I told you so' in there as well, Rosalie?" I seethed back at her as I climbed out of the car."Admit it! You never wanted us to be together in the first place. You must be loving it now it's all gone to ruin, just like you hoped it would."

"Edward, that's not..."

"Give me some credit, would you? I know you hated him."

"That's not true," she whispered. She actually looked taken aback by my outburst, and for a short moment I wondered if she was, in fact, being genuine.

The anger had seemed to flare from nowhere, and I no longer had the ability to discern whether it was misdirected or not. It was as if my emotions were no longer my own.

"I don't want to see anyone!" I said angrily, remembering that she'd originally been trying to tell me someone was here to see me. I couldn't imagine who in the world my visitor could be. Even the thought of Tanya coming here with her hugs and quiet disappointment, sadness in her golden eyes, was unwelcome. I just wanted to be left alone.

_I think maybe you should. _Rose's thoughts were unusually tender.

In her mind flashed an image of a wolf.

Faster than I had ever run before, I sped to the door - my heart cracking in two, my mind seeing only his face.

* * *

She must have seen my crushing disappointment, because her first words were an apology. "I'm sorry. I'm here on my own."

"What do you want?" I asked defensively. Vaguely, it registered that I was being rude; forgoing the small talk and greetings while I made her stand on the doorstep to talk to me.

She fidgeted and stared at the ground. She was clearly uncomfortable, and I could see in her thoughts her unease at being face to face with me, an underlying thread of fear under the brave exterior she was working hard to maintain.

"Can we go for a walk?" she asked.

Selfishly, I wanted to say no, but I could tell how much courage it had taken for her to venture up to a house full of vampires.

She looked so much like him that it hurt. The same glossy black hair, the same russet tan. Even the smell of her; not exactly alike, but enough familiarity that it had made me reel when I had opened the door. There was no way I wanted her inside the house, her almost - but not close enough - presence would linger, and only serve as another reminder of what I had lost.

I sighed, and walked past her down the steps.

Leah followed silently after me, and I resisted the urge to eavesdrop further and identify the intent of her visit. After a few minutes, when we were well out of earshot of the house, she fell into step beside me.

"I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now."

I snorted, but didn't say anything else. Why did everyone presume to know how I felt? No-one understood what this was like. Frankly, I was already at the end of my patience for this endless rhetoric about what I should or shouldn't be feeling.

"I wanted you to know...well...it's just..." She shook her head and paused. I didn't say anything, but stopped walking and turned to her, waiting for her to continue.

"...fucking imprinting..." she muttered under her breath.

Something pained in her tone caught me off-guard, and instantly memories of a long ago conversation with Seth flooded my mind.

_"...sometimes this thing, imprinting, happens...you don't have any control over it, it just happens to you... It's supposed to be rare, but it happened to Sam...He imprinted on Emily, even though he was shacked up with my sister at the time..."_

Suddenly, her visit made sense. There _was _someone who knew what it felt like to have your loved one torn away from you. Someone who knew the heartbreakingly raw pain of watching from the sidelines as they fell instantly and irrevocably in love with someone else. Someone who knew what it felt like to have to live with the fact there was nothing you could do about it.

"Does it ever stop hurting?" I asked her.

She glanced at me, relief washing over her features as she realized I knew she was in the same position, that she wouldn't have to relive her own pain to explain it to me.

She paused, considering my question. In her thoughts she appraised my disheveled appearance; my wrinkled clothes, bronzed hair standing in all directions where my fingers had pulled through it, the purple shadows under my too-dark amber eyes. She took a moment to search my face; for what, I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

"Yeah," she said softly,"it gets easier...eventually."

I knew she was lying, but I nodded.

"He loved you. So much," she said as she reached her hand towards me. She meant it as a gesture of comfort, but I flinched back from the heat of her palm.

"Don't..." My voice sounded strangled.

_Don't use the past tense._

She gave me an apologetic smile, but pulled back her hand. Tears welled in the corners of her eyes. "I'm sorry. For all three of you."

* * *

The sun and moon continued to chase each other across the sky. The passing of time was nothing if not infinitely reliable.

I barely noticed.

Just as the scent of Seth faded from my car, the numbness soon wore off and eventually gave way to an increasingly dark abyss of misery. After I asked Alice to remove the bed, I locked myself in my room and let the emptiness devour me.

Occasionally, I pulled the little wolf that Seth had carved for me from the pocket of my jeans. I had carried it with me every day since he had given it to me on our ridge. It tumbled through my fingers, the surface of the wood now smooth from my continual caresses. I clutched it to my chest, wanting to connect with him, almost worshiping the tiny figure that he had created. Tracing over the wood where his fingers had once been.

Other days, I squeezed it between my fingertips until I could hear the fibers creaking, wanting to pulverize it and watch the dust fall to the ground. Disintegrate it, just as my love had been destroyed.

For the most part, I simply sat and stared out my window, eyes fixed on a distance horizon but not really seeing anything other than his face. Memories were all I had left now, and they consumed my every thought. I spent hours replaying every moment we had spent together. I remembered the first moment I laid eyes on him - recalling how it had felt to fall in love with him in that very instant, the tentative friendship that had grown from hatred, the soft blooming of his love for me; and later, the raging need for each other, the all encompassing love that left us blind to anything else.

But now all of it was gone.

In my darkest moments, I tortured myself with memories of _that day_. In self-flagellating frame by frame replay, I relived every second of the agony of watching him imprint. Seeing him turn into someone I didn't recognize right before my eyes. Hearing the thoughts in his head filled with love and adoration for _someone else_. Knowing that the bond I could see in his mind was permanent, unbreakable. Forever.

The pain ripped through me again and again as the memories unfolded; my heart broken, my dreams shattered, my love...gone. I had no tears to shed, but inside I wept as I imagined him going about his new life _with her_. Images of him smiling, laughing, _loving _filled my head in a constant stream of barbed images that left gaping holes where my heart should have been.

The imprint would ensure he would always be happy, and yet I was left all alone to suffer, destined to spend the rest of eternity mourning the loss of my mate.

_I'm so lost without him._

I prayed. I pleaded and begged. I promised all manner of impossible things if God would only grant me my one desire: Seth.

But God does not care for our kind. And I had no soul to sell. There was nowhere to turn.

I only hunted when the burning in my throat became too much to bear. Once, I had enjoyed the thrill of the chase and succumbing to the more visceral side of my nature. Now I fed only to sustain myself. There was no satisfaction anymore. One day, I went out to feed only to find the forest covered in snow. Months had passed by in the blink of an eye.

My family continued to treat me like I was made of glass; alternatively they worried that I would explode in anger, or lose myself to a grief induced madness. They tiptoed around me, and when they thought I wasn't listening, they talked about me in hushed tones, anxious and concerned. I avoided them as much as possible, too exhausted, too distracted by the intenseness of my grief to participate in any of their routines.

I was incapable of rousing myself beyond anything other than simply existing.

* * *

At Carlisle's insistence, I sat at the dining room table with my family.

People at the hospital were beginning to notice Carlisle's unwaveringly youthful appearance. This was our usual signal that we needed to think about moving on. We always tried to ensure our documents would give us as many years as possible, but eventually the age on paper would betray us, and we would have to leave before questions were raised.

Around me, my siblings and pseudo-parents discussed various options for relocation, putting together a list of other places with vampire-suitable weather. I paid little attention, my mind unable to stay on task, my body frozen in my seat only because Jasper was numbing me into submission.

The word "London" broke through my haze of disinterest.

I listened for the first time since the meeting began. Carlisle was talking about going back to his roots in England. Apparently, he and Esme had discussed it at length and, with the promise of her own car restoration business, Rose was also in agreement. Of course, Emmett would go wherever she wanted.

I quickly searched Alice's head, and immediately I was granted with visions of the family living somewhere semi-rural on the outskirts of London. Carlisle working in a small English hospital, Esme redecorating yet another home, everyone content to be living in the old country. Jasper and Alice had their own plans to travel and would meet up with the family in a few years.

"No!" I sobbed.

Everyone in the room turned their eyes to me. I hadn't spoken since joining them, and their faces were shocked as they looked at me expectantly.

"I can't leave him."

England was on the _other side of the world_. There was no way I could be that far away from Seth.

I could hear the disbelief in their thoughts, the worry that I had finally lost my grip on reality. As far as they were concerned, Seth and I were over, and they were unanimous in their convictions that I should start my life over somewhere new. A move to England was just what I needed, apparently.

They were wrong. I couldn't explain it. All I knew was there was no way I was going to England. I loved my family, but I couldn't go with them. Not this time.

Alice placed her hand in my mine, and my head filled with her visions.

"Isle Esme?" I muttered under my breath.

She nodded. Images of me living alone on the island that Carlisle had bought for Esme many years ago flashed through my mind. I looked...at peace.

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I needed to get away from this house, this town, _this life,_ where everything reminded me of him. I needed some space to figure out a way to cope without him. Isle Esme had a food source, but no other people - human or vampire - lived there. On Isle Esme I could simply _be. _

Alone.

The silence and solitude that the uninhabited island offered were suddenly overwhelmingly appealing.

"Esme, would you be willing to offer me the use of Isle Esme? I'd like to go there for some time."

She smiled softly, and nodded. I could see in her thoughts her sadness that I wouldn't be joining them in England, but there was also an undercurrent of relief. In her mind, the dark cloud that had loomed over the family since my return lifted, and for the first time I realized how my sorrow must have affected everyone else in the house. Selfishly, I had assumed that I had been the only one suffering.

Instantly, my resolve fell into place - leaving them was the best decision for all of us.

* * *

During the next few weeks, Carlisle and Esme made plans to relocate to England. Tendering resignations, locating property, obtaining new documents - a frenzied discussion of what names they would go by, and what fake familial ties they would fabricate this time. There were a multitude of loose ends to tie up.

The house was abuzz with activity, and I let myself be swept up in it. Although my natural instinct was to ignore everything and continue to wallow in my grief, I forced myself to keep busy getting everything organised for my own departure.

There was a new energy in the house. For the first time we weren't leaving an area with regret or futile wishes that we could stay longer. There was a sense of purpose this time; all of us needed to escape the sadness and heartbreak that would always linger here.

Carlisle arranged for the contents of the library to be boxed and sent ahead to the island. I said I didn't want it, but he said he was hopeful that I would one day have the need for them. In a weak moment, I relented.

Alice never mentioned my anger on the day of my return, but I had moments when I was overcome with guilt at the way I had treated her - it seemed only right that she help me pack up my room.

"I'm sorry you won't come with us, but I'm glad you'll be...better...on the island," she said as she rifled through my wardrobe, pulling out a handful of shirts. She had piles of my clothing all over the floor, in a system only she understood. I had acquiesced to let her _help_, but in typical Alice fashion, I soon found myself relegated to the role of by-stander.

I didn't say anything in response. My self-imposed exile seemed both ridiculously dramatic, and impossibly perfect. As I had slowly risen from my grief-laden fog, bolstered up on the hope that Alice's visions were in fact a glimpse at a future where I would find a way to cope without Seth, I realized how much the loss of him had affected everyone.

Emmett had lost a good friend, Esme another son. Even Rose - though I had accused her of hating him - missed the verbal sparring that both she and Seth had secretly enjoyed. Alice and Jasper suffered because I did.

And Carlisle; our de-facto leader, my father, my friend. In his mind, he had failed to protect me, failed both of us when he couldn't fix me. My heartbreak was particularly hard for him to bear, and I tried to block his thoughts as much as I could so I wouldn't see my own agony reflected back at me.

I felt guilty I had made them all suffer. In their thoughts I saw the shadow I had become. A catatonic fetal ball of misery - a black vortex located on the second floor obliterating every whiff of happiness or contentment from the entire house.

Leaving them to their happy, mated pairs was the only solution, and I could only hope that my choice to live apart from them would be penance enough.

On Isle Esme I wouldn't be a burden, anymore.

Alice was talking again, and I pulled myself from my thoughts.

"...I was going to give you this earlier, but I wanted to wait until I was sure you would...be able to use it to the best of your ability."

She was going to give me a gift? I wasn't sure what I had missed, but she was in front of me, suddenly. She held out her hands, and I cautiously I slipped my palms against hers.

_I love you, Edward. I want you to hold onto to this in your darkest moments._

Then she flooded her head, and mine, with visions.

Images I had already seen of myself on Isle Esme. Alone, but finding a path through the despair. A sense of peace in the solitude.

Could I really learn to live without him?

Then, images I hadn't seen before. Me back in Forks. _I come back?_ A sense of...what was that? Anticipation? Sadness? Everything was blurry. I knew how Alice's visions worked - the further she had to look into the future, the hazier things appeared. Five minutes ahead they were crystal clear; five years ahead and it was like looking through a clouded, cracked looking glass, where the pictures were warped and distorted.

I watched my future-self...waiting.

Then nothing.

_Nothing_.

My future disappeared right before my eyes.

Just like it had, one time before.

I dropped to my knees, breaking the contact with her, though I didn't need it to see her thoughts replaying that grey blur where I should have been.

She crouched beside me, hugging me to her chest. "I don't know what it means, Edward. It's still a long way off, my best guess is eight years, maybe more."

I nodded, unable to form any words.

_Please, please, please..._

"It could still change, you know that. And it might not be him. But I want you to hope, Edward."

_Hope._

_

* * *

_

An ember glowed warm in my chest after Alice shared her vision with me. It was hungry, and wanted to ignite into a fully-fledged blaze, but I remained cautious.

I wanted, _more than anything_, to believe that there was a chance that I would one day be reunited with Seth, but it still seemed such an impossible dream. My mind kept returning to the grey blur I saw in her mind, so reminiscent of that very first day I saw him, when I had met a worried Alice in the woods. That day we had both been confused and wary. This time, the vision of my disappearance from her sight was the most precious, revered gift she could ever give me.

After packing up my room, I stopped by Carlisle's office. He was busy sorting his study, boxing up his medical journals and removing the art works from the walls.

I knocked on the door tentatively, entering as he smiled widely at me. His genuine relief at seeing me made something in my chest pang, and for a moment I wished that I could go with them to England. I would miss them all, but Carlisle especially.

"Carlisle, do you have a moment?"

"Of course." He put down the pile of books in his arm, and gestured for me to take a seat.

"I was wondering, if it isn't already too late, would you mind not selling the house? At least, not right away?"

He looked at me questioningly, but in his mind I could see he was so eager to do anything to make me happy, that it would be beyond him to refuse me.

"Alice saw...I'm not sure exactly," I said, deciding that I would keep nothing from him. "There's a slim chance, but a chance nonetheless, that I might return to Forks one day."

"I see," Carlisle said slowly.

_Does this mean what I think it means?_

"I'm not sure, to be honest. I want to hope it does." I wanted to hope so badly it hurt.

Carlisle gave me a warm smile. "Me, too."

He walked around the desk, and I stood as he reached me. His embrace was something I would have fought against just a few days earlier, but I found myself returning the gesture. His arms wrapped around me, and I breathed in his quiet, calm comfort. His happiness at my revelation, his own hope that I would one day heal and be reunited with my love, radiated off him**,** and I couldn't help but be lifted by the strength of his concern for me.

_We'll miss you_.

I nodded against his shoulder. I would miss them, too, but I knew the only way to do this was to go on my own. If there was a chance to be with Seth again, I had to go to the island, become the Edward that Alice had seen - in control, at peace. The broken mess I was at the moment couldn't stay here and simply _wait_. I knew I'd go insane long before Alice's visions came to fruition.

He pulled away. "The house is yours, for as long as you need it."

"I was going to ask Tanya if she would come in a few years and live here, until..." I said quietly.

Instantly, his mind, sharp and perceptive, knew exactly why I would ask my best friend to come to Forks and live in our house. Why I would need another vampire to live in the area.

He nodded. "That sounds like a fine idea."

The next day I left for Isle Esme.

* * *

Being exposed to the sun took some time to get accustomed to, the harsh bright light and dull warmth on my skin was so unfamiliar after living under Fork's perpetual cloud cover. It felt quite unsettling to be able to wander about at will, with no fear of exposure - but there was no one to see me. After the initial novelty of not having to hide myself away in the shadows wore off, the light refracting off my skin only served as yet another reminder that I was all alone.

Naively, I had expected to arrive on the island and have some sort of epiphany, some divine revelation that would make me whole again. I had convinced myself that coming to the island was going to save me, lift me from the depths of despair and lead me to the path back to Seth.

It wasn't like that at all.

The island was excruciatingly silent, and even though I had spent the better part of the past two years ignoring them, I missed my family and the quiet background hum of their daily activities. It wasn't until I was totally and utterly alone, that I realized how much my family had supported me in my grief, simply by being there.

Without their ever-watching eyes, I forgot to clean myself; I would suddenly realise that I had been wearing the same clothes for weeks on end, or that the small house I occupied was filthy.

Without their ever-present care, I forgot to feed and would find myself weak and useless, the thirst in my throat burning me from the inside out until I began to claw away at the skin on my neck.

I had fooled myself into thinking that I had stoically fought off Jasper's influence from behind my bedroom door - but now that he wasn't here, I found myself drowning under the weight of my loss. Without his subtle maneuvering of my emotions, the daily sift and shift of my darkest feelings, the pain was sharp and raw and endless.

If I had a been a catatonic mess when I'd been in Forks, on the island I was as close to death as a vampire could possibly come.

I took to sitting on the beach for days, perhaps even weeks, at a time. The continuous lapping of the waves on the shore lulled me into oblivion, and I would sit and fester in the emptiness that filled every space and molecule inside me.

This day was no different from any of the other countless days I had spent in the exact same spot. Staring with unseeing eyes across the ocean, lost in the dark.

Until he emerged from the water.

"Seth?" My voice was incredulous...ecstatic.

He smiled, his eyes lighting up when he saw me. Water dripped from his body, tiny beads of salty water running over the smooth tanned planes of his chest, and his hair was wet and as black as ink. He was more beautiful than I remembered.

I wanted to rub my eyes, but couldn't bear the thought of losing sight of him for even one second.

"How did you...?"

"Well, I didn't fucking swim all the way, if that's what you're asking. I left the boat just around the cove," he said as he flopped onto the sand beside me. Sand flicked up against my leg. "I wanted to surprise you."

"Oh." I couldn't form words, or thoughts. I couldn't move, breathe, do anything.

He was here.

_With me. _

I had begged, and pleaded, been to the depths of hell and back, and here he was. My prayers had been answered - Seth was here. With me. And it felt like heaven.

Suddenly, it occurred to me that perhaps I really _was _in heaven. Had I died? Miraculously found my way to the after-life? A place in God's kingdom with Seth at my side, forever.

I sighed. I didn't care what the explanation was, why or how, or whatever else. The only thing that mattered was that he was here.

"So...was it a good surprise?" he muttered, running his fingers along the sand, uncertain and worried.

I was a fool. The love of my life, my one true love, my mate, my _forever _was here, and all I had managed was a couple of inane questions.

"I've missed you, so much," I whispered, my voice cracked and broken.

He turned to me with tears in his eyes, his body tense as his need rolled off him. "Kiss me."

It sounded like a question, and I couldn't understand how he could think he needed to _ask_. Did he not know that was all I ever wanted to do? For the rest of my existence.

The heat of him embraced me as I leaned over. Slowly, I closed the gap between us, wanting to savor every sweet second of this longed-for reunion.

But there was nothing beside me but pale, golden sand.

* * *

The encounter on the beach rocked me to my core.

It made the ache in my chest burst wide open, and I relived the agony of losing him, all over again.

But it was the wake up call I so desperately needed.

I never let myself go unfed for that long again. I set alarms and reminders, I wrote lists, I made myself create systems and order out of the chaos that had been my existence. Madness was a monster that lurked in the distance, waiting for me to slip up again, watching for any sign that I might slink back in the dark.

I forced myself to find the light. However small, however pitiful.

I wanted to see Seth again, so much it hurt to even think it. Every fiber of my being screamed for it. But not like that. I would never go there again. I wanted the _real _him. The hot spice of his breath on my face, the feel of his smooth muscled chest under my fingertips, the sound of his heart beating my name. Not some insanity-induced apparition.

The vision that Alice had gifted me became my obsession. The hope, however tenuous it might be, became the life preserver that I clung to as I pulled myself from the depths. I spent hours of every day replaying everything she had foreseen, and gradually, so painstakingly slowly, I found the path back to life...and back to Seth.

The calm that Alice had predicted eventually became my new way of life. I found peace amongst Carlisle's books, I sought sustenance when it was required. I wasn't happy - I would never be happy without Seth at my side - but I learned to cope.

And that was all I could ask of myself.

Every few months, I arranged for a boat to bring me supplies from the mainland - mainly clothes, new books, some food to keep up appearances. I had a post office box that I arranged to be emptied, and every shipment contained letters from my family.

Alice and Jasper sent their love from around the world via colorful postcards that I tacked to the wall in the living area of the house. 6x4 multi-colored snapshots from every country imaginable, words of encouragement and love scrawled on the back. Carlisle and Esme wrote long-winded letters detailing everything about their lives in England - Esme's plans for their new house, Carlisle's work at the hospital, the English wildlife populations they now helped keep under control. Emmett, never one for verbosity, sent random photographs of cars Rose was working on, views from the forest near where they lived, his collection of video games. Once, there was simply a photo of him and Rose smiling at each other.

In a world that was consumed by instant communication via handheld computers, my island was without electricity or cellphone tower, and I found myself enjoying the slow anticipation that the regular written contact provided. I didn't have many memories of my life before Carlisle found me, but I liked to think of the letters as a nostalgic reminder of my once human existence.

Once the sun had begun to set on the horizon, I wandered down to the small jetty that was located in the next bay. As per the very well paid arrangement, the box was waiting for me, the boat and its driver having already left.

I carried it back home, setting it down in the living room before slicing through the cardboard with my fingernail. Inside was the usual eclectic selection of old classics and newly released books. Carlisle had set everything up for me, and he always included books in different languages as well as medical and scientific journals and textbooks - I knew he was trying to keep my mind active.

Attached to the side of the box was a package containing the contents of my post box. I flipped through the envelopes, my eye catching on a script I hadn't seen in many years.

Tanya.

With an odd bubbling of excitement and fear, I ripped open her letter and scanned it quickly.

_Seth had gone home._

I hardly dared to believe it, but I couldn't help the hope that exploded inside me as I realized Alice's visions were now one step closer to becoming my future. My truth.

When I'd asked Tanya to live in our house, I'd made a hesitant guess Seth would return back to the Olympic Peninsula once he had completed his degree at Seattle. I knew how important it was to him to get his qualifications, but I'd never really been able to imagine him working in a big city law firm. As much as he would have hated for me to say it, I had always thought he was better suited to a small town - specifically somewhere he wouldn't have to hide his true nature. Somewhere he would be safe to be a wolf. Seth returning back to La Push made perfect sense to me, and I thanked every deity I could think of that my guess had been right.

Tanya had not long arrived in Forks before Seth had come back, and in her letter she told me that she had actually had a chance to meet him. I tried to tame the jealousy, but I couldn't help the stabbing pain in my gut when I read her description of him - he sounded just the same: perfect.

My eyes lingered over her words and I imagined him in my mind; vivid memories that pulled at my heart.

_I missed him so much._

Part of me - the hurting, broken shadow inside me - raged, desperate to rush back to Forks. I ached for him. I longed to see him just one more time, share one more touch. He seemed so close, so tantalizingly within reach, and yet he was still so far away. Impossible.

The saner part of my mind, the part that I had spent so much time and energy fostering back from the darkness, simply sighed. I knew I was still in no fit state to go back. It had been the worst kind of torture to lose him, to mourn his loss, to feel like a part of me was missing every second of every waking moment. But I knew that it wasn't my time, yet. If I went back now, I wouldn't be able to stay away from him. I would have to watch him _with her._

It would destroy me.

As much as it hurt, I had to wait.

Tanya was there, and she was watching, and that would have to be good enough for now. I tried to feel guilty for asking her to live in our house, but I couldn't. Alice had said eight years, but I knew that was unreliable. There was a chance it could be longer, much longer. I couldn't bear the thought of Seth growing old without me. Manipulating Seth from a distance seemed almost like a betrayal, but I simply didn't regret it. Selfishly, I didn't want him to change. If there was a chance for us to be together, I wanted him to be the same Seth I fell in love with.

I needed him to still be phasing.

* * *

It was years before a letter arrived from Tanya that simply said I should come back.

It was the sign, the moment I had been waiting on for so long, but now it was time to leave, I was suddenly anxious.

Tanya's message hadn't elaborated on what had happened - simply a message and travel documents to have me back in Forks by the end of the month. My mind raced through a million possibilities of what I would find when I went back, and I felt incredibly out of my depth as I headed back to the unknown. The only thing that kept me together was the hopeful glow that burned inside me.

One more step back to him.

Tanya picked me up from the airport, her unfaltering love for me instantly putting my mind at ease. I had missed her friendship, just as much as I had missed my family. She filled the trip home with small talk, telling me of all the local happenings in my absence. Even though I was almost beside myself, desperately wanting to know the reason she'd called me home, I feigned interest in her conversation. She'd been so good to me, and I felt like I owed it to her to act the part of the Edward she remembered. Polite. Patient.

Finally, we made it home. Once again, I had nothing with me but the clothes I wore, and Seth's wolf carving in my pocket.

"She's sick." Tanya gestured for me to take a seat on the couch beside her. "I smelled her in town awhile ago. I'm not sure what exactly is wrong with her, but I don't think she will survive it."

I was dumbstruck. Speechless. Totally lost.

In the back of my mind, I knew that for Seth and I to be reunited something would have to happen to his imprint, but now that the reality was being stated in such bleak black and white, I found myself feeling all at once guilty and heartbroken for Seth. The loss of a mate was not something I would wish upon my worst enemy, and the thought of Seth having to watch her die was agonizing. He would suffer, just as I had suffered, and that made me want to weep.

"I could ask Carlisle to..." I suggested desperately.

Tanya interrupted me. "I think it's already too late, Edward." Her voice was sad, and she stared out the window. "It's just a waiting game, now."

* * *

I watched him from the shadows.

The law firm he worked for was in Forks. It was neutral territory, and I was careful to always use the car so as to not leave a scent trail in the woods near the house. The pack didn't patrol close to the township, and I was able to move about undetected.

I didn't want him to know I was back.

I wasn't sure how he would react if he knew, and even though I wanted, more than anything, to reveal myself, I knew he needed to have all his focus on _Melissa_.

Her name sounded foreign and clumsy on my tongue. For more than a decade, she had simply been _her_. A nameless girl-child that I had once directed all my anger at. For the longest time, I had hated her, blamed her. Wanted her dead. But, she wasn't to blame for what had happened. She didn't choose this path for herself, just like Seth and I hadn't had a choice. She was as much a victim as I was.

It felt strange to now be thinking of her with pity, wishing that she wasn't going to die.

I saw them together, once. It was more painful to watch than even my worst nightmares had imagined. The sight of him; his face lighting up as she walked towards him, the ease at which they moved in each other's space, the soft touches and warm smiles. It was so _easy_, so comfortable. They looked like two halves of the same whole. Loved and in love.

I wasn't sure what I had expected to see - in my head the imprint had never equated to true love, and I had refused to believe it was anything more than just an irrefutable force of nature. I certainly hadn't expected to feel like a voyeur, eavesdropping on a love so pure, it rivaled my own.

It only made me feel worse for what was ahead of them.

Part of me wanted to find a way to warn and protect them.

Part of me hoped Tanya, and Alice, were wrong.

Part of me hoped they were right.

In the end, I admitted defeat, retreating to the house and leaving them alone to enjoy what little time they had left.

* * *

They took her back to Seattle, and buried her on a cold winter's afternoon. The sky was bleak and gray, and the wind whipped at the black coats of the mourners gathered by the grave.

Her death left me shaken.

I had wanted this very thing for _so long_, it was almost incomprehensible that it had become the truth. Every second of my separation from Seth had been filled with a desire for us to somehow, someday, have another chance at a life together, another chance at love. And now we had it. In my most secret, deep down place I was joyous and elated.

And for that I felt selfish and guilty.

As I watched the love of my life stand and grieve for his wife, his imprint, _his love_, there was nothing to feel but an overwhelming sadness. I despaired that the price was too high, the loss too great.

I stood and watched from a distance, trying to keep my raging emotions under control - not even sure what I should be feeling. Grief and hope boiled together in my veins, and the unsettling effect made me sway on my feet.

Had I not suffered enough? Had I not borne enough sadness for two lifetimes? It seemed an unspeakable cruelty to make him endure the same. The thought of him broken and hurting was paralyzing.

I wanted to go to him so badly. Wanted to wrap him safe in my arms, and shelter him from the storm. Take away his pain. 

_Just be there by his side._

But yet again, I was forced to leave him to shoulder the burden on his own, forced to stay back and ignore all of my natural instincts to go to him. All I could do was watch, and wait.

The ceremony soon came to an end, people drifting away like little clouds of sadness. Hundreds had come to pay their respects, and it was almost twilight before he stood by her grave, all alone.

It seemed to take a lifetime to cross the cemetery, each painstakingly slow step was heavy with trepidation.

I approached him cautiously, my head suddenly filling with a nauseating fear that maybe he wouldn't want to see me, that I was going about this all wrong. God! Maybe I was making a huge mistake that I would never be able to come back from. What if he was angry, or worse - apathetic, to my sudden appearance? What if he outright rejected what little comfort I could offer him?

I purposefully stood on a twig, the snapping sound echoing against the stone markers that surrounded us. I stopped in my tracks as he turned towards me.

"Edward?" His voice sounded exactly the same as I remembered, my name rolling off his lips almost too much to bear. I wanted him to say it again, and again.

"Seth," I whispered. Up close, it was obvious how close to breaking he was. He looked so very tired, weary. His face lined with silver tear tracks, his shoulders hunched under the weight of his grief.

"I knew you were here. I could feel you," he mumbled at the ground. He pushed his hands deep into the pockets of his coat, his posture strained and awkward, as if merely standing up was an effort.

I took a tentative step forward, my whole being screaming at me to touch him, to tell him he didn't need to be strong anymore, to give him anything, and everything, he needed.

His sob filled the silence, and his body began to shake. I was at his side instantly, wrapping him in my arms.

The heat of him, his spicy scent, the feeling of him pressed against me - it was heartbreaking.

Wonderful.

Overwhelming.

It felt like I'd finally come home.

"I loved her so much," he sobbed into my chest.

"I know." I pressed my lips to the top of his head as he cried against me.

"You need to phase, Seth," I said softly, after a few minutes. "The park is a ten minute drive. I can take you... if you like?"

He hesitated, then simply nodded.

Hand in hand, we walked to my car.

And into the future, together.

* * *

_The road is rocky, and dangers lurk at every turn. I hold your hand as you stumble._

_I would give it all to keep you safe from harm._

_I taste your tears on the wind as I carry you to the top of the mountain. My hands cradle your fragile heart, and together we listen to the call of the moon. It whispers our secrets, and promises me that from these ashes, our love will rise._

_Hope blooms inside me, and I am drunk on the scent of it._

_You breathe my name._

_I am whole again._

_

* * *

_

**A/N:**

Grateful thanks to: **Betham **for punctuation, commas and always being there, **Naelany **for Isle Esme and (lots of) other assorted plot bunnehs, **Vampireisthenewblack** for inspiration and influence, generosity and friendship. Also huge hugs and thanks to **Yellowglue **for being her awesome hb&b self.

I think there is one more chapter left.

Somebody awesome nominated this story for the Vampies Awards - celebrating twilight vampfic. It's up for Best Angst (!) and Best Slash. It's pretty overwhelming to see it listed there with some of my most favourite ever stories. Voting opens July 11 - twificpics(dot)com(slash)vampawards go check out all the great recs and consider voting for your favourite/s.

_Thanks for reading. Reviews are appreciated._


	5. My Leige, My Love

_By rights this should have been another SethPOV, but he was too upset to talk to me so I hope you don't mind getting another chapter from Edward instead._

_Just a reminder that this is an M rated story. If you're not old enough, then please don't._

_Musical inspiration/playlist for this chapter: Eskimo Joe's Comfort You._

_

* * *

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**My Liege, My Love**

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* * *

**

We didn't speak as I drove to the park.

There were so many things I wanted to say, but I didn't.

Seth stared straight ahead, and I resisted the urge to watch him rather than the road.

Instead, I simply breathed him in.

* * *

I pulled the car up at a rest area we had stopped at hundreds of times before. It was further into the park than most people ventured, and only a mile or two's walk to where the bush was thick enough for Seth to phase without risk of being seen.

Driving him up to the park felt so familiar, and yet, it was almost as if it had been another lifetime that we'd last been here.

In the past, decades had passed me by as quickly as years might fly by for a human. When one faces eternity, ten years is nothing - a blip, a passing moment. Ten years without Seth, however, had been torture. Time had slowed, each day dragging by, the emptiness making every second feel like it lasted forever.

Only ten years, but so much had changed. It may as well have been another lifetime ago.

As I watched him sigh heavily and climb out of my car, I feared that maybe too much time had passed, too much had changed.

My greatest fear was that nothing would ever be the same again.

I followed after him, the sound of the car door slamming echoing in the cold night air. The silence between us was deafening.

He looked so weak, so withdrawn; a shadow of the Seth I had once known, once loved more than life itself. And I still did. But something deep inside my chest ached when I realized I just wasn't sure how to love him anymore.

It hurt so much to watch him walk away from me with his shoulders hunched, every line of his body strained and sharp. I wanted to pick him up and cradle him to my chest, carry him into the forest.

But I didn't.

We reached a small clearing and Seth paused, kicking at the ground with his foot.

"I haven't...it might take me a while to change..." he said hesitantly.

I wasn't sure what he meant, but I nodded.

He glanced over his shoulder almost apologetically before disappearing behind a huge fir tree on the edge of the clearing.

It stung, but I tried not to let it show on my face. It was just another reminder that everything was different now.

Eventually, Seth emerged in his wolf form. I'd forgotten just how glorious he was like this. A huge, sandy-colored wolf trotting over to me; all grace and latent power. I wanted very much to push my hands into his coat, run my fingers through the velvet soft fur of his ears.

It was so hard to be so close, and yet so far away. The effort to hold myself back, to not do _anything,_ was simply exhausting.

He seemed to sense that my restraint was wearing thin, and he cautiously ambled up beside me. After a moment's pause, he pushed himself against my hip.

A sense of relief flooded through me as my hand connected with him. His heat radiated through my palm, and his tangy, earthy wolf scent rushed through my nostrils as I stroked his thick pelt.

I had missed this, too.

During the drive up to the park, I'd been careful not to eavesdrop in his mind, fearful of what I would find there; but now I forced myself to open my mind to him, knowing he would expect me to be listening.

His thoughts were subdued as he focused on the feel of my hand caressing his head. The weight of my touch, the coolness of my skin, the long-forgotten familiarity.

The comfort.

_Want to run?_

Lost in the feel of him, I was reluctant to agree. I didn't want to lose the contact with him or this fleeting shadow of our former intimacy, but I couldn't deny him.

I pulled my hand away and he took off into the trees, branches crashing behind him as he disappeared into the bush.

It was almost completely dark by now, but it didn't hinder either of us, and I ran after him, following his scent through the darkened forest.

We ran for hours.

It had been so long since I had taken pleasure from running. I ventured out as often as I needed to for hunting, but I was almost businesslike in my efficiency. Survival was always at the forefront of my mind, and I had simply been unable to take enjoyment from being out in the wilderness alone.

Now, as we sped through the park in wide circles, chasing our own paths through the moonlit landscape, I felt a small measure of joy. Small and tentative, but it was impossible to ignore the warm glow that spread through my chest as we ran.

_Together_.

I knew that there would be many more miles to cover before I could dare hope for something more, but for the moment I was content just to be here with him.

His pace began to slow, and I could see in his mind that he couldn't cope for much longer. The run had given him a small respite from the black grief that swirled on the edges of his consciousness, but it had also left him exhausted, and he was almost close to collapsing.

I called to him, coming to a stop on the banks of a small stream. He drank his fill and then settled on the ground at my feet, laying his head wearily on his paws.

_I'm so tired._

His thoughts were hazy and disjointed, and I sat down beside him, stroking his head until he fell asleep.

His sleep was fitful, soft whines floating on the air as his body twitched and shuddered under my hands. I couldn't bear to be in his head, but every grief stricken noise made me cringe, my heart clenching as I listened to the sound of his loss.

He didn't sleep for long, but it seemed to be enough for the moment. We made our way back to the car, subdued and silent.

"What now?" he asked me.

What now? I had no idea.

"We go home."

Home.

* * *

I'd rung Tanya during the trip back and she was waiting for us as we pulled up to the house.

"Are you sure, Seth? I can take you to La Push," I asked him. I wanted him here, with me, but I would take him home if that was what he wanted. Treaty boundaries and the wrath of a distant enemy were the least of my concerns.

"No." His answer was instant and absolute, but his voice was flat and devoid of any emotion.

He followed me inside as Tanya greeted him sadly and offered him her apologies. His acknowledging smile was slight, but didn't reach his eyes.

He sat awkwardly poised on the edge of the couch, looking painfully out of place. I doubted he was even aware of where he was, his eyes gazing into the distance.

I couldn't help but remember the last time he had sat in that very same spot. He had been laughing at one of Emmett's jokes as he lay sprawled on the couch in a tangle of long limbs, feet propped up on the coffee table until Esme had walked into the living room and pretended to scold him. I wondered if I would ever hear him laugh like that again.

I left him to his memories and joined Tanya where she was waiting for me in the kitchen.

"How is he?" she asked me, in a hushed tone meant for my ears only.

"I don't know," I answered honestly. I rubbed my hand over my face distractedly. The truth was, I had no idea how he was, or how he was going to be. I had to stay out of his head – he needed privacy to grieve; and the truth be told, I wasn't sure I could cope with seeing the extent of his heartbreak, all too familiar emotions that I feared might be too much for me to bear.

"I took the liberty of setting up the spare room for him while you were gone. I know I shouldn't have presumed, but I thought maybe he'd come back here, even just for a little while…"

"Thank you," I said gratefully. I hadn't had the foresight to plan ahead, and the house was not set up for human inhabitants. Suddenly, I missed Esme and her nurturing tendencies. The taking care of Seth part that would inevitably come next would have been like second nature for her, and I suddenly felt out of my depth without her mothering guidance.

Tanya continued. "There's also food in the kitchen. Not much, but enough for at least a few days."

There was something unspoken in her tone. "You're leaving?" I asked hesitantly.

She nodded. "I'll go tomorrow. You two need some time to be alone. I can come back if you need me, but I think it would be best if you were here with him on your own, Edward."

I pulled her into a hug, unable to convey in words how much she meant to me, how much she had done for me, but I knew she was right. Whatever lay ahead, Seth and I had to work it out on our own.

* * *

At first, Seth slept.

During the day, he would sleep for hours on end. Deep, heavy sleep devoid of dreams where he simply escaped into oblivion. I stayed close by, bringing him food and water when he woke, even though he said he had no appetite.

At night, sleep came in uneasy bursts punctuated by screams and night sweats as he lay haunted by nightmares and memories.

In the daylight hours, there was an ever present physical distance between us. A carefully-toed line that remained uncrossed. We didn't touch. Every interaction was polite. Wary.

But once the sun set, he begged me not to leave him. Wanting me in his bed as he clung to me, wrapping his body against mine even as he dreamt of her.

I'd never felt as utterly helpless in all my existence as I did in those moments. All I could offer him was the cool relief of my embrace, but that wasn't enough to keep his terror at bay.

In the morning, we would inevitably go back to our awkward dance around each other. It was almost like we were strangers, and the anxiety that accompanied even the smallest of interactions was heart breaking.

Seth was still in bed, even though it was well past noon. I knocked on his bedroom door hesitantly, waiting until I heard a low noise from inside that I interpreted as permission to enter.

He was lying with his back to me, facing the wall.

"It's almost afternoon, Seth. Would you like something to eat?" I said as I walked to the window and pulled back the curtain, pretending to be more confident than I was really feeling.

He moaned as the light flooded the room, and pulled the covers over his head. I opened the window as well, hoping the frigid air would help rouse him.

The coffee I had made him that morning sat on the bedside table, cold and untouched.

"You didn't drink your coffee?" I'd never known Seth to turn down a coffee. I was certain I had correctly remembered how he liked it.

He mumbled under the covers, but I still heard every word. "I don't drink coffee anymore."

"Oh." I said simply. I paused, but couldn't think of anything else to say to the lump of blankets that was hiding him. I picked up the mug and took it with me as I left the room.

Careful not to inhale the caustic smell, I tipped the coffee down the sink, watching the dark brown liquid swirl in lazy circles before disappearing down the drain.

It was another hour before he finally came downstairs. He looked sheepish as he opened the fridge, and I heard the distinctive low groan of his stomach rumbling.

"I think maybe I need to eat something," he muttered as he rummaged in the fridge.

"What would you like? I could go to town if you need something that we don't have," I said quickly. The need to please him and care for him was instinctive, but I could hear the anxiety in my voice, the too-eager tone making me cringe even as I continued.

"Why don't you write a list? I'm still not really sure what you want, but if you tell me, I'll go."

He grunted, and deciding it was an affirmative sounding noise, I picked up my car keys from the counter.

He turned from the fridge, his arms full of various packets of human food that I didn't recognize, because I'd never really needed to pay attention to it before. He set them down on the bench and then reached for a loaf of bread.

"It's OK. I'll just make a sandwich."

"I can do that for you." I rushed to his side.

"Edward." He sighed. "I can make myself a sandwich. Just...go chill or something." He began to spread the slices of bread with something yellow and oily-looking.

"Sorry," I said. It was hard not to feel deflated, but he was right. I was crowding him, and I needed to give him some space. "Go chill" as he put it. I'd never been particularly good at that.

"It's fine," he said, without looking up. "Seriously, though. I can do this."

"OK," I said softly.

He looked up then as if sensing my vulnerability. "Fuck," he muttered under his breath in frustration. "Look. I'm sorry. I didn't mean...it's just..." His words trailed off.

An uncomfortable silence stretched between us. Neither of us knew what to say.

I couldn't understand why simple conversations and interactions always had to be so fraught with tension. It was as if we didn't really know each other at all, and sometimes I couldn't help but wonder if it was that, and not Seth's grief, that was coming between us.

I just wanted some semblance of normality. Some small part of Seth, _my_ Seth, back again.

He turned his back on me, and went back to preparing his sandwich.

I retreated to my room, closing the door behind me. The sun was already low on the horizon, and it was only a few more hours before darkness would descend. A few more hours before Seth would wake, shaking and crying, and calling for me.

Under the veil of night, we were not cautious or hesitant **-** we fell easily into a natural give and take of emotions as I offered him refuge in my arms. My presence, something he barely acknowledged during the day, seemed to be the only thing grounding him in place. I knew I couldn't banish the demons that haunted him completely, but willingly offered what little solace I could provide. I held him tight, letting him weep against me.

My arms and heart wanted to be joyous at his return.

But it wasn't enough.

I wanted to hold him and love him and heal him. I wanted to take this broken thing, the ashes of what we had once had, and make it whole again. I wanted to fix this. A few hours of breathing in his hot, spicy scent, relishing the feel of his body pressed against mine, the heat of him beside me; it was wonderful, everything I had missed and wanted desperately, but it wasn't enough. Now, the taste of him on the air left a bitter aftertaste in my mouth.

For always, the dawn would break and when the sun showed its face, we would once again return to being strangers.

If I thought that was hard to bear, it was nothing compared to being locked out of his room.

On the other side of the thin wooden door, I could hear him sobbing, but when I called to him, he would only yell and scream at me to leave him alone.

And that was the one thing I couldn't do for him.

I sat with my back against the paneled wood, my knees pulled up to my chest, and listened to him cry for hours.

Days.

It felt like eternity.

Eventually, I asked Leah to come.

"I have to hunt," I said apologetically. I knew all too well the dangers of not feeding, and now more than ever I needed to be strong, and sated. In control.

My own fears and grief lurked just around the corner. Watching Seth was almost like reliving my own darkest moments. The emotional toll of his grief was a burden that weighed heavily on my shoulders, and I knew that to face it I needed to feed - my body and mind needed to be strong so I could keep my own memories locked away.

"Of course," she said, without any hint of unease. She dropped her backpack on the couch and then made her way into the kitchen.

"Chicken soup."

"Excuse me?"

"Chicken soup," she said slowly. "You know, soup made from a chicken?"

I didn't know how that was relevant, but I nodded and showed her where everything was kept.

It was an hour before I came across the trail of a small herd of deer. I drained two of them quickly, the blood leaving me feeling full and bloated. My overactive anxiety, along with the burn in my throat, had eased and although I felt barely sated, I did feel stronger and calmer.

When I returned, Seth and Leah were eating at the dining room table. Apparently, chicken soup was the key to getting Seth to leave his room.

I watched silently as Seth gulped down his meal, making small noises of acknowledgment as Leah talked in a continuous stream of idle chit-chat. I suddenly found myself feeling envious at the ease of their interactions; Seth and I struggled just to have a simple conversation. Sipping his soup and sitting at the table with his sister - he looked, just for this short and painfully everyday moment, like he was at peace.

I could only hope that one day it would be me that Seth would sit with while he ate, me that he would talk to about nothing in particular, me that he would once again open up to and share his life with.

When they were finished, Leah pulled her coat on, kissing her brother lightly on the forehead before tilting her head towards the door. I followed her out to her car.

"I'm staying for another few weeks," she said as she threw her bag onto the back seat of the car, "so call me whenever you need to."

I nodded.

"Thank you for…whatever it is that you did…" I smiled weakly.

"Never underestimate the persuasive powers that sisters hold," she said, with a knowing smirk. I thought about my own sisters and grimaced. Leah was definitely right about that.

"You don't have to do this on your own, you know," she said, suddenly serious.

I wondered if Seth's family were resentful that he'd not yet returned to La Push, but Leah's thoughts didn't hold any jealousy or bitterness. He couldn't hide here forever, but for the time being it seemed that was exactly what he wanted to do.

"He won't leave the house. I thought maybe he should go back to their home, even just to get clothes, or stuff, or something. He needs to face it sometime, Leah, but he just…" I shook my head. "I feel so useless. I don't know what to do for him."

"Just love him."

* * *

I watched as Seth's foot bounced on the floor, the incessant tap-tapping on the wooden floor echoing inside my head. Twenty-four minutes of agitated frustration. I couldn't take it anymore.

"Would you like to come for a run with me?" I asked him, even though it was getting late. I knew he needed to - everything about the way he was fidgeting, the way he pulled his hand through his hair every few minutes, the sighs heavy with need. It all screamed that he needed to phase.

I knew he could hear me, but he just ignored me, pretending to be engrossed in the newspaper when I knew for a fact he wasn't actually reading it.

It was so obvious to me that was what he needed, and I couldn't understand why he was being so stubborn.

"Come on, Seth. I think a run would do you some good," I tried again.

"Leave me alone!" he suddenly erupted, leaping to his feet to yell at me. "You don't fucking know what this feels like..."

A growl rose in my chest, and he had the sense to pause. He looked abashed as he took in the thunderous expression on my face.

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that, Seth Clearwater," I said slowly. My voice sounded like scraping steel, and I glowered at him as I continued, "I will pick you up and carry you if I have to. We are going for a run and that is all there is to it."

He gaped at me, but didn't move.

"Outside. Now!"

I had never spoken to him like that before, but I was angry. So angry. I was doing my best; to look after him, to care for him, to comfort him. I was careful not to push him too hard or too fast, careful always to be patient - never daring to want or ask for anything in return, but with just a few words he had thrown it all back in my face.

I was tired. Tired of feeling guilty all the time; for Melissa, for wanting to be happy, for _everything_. Tired of always fighting against him, even to get him to do the simplest things - hours spent convincing him to eat, or shower. Everything was an effort, and my patience for it was officially over.

For once, he was just going to do what he was told.

He stared at me, incredulous. I wasn't sure he even recognized who I was in that instant, with my fists clenched at my side, anger rolling off me in waves of frustrated despair. I knew my eyes would be dark and hard, glinting with rage.

He didn't say anything as he walked past me and down the stairs. It wasn't until I heard the front door close behind him that I let it explode, punching a hole in the wall in front of me.

* * *

I felt guilty for losing my temper almost instantly.

With a pang of regret, I realized the heartache I had put my family through when I had been grieving my own loss. I'd been so wrapped up in my own despair, it had taken this long for me to see the impact on everyone else. Now I knew firsthand how painful it was to watch a loved one go through this. I could only hope I was strong enough.

As I followed Seth's trail into the woods, I thought about my own journey through grief. Grief for a love that had now been returned to me. By some miracle, I had been given a second chance. Another chance at life. At love.

I had to make the most of it.

I caught up with him a few minutes later, taking the lead so he would follow me through the forest. His thoughts held no anger, only a warm contentment as his craving mellowed, and an overwhelming sense of relief as he settled into his wolf skin.

It took us an hour to reach the ridge. I hadn't been up there since the day of Seth's father's funeral. Not wanting to disturb the precious memories that floated on the cool mountain breeze, I had stayed away.

It had been our special place. Maybe it could be again.

I was surprised that it looked very much the same. A decade's worth of growth in the surrounding bush, but the view across the valley remained untouched, unspoiled by the heartache that brought us back here.

Seth's heart sped up as he realized where we were. He wandered the edge of the clearing, his muzzle raised as though he was trying to catch a scent on the air.

I watched transfixed as his mind began to replay memories of our times up here.

..._so fucking beautiful...diamonds and bronze...he feels like stone...tastes like ice..._

I smiled as I realized he was thinking about our first kiss. I had never been more afraid in all my life as I had been when he asked me to step into the sun for him. Expecting him to see me as a monster, he'd instead cradled my face in his hands and told me I was beautiful. I raised my own hand to my cheek in memory, wishing I could feel the fire of his touch on my skin.

My hand slipped inside my pocket and I touched the little wolf carving I carried in my pocket, thinking about the day he had carved it for me up here on the ridge. The feel of the smooth wood under my fingertip was immediately comforting and reassuring.

Seth continued to survey the clearing, his nose to the ground pushing through the dirt, his warm breath visible in the cold air. In that moment he was so wolf-like, so natural in his lupine form. For an instant, I imagined that this was who he really was, a creature of the wild, free of the burdens of his human life.

His thoughts continued to be consumed with thoughts of us. Times we had spent here together; running, talking, simply sitting together as we watched the sun set.

Silently, I listened in as his memories sparked like tiny stars against the blackness of his grief.

I sank to my knees as my mind was bombarded with images and emotions. It was more than I had dared to hope for - that he would remember what we had. Remember our love. I had feared that he had forgotten, or forced me from his mind.

But it had only been buried.

What I saw in his mind was still strong, a love that could never be denied, and once again I found myself buoyed by hope.

He galloped to my side, sensing my turmoil, and pushed his wet nose into my palm. He whined, a silent question that I answered by burying my face in the thick fur of his neck. He smelt like wet earth after rain, a heavy wolf musk that I breathed in as I anchored myself to him. He flopped to the ground beside me, letting me calm myself as I caressed the sleek strands of his honey-colored coat.

We sat in silence, but in his mind Seth pushed more of his thoughts to me. It was tentative at first as he tested my ability to take more of what he wanted to offer me. I sucked it all in like an addict, reveling in the feel of him under my hands, the intimacy of the moment, the willingness of him to bare his soul to me.

It wasn't well-ordered memories like earlier, but a hazy swirl of emotions and feelings. I struggled to define and understand what he was trying to tell me, and eventually I gave up trying to analyze every shift and turn, and just let myself absorb it all.

I wrapped myself in it like a blanket, comforted by the undertones of concern and love. Guilt battled with regret as, above me, I could see and feel flashes of heartbreaking guilt and despair. It was like watching a thunderstorm as his turmoil and confusion crashed over me. Then abruptly, he stopped, his mind calm and expressionless, like a frozen lake.

I recognized it as an apology and I sobbed against him; invisible tears of joy sliding down my cheeks.

He pushed against me again, gathering me closer as he returned to his memories. There was one I didn't recognize.

The last time _he _had been on the ridge was not the day of his father's funeral. I watched, shocked as he tried to find me. Alone in the night, searching for my scent, my presence, my memory. I could sense his loss, his frustration - emotions I knew so well, reflected back at me.

_I'm sorry._

I nodded. His gift had left me speechless, and I tried to regain control of my emotions as he stood. He turned to face the valley and then raised his head to the moon.

His howl rang out across the night, echoing across the moonlit landscape.

It was a beautiful, tortured lament, and in his mind I saw Melissa's face.

I was startled when I heard a distant wolf answering his call.

Seth panicked, turning quickly and running back towards me, phasing mid-air. He fell to the ground, a sweaty jumble of naked limbs and goose-bumped flesh.

"It was Sam," he whispered as he pulled himself to his feet. "I can't. Not yet."

I could see in his thoughts the concern in his pack leader's howl. They wanted to talk to him, see that he was OK. They missed him and were worried. Seth pushed the thoughts from his head, unable to cope with facing his pack or answering any directives from his Alpha.

I didn't push him. I knew he'd have to return to them one day, but right now, I was content to let him hide away with me for just a little longer.

When we got home it was almost midnight, and Seth went to have a shower before bed. He was exhausted, and so was I.

I just wanted to lie down with him, feel his warm body against mine, listen to the steady breathing of his sleep, find a few hours of peace in the comfort of his arms.

The shower had been turned off for a while, and I went up to his room, thinking that he would be in bed, if not already asleep. Normally I waited until he called for me, but I wasn't in the mood for waiting tonight. I needed him.

Seth wasn't in bed, or asleep. He wasn't even dressed, wrapped in nothing but a towel.

It clung to his hips, so low I could see the trail of soft hair under his belly. Drops of water ran down the smooth planes of his chest, and over the outlines of his abdominal muscles as he turned when he heard me enter the room.

He was every bit as glorious as I remembered, and the sight of him, all tousled wet hair and glistening russet skin, made me weak at the knees. My need for him spiked as I stared at his naked skin.

He fidgeted under my gaze, raising his right hand to scratch at his head.

That's when I saw it.

"You have a tattoo?" I could hear the shock in my own voice. How could it be that I hadn't known or seen it?

He looked embarrassed, and I realized he had been _hiding _it from me. I hadn't given much thought to the fact he was always wearing long sleeved tops as it was winter, and for the most part he had always phased hidden from me.

I crossed the room, reaching for him and turning his arm over so I could see the inside of his forearm.

I gasped. "Seth?"

He scowled at me and pulled his arm from my grasp.

"I don't want to talk about it," he muttered and then climbed into his bed.

My heart clenched as yet again he withdrew from me. I had naively thought that after what had happened out on the ridge, things with him would be different now.

But as always, I had hoped for too much.

* * *

The morning sun streamed through the window. The light was softening around the edges, a hint of gold in the bright winter light. Spring was not far away.

I sat in the window seat Esme had built during her last enthusiastic renovation, watching the dust motes swirling and sailing through the air on an invisible current. Seth was awake, the sound of him walking about in his room audible to me even from the other end of the house, but I couldn't shake the feeling of being completely and utterly alone.

It wasn't a new feeling.

I gazed into the distant horizon, remembering my self-imposed exile on Isle Esme, and the loneliness which had consumed me. I had been so desperately lost as I tried to find a path through my grief and despair. It was almost more than I could bear, to watch Seth suffer as I had, every agonizing moment a too-close reminder of the pain that had haunted me for so long.

Why didn't I know how to help him? I'd managed, eventually, to find a path through the dark, and yet I had know idea how to bring light to his life again. I felt utterly helpless. Nothing made sense anymore. I was confused and despaired that the only thing I had in my favor was time, and that was a line of thought I was unwilling to follow.

Suddenly, I wished that Carlisle was here with me. With his quiet confidence and centuries-old wisdom, he would know what to do; or if he didn't, he would be there to simply listen to my problems. Nothing flustered him, and the sense of calm which radiated off him was impossible to ignore. Jasper, too **-** though his gift was more manipulative **-** would have been able to take the edge off the unease which rattled inside me. Maybe he would even have been able to help Seth.

Thinking of Jasper inevitably lead me to thinking about Alice, and it occurred to me that without her vision, I may never have found my way back to myself. That little ray of hope; I had clung to it like a drowning man clings to a life raft.

Did Seth have a life raft?

If he didn't have hope, was there any chance we could it make it through this together? And if I wasn't enough...what then?

I was so lost in my thoughts it was a moment before I registered that he was standing in front of me.

"You kept it."

I followed his gaze to my hand. The wolf carving spun in my fingertips - I hadn't even realized that I had been worrying it while I contemplated whether there was any future for me here.

"Of course," I saidas I returned it to the safety of my pocket.

He took a seat beside me, and for a few minutes we simply sat in silence, staring out into the forest that surrounded the house.

"Where did you go? You didn't come back here...where did you go?"

"I did come back for a while." I answered quietly.

"Then you left again?"

"Carlisle and Esme decided to move to London. Did you know Carlisle was from there, originally? Rose and Emmett went with them."

"Oh." He paused. "I thought you must have all gone together somewhere."

"Not this time." It had been the first time in decades that the family hadn't all lived together. I knew it was for the best, but there were times when I missed them terribly. "Alice and Jasper have been traveling. All over the globe," I smiled.

"And you?" he probed again. I knew we needed to talk, to have _this_ talk, but part of me balked, not sure how much he really wanted to hear.

"I went to Isle Esme."

He looked at me, shocked. "I thought you said it was uninhabited! We joked about it once, how there are no people there, no electricity..."

I didn't answer, and turned to stare out the window instead. What did he want me to say? That I'd moved on? Found someone else? Forgotten him?

"Jesus!" he muttered.

"Did you really think I could stay here? Knowing that you were _right there_, living with your _imprint_?" I asked, the words sounding harsher than I intended.

He flinched at my outburst.

"I didn't know where you would go," he said softly. "I almost asked Tanya, but I didn't think she would tell me."

I let out a wry laugh. "Probably not."

"Did you ask her to come and live here?"

"Yes." I said, waiting for him to make the inevitable connection.

"To watch me?"

I shrugged, watching his deep brown eyes as they narrowed at my non-committal response.

"So I would keep phasing." It wasn't said like a question, and I didn't respond. I didn't need to, he could read it in my eyes.

"That is pretty fucked up, Edward." He leaped to his feet, pacing the floor in front of the window.

I wanted to tell him about Alice's vision, but I knew he wasn't ready to hear it yet.

"I had to have hope, Seth. I would have gone insane otherwise," I said, not voicing how close to the edge I had actually come during my time on the island.

He opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but then snapped it shut again.

I wanted to remind him that he was my mate, my one and only chance at forever, the only person I would ever love. I wanted to scream and shout and explain to him that losing him nearly _destroyed _me. Make him see that he wasn't the only one in this.

But I didn't want to hurt him.

"Despite everything I went through, Seth, I always loved you..." I choked on my own words, feeling close to breaking as I uttered the words I had longed to say to him since I'd pulled him into my arms at Melissa's funeral.

"...and I will always love you. For the rest of my existence, I will love you."

He continued to pace back and forth in front of me, but he didn't run away, and I took that as a sign to keep talking.

"I know there is a chance that you will never love me back. I know that. I know you imprinted and I know you loved her. Maybe you'll never recover from your loss. But if there is even just a tiny chance that you will, then I am prepared to wait. I will wait for you for however long it takes, if there is a chance you will love me again someday."

I knew I should probably stop there. Seth was pulling his fingers through his hair, looking close to tears, but I had one more thing to tell him.

"But if you won't have me for your lover, then I'll learn to be content as just your friend."

It was a lie, all of it. I would never be happy to just be his friend, but if the choice was that or nothing, then I would take what I could get.

It struck me that once again I was holding back my true feelings and the desires of my heart because I was worried about scaring him off. It was like an echo of the tentative beginnings of our relationship when I was crippled by my confusion and fear, when I didn't know what to say or do.

All I knew then, just like now, was that I couldn't live without him.

I hated to do it, but I stole a peek into Seth's mind. His wounds were so fresh, and my words had opened old scars. Grief and guilt bled out everywhere. Desire. Betrayal. I could see him struggling under the weight of my declarations. He was overwhelmed and exhausted.

I wanted him to say something, _anything, _to assure me there was a future for us, but it was all too much for him.

I closed my eyes as I saw in his mind the words he would utter next.

"I can't handle this."

In his mind he apologized, but he didn't say it out loud.

I watched him turn and walk up to his room, every step slow and measured and heavy.

_I'm absolutely petrified of losing you again._

_

* * *

_

Over the next five weeks, we fell into a careful, but comfortable, routine. Things between us were still painfully cautious, but it was bearable. I no longer needed to bully Seth into eating, or coming with me for a run. As to be expected, he still had days where his grief overwhelmed him, but for the most part it felt to me like he was slowly healing and finding his way back to life.

Seth mumbled something unintelligible in his sleep, and then pulled himself closer to me. I could hear his heart rate speeding up and his breathing growing heavier.

I pushed the hair off his forehead to soothe him, startled as he let out a quiet moan and leaned his head into my hand.

I was well accustomed to the sounds of his sadness, and this was something altogether different. He sighed as I wrapped my arm back around him, breathy and soft - a sound that I had not heard for many years.

He pushed himself even closer to me, the heat of him spreading through my shirt, warming the frigid skin of my chest. Closer still, he was so hot...and hard. Hot and hard and rubbing against me, lost in his dream world.

He felt amazing.

I closed my eyes for a moment, imagining that we were lovers again, that I was the one he wanted, that I was the one who haunted his sleep. I imagined him breathing my name, calling out as he lost himself inside me.

My own desire flared as he continued to move against me. The feel of his body so close, so hot, his arousal pressing against me; it was sublime. Memories flooded my head, hundreds of intimate moments we had shared together, moments of love and ecstasy that I wanted to relive with him.

Without realizing what I was doing, I slipped inside his head.

He was dreaming of _her_.

She was lying beneath him, dark hair spread out on the pillow as she moved against him. Soft and warm and sweet. So utterly feminine. Fitting together like two pieces of a puzzle, they moved in unison, riding the same wave towards a shared bliss.

I cried out, the shock and despair so raw I almost felt physical pain in my chest. Inwardly, I cursed myself for my own stupidity. Of course, he was dreaming of her. I was foolish to think otherwise, to let myself entertain fantasies of us making love again.

I clenched my eyes shut, trying to erase the image of her ecstasy from my mind.

Carefully, I extracted myself from his embrace, intent on escaping to my own room. I wanted him so badly, but I couldn't stay here with him, knowing he was with me only in the physical sense. Staying here while he dreamed of making love to her, was simply torturous.

As I slid out of his arms, he moaned.

I glanced down; he was watching me. His eyes were hooded with lust, dark and glowing with need. He gripped my arm, pulling me back down to him.

I protested, but he captured my words with his mouth, crashing his lips to mine...

...and suddenly I was drowning.

Heat and spice invaded my mouth, rolling down my throat as his hands found their way to my face, holding me to him as he kissed me. The taste of him, so hot, more intense than I remembered, was overwhelming, and I groaned in pleasure as his tongue pushed against my lips.

Thoughts and emotions tumbled around in my head; I could barely form a coherent thought as he kissed me, my mind a riot of elation and joy.

He rolled me on top of him, reaching under my shirt to slide his hands against my back, pulling me against him. I supported my weight on one arm, my free hand sweeping across his shoulders, his collarbone, and over his chest, relishing the feel of his body as my fingertips remembered the contours of his body.

His kisses grew more urgent as my hands explored. I tasted the desperation on his breath.

In the back of my mind, I felt uneasy, fearful that this too, would disappear when the sun came up, that it was too soon, that he would run and I would never have the opportunity to be with him like this again.

But I couldn't stop myself from kissing him, touching him, breathing him in.

_I want you, Edward._

I moaned against his mouth as his thoughts hit me. It had been so long, too long **-** I was nearly coming apart, drowning in desire.

I kissed along his jaw, the slight hint of stubble tingling my tongue as I licked at his skin. Every part of me felt like I was on fire. The heat of his hands roaming over my body, the sound of his heart thundering in his chest, the tangy scent of his skin; it was overwhelming.

My love for him, suppressed for so long, was finally free to ignite, and it was burning me from the inside.

I felt alive.

And I wanted to savour the delicious feeling that was making me feel lightheaded. Take my time to explore him, taste him, pleasure him, make the last ten years of abstinence melt away as I rediscovered every inch of his body.

But he had other ideas.

"Now," he begged, his voice raspy and hoarse.

In his mind, I could feel his desperation, painful and throbbing as he thrust his hips against mine. Raw and wretched, it was so different to how he had needed me before.

"Seth, are you sure? We don't have to rush," I pleaded with him. I pained me to say it, but I could feel that something wasn't right. He wanted me, there was no doubt in my mind, but it was with a desperation tinged with mourning. I wasn't sure that was how I wanted to remember our first time together.

_You said you loved me._

I grimaced, not wanting to deny him, but wanting to wait all the same. If I rejected him now he would probably never give me the opportunity to love him again, but it felt so wrong...and so right. I no longer knew what I wanted. The truth was, I was already too far gone to say no, my own need to feel loved overpowering whatever rational thought I may have been clinging to.

_Please...love me...show me...please..._

His hands had moved to my pants, pulling them roughly down over my hips as he begged. Then he was tearing at my shirt, raking his fingernails down my chest, biting my lip. Pulling me closer, harder, crushing me to him.

We used to be passionate and intense, and I had loved that part of our relationship, the strength of our physical love just as powerful as our emotional connection, but this was rough. Rough and savage, the urgency and need radiating off him.

I wanted him to slow down, to enjoy the moment for what it was, but he was frenzied. He ripped at his own clothes, flinging them across the room. In his mind I could see the intense yearning to _feel something_ that was driving him. The need to chase the pain and grief away was consuming him.

His desperation resonated with me. I knew all too well how it felt to lose yourself in an abyss of grief, but this wasn't how I wanted our first time.

I wanted to love him.

He knew I was listening, and he intentionally goaded me with erotic images of the two of us. Old memories sliding over new fantasies, our naked bodies entwined as we kissed and touched and...

He was quickly pushing me over the edge.

I growled, my paper-thin restraint giving way as he continued to push his fantasies at me, and I claimed his mouth with mine. He wanted me to make love to him, picturing me lying over him.

I hesitated.

_Take me, _

_Fuck me, _

_Make the pain go away,_

It wouldn't be the first time we had made love like that, but it would never be my choice. I was always too afraid of hurting him; even with his accelerated healing, I always worried I would lose myself in the moment and cause him pain. Seth was unrelenting, begging me, picturing us in his head, knowing I would never be able to refuse him _anything_.

I knew I would most probably hurt him, but it occurred to me in all likelihood that was what he wanted. To feel something other than grief. To feel claimed and loved in a way he never had with her.

"Yes," I whispered against the slick, sweaty skin of his neck, "Yes."

I licked my fingers, coating them in venom, and then slowly pushed inside of him. He moaned, and I grimaced as his mind registered the sting. I wanted to stop, but he thrust his hips, murmuring against my mouth as I tried to kiss his discomfort away.

"More."

I did my best to ready him, to make it good for him, and then I knelt between his legs. He looked so gorgeous, naked and yielding to me, his eyes sparkling with desire. I lowered my body to his, our bodies aligning and sliding against each other; ice and fire meeting in sparks of pleasure.

As we joined together, all my misgivings and all my doubts were forgotten. I captured his gasp with a kiss, and it soon turned to a moan of pleasure as he let me fill him. He was so hot and tight. So perfect.

I wanted to be soft and gentle with him, to take my time, but I couldn't. The need to feel every inch of him, to hear him moaning underneath me, to love him just the way he wanted me to, was impossible to ignore. Seth pushed against me, moving us faster and harder, and I let myself get swept away on the waves of ecstasy.

I could feel myself approaching the edge and I pushed myself up, reaching between us to bring Seth with me. I stroked him twice, then he shuddered, his warm seed spilling over my hand as he lost himself in the bliss.

Hearing my name on his lips was all it took for me to follow him, and I hurtled off the cliff, free-falling into pure joy and ecstasy.

Afterwards, we lay in each other's arms. I felt euphoric and intoxicated, high on love, never wanting this moment to end. Loving him again; it was as if all my wildest dreams had finally come true.

My heart was full of him, bursting at the seams, but it cracked in half as I heard him sobbing. I gathered him in my arms as his body shook.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Whispered words and tears against my chest. Over and over he apologized - to whom, or for what, I wasn't sure I wanted to know. He clung to me, his pleas fading to murmurs before he finally drifted off to sleep.

I held him tight, my darkest fears keeping me company through the night as I lay awake listening to him sleep.

That was the first night that Seth slept without nightmares haunting him. In the morning when he awoke, there was a lightness in his step and the guarded shadows in his eyes were gone. I dared to hope that his demons weren't chasing so close anymore.

He looked thoughtful as he ate breakfast. I watched him cautiously, still worried that he had been crying tears of regret during the night.

"I think I might go down to La Push today," he said eventually. "I'd like to see Mom...maybe even Sam."

I nodded, relief flooding my body and making my muscles uncoil. A wide grin broke out across my face. This was progress, normally it was me that had to convince him to go down to the Coast to see his mother. And the fact he was contemplating going to see the pack? I was overjoyed.

He glanced up at me, and it took me a moment to realize why he looked so breathtakingly stunning in that moment.

It was the first time he had smiled since he'd come home with me.

* * *

_My__ Liege, __My Love,_

_My Light, _

_My Life._

_

* * *

_

**A/N:**

The support for this story has been amazing - thank you. There's one more chapter to go. I know I said that last time, but I'm not very good with the outlining and it turns out Seth wanted to have his say too. It might even include some sort of epilogue-something and maybe even some..._gasp_...happy stuff. Maybe.

Much love and thanks to my dream team: **Betham**, **Yellowglue **and **Naelany **(consider this update your extra birthday present bb). I couldn't do this without them.

_Thanks for reading. Reviews are appreciated!_


	6. And we ruled the world

_Grateful thanks to everyone who has supported this little story by reading, alerting, voting and favouriting. Every single review is appreciated and loved. Thank you!_

_OWWK would never have happened without __**Naelany**__, who has been an amazing mentor, pre-reader and plot bunneh pusher. I also need to thank __**Yellowglue **__for always knowing the perfect thing to say and for being the best hb&b friend a girl could wish for. ILY, bb. And my beta, __**Betham**__; without her red pen of love this would have been very ugly indeed - thank you!  
I really can't thank the three of you enough for your help and support.  
_

_One last disclaimer: owns all things Twilight. This is an AU story and a work of __fiction__. I made some stuff up and I have taken small liberties with wolfpack canon - no offense is intended toward the Quileute people._

_I'm so sad to say good-bye to these two, but I'm excited to say that I have another Sethward fic planned so if dark and angsty is your thing, author alert! I also have a new slashy one-shot up on my profile - it's also wolf/vamp but Jakeward. Please be thankful that I took my sad-angst ending out on those two and not in this chapter!_

_One last thing (yes I'm cringing at the length of this A/N), I'm excited to say that Once we were Kings has been nominated in 3 categories (including Best Wolf!) in The Slash Awards! (theslashawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com) I'm pretty overwhelmed actually. Please take a moment to go check out the site and vote for your favourites. Voting is open until Sept 24._

_Musical inspiration/playlist: The Veil's Sit down by the Fire.  
_  
_And, without further ado, here is the final chapter of Once we were Kings._

* * *

**And We Ruled The World **

**

* * *

**

I glanced over at Edward. His jaw was flexing, his hands gripping the steering wheel so tightly I could almost hear the plastic groaning. I wasn't sure if I'd ever seen him this rattled before, and it was kind of unsettling.

I didn't blame him though. I was fucking nervous, too.

Even though I had traveled this stretch of road thousands of times before, this time everything was different. I wasn't driving home from work, I wasn't driving down to see Sam for a social visit. I was attending a pack meeting - my first one in over a year.

The road to La Push seemed to stretch on forever, and I couldn't remember it ever taking this long before. My foot bounced on the floor of the car as I stared out the window at the darkening sky, a soft smile glancing across my face as I realized we were passing the spot where Edward used to pick me up for school each morning.

I remembered what it felt like to stand there on the grass verge waiting for him, my hair still wet from my shower and dripping cold beads of water down my neck. The run from La Push to the Treaty Line didn't take long, but I always left earlier than I needed to so he wouldn't have to wait for me, or maybe it was just because I was anxious to see him again.

It seemed like another lifetime that we were in high school. Physically, we didn't look that much different, but so much had changed, so much had happened to us both.

I sighed. Everything had been so much simpler then.

"You'll have to give me directions."

The sound of Edward's deep voice startled me, and I was suddenly aware we were coming up to the township.

"Yeah, sure. Just drive straight through. Sam's house is about a mile out of town."

He nodded, shooting a quick nervous smile in my direction. Vulnerability was rolling off him, and I felt like I should reassure him, pat his arm or some shit like that, but I hesitated. I turned my head just in time to catch a glimpse of the street where..._our...my...Mom's_...house was.

Not _ours _anymore.

The blackness began to creep up my spine again as my thoughts once again turned to Melissa. I gulped, pushing it down again. I had to be strong today. I just had to get through this, for my own sake, for Edward and Sam and for the pack.

Strong and in control.

Later, I would think of her and weep for everything I had lost.

_Melissa_.

But now, I had to be strong. I had my pack to face.

Edward glanced at me as if sensing my crumbling resolve, and this time I didn't pause, grabbing his hand and twisting my fingers through his, finding comfort in the feel of his icy palm against mine.

* * *

Sam's hug was tight, his hands clapping against my back; words left unspoken.

I nodded at him as I pulled away, not saying all the things I needed to, either.

Sam's attention turned to Edward, who stood a step or two behind me.

"Edward. It's nice to meet you." I could have sworn "at last" was about to roll off his tongue too, but he smiled at him and it seemed genuine. Edward smiled in return, still guarded and unsure, but he shook the hand that Sam extended to him.

My Alpha and my...Edward...shaking hands. It was surreal.

The rest of the pack had gathered in the living room; Paul, Embry, Quil, and Jared. My sister once again conspicuous by her absence. I tried to remember the last time we had all been together as a pack, Leah included - Dad's funeral, maybe? Jesus, 14 odd years. These days, Quil and Jared lived out of Washington State, too - it had been years since the two brown wolves had been part of the patrolling pack.

The guys had been having a heated discussion about some sports game, but fell silent as Edward and I followed Sam into the room.

There were more hugs and meaningful glances, but thankfully no one asked how I was doing, or anything else in that sympathetic tone people reserved for the mourning. I wouldn't have been able to cope with that - but at the same time, their concern for me was palpable, and it was surprisingly comforting to be surrounded by those who knew me best; my other family.

I held my breath as a strained and tense round of introductions followed. Edward's smile was tight and forced as he shook hands with Paul, and I could only imagine what kind of animosity he was picking up from his thoughts. Paul had always been the most vocal at declaring his hate for vampires. Outwardly, though, everyone was exceedingly polite, even as the atmosphere in the room was fraught with tension.

After a few more minutes of awkward silence, Sam moved us all outside where we followed a small trail from his backyard through the dune grass, and eventually out on to the beach.

A small bonfire was burning, and we all flopped down on the sand - Sam taking a seat facing the ocean, and the rest of us arranging ourselves in a loose semi-circle around him. It didn't escape my notice that there was a distinct separation between Edward and me on one side of the fire, and the rest of the pack on the other. I moved myself closer to him, resting my foot against his ankle.

Sam started the pack meeting with an ancient chant; part prayer for the pack's safekeeping and part acknowledgment of those who had gone before us. As he came to the end, the rest of us joined in, echoing his words in unison as was the tradition. An image of a pack of wolves howling together at the moon flitted through my head as our voices rang out in the dark.

I glanced at Edward. His face rarely betrayed what he was thinking, but I thought I could sense awe and wonder from him, and I was reminded again that this was a part of my life he had never seen or experienced. I was bound to my pack in ways I couldn't even describe, with ties that ran deeper than blood; and yet, it was something I'd never been able to share with him.

Until now.

It had been Sam's request that Edward attend the meeting with me. He hadn't said it explicitly, but there was something in his tone that let me know he wasn't asking as my friend, but telling me as my Alpha.

It was the first time, _ever_, that a Cold One had been invited to a pack meeting. Normally, not even the wives and imprints got to come to the meetings. I still wasn't sure what the fuck Sam was up to, but I'd agreed to ask Edward, and of course he had agreed to come.

So here we were.

"Tonight, we come to remember one of our own who has passed on to the Spirit World." I tensed, and felt Edward do the same next to me. "Melissa was loved by us all."

I clenched my eyes shut as Sam continued talking about _my dead wife_, trying to ignore the pain that was threatening to engulf me. Edward shuffled closer, leaning against me, silently asking me if I was alright. I had half expected this. Melissa had been family to them, and it was only right they had a chance to acknowledge her, too.

It just made it hurt all over again to hear her name.

It wasn't until Edward lightly brushed the tears from my cheeks that I realized I had been crying. I leaned into him as he wrapped his arm around me, not caring what the rest of them thought. He glared at Sam; wanting to protect me, and hurting because I was.

"It's OK," I whispered to him. And it was. It was stupid to try and pretend that everything was fine, when it so obviously wasn't. They needed to say good-bye.

Each of them had something to say. Something they remembered about her; a moment shared, a memory of happier times. She had touched them all, loved them all, and as the bonfire burnt down to embers they paid tribute to her, their words floating on the night air as tiny pieces of fire sparked into the sky.

A moment's silence followed, broken only by the sound of my sobbing. Once, I would have rather died than let my packmates see me so vulnerable, but I no longer cared what they thought. I missed her more than I could articulate, and the loss of her was so fucking awful there were times when I thought it would end me.

"An imprint is the type of love that few get to experience. It touches the soul and marks you forever. It is all and everything." Sam's voice echoed across our gathering again. In his voice, I could hear the legacy of our tribe that had been handed down to him. He no longer sounded like _Sam_, but like an Alpha. A Quileute chief imparting our histories, and dictating our futures.

"But, there are other types of love that can rival an imprint. A love so true that it will survive the worst kind of loss, survive time and change."

I gaped at him, taken aback by the sudden turn in Sam's speech. Edward's arm tightened around my shoulders.

"Those of us who are lucky enough to know both kinds of love are blessed. It is said that the loss of an imprint is so devastating it will result in the death of the wolf, too, but we have the proof before us that this isn't always the case. For when there is a love that can heal, a love that can give hope, then there is a love that is worth living for."

I felt my whole body relax, the tension and nervousness that had my body on edge since we'd arrived melting away as Sam's acceptance of Edward registered with me. Never, in a million years, would I have expected to hear an almost-blessing from Sam.

"Melissa would have wanted you to be happy, Seth. Grieve and mourn her, but know that she wouldn't begrudge you finding love again."

I took a deep breath and braved a glance up at Edward's face. I didn't know where the hell things were at with us, and I wasn't ready to think about it yet, but the look of relief and thankfulness on his face made my heart clench. He would never ask or demand anything of me, I knew that, but the fact there would be no reproach or retribution from my pack had somehow made everything simpler. I felt lighter - I still didn't know if I could love him the way he deserved, if I could recover and move on, but there was a new kind of hopefulness growing in the pit of my belly now.

Across the fire, my packmates' faces were cast in an orange glow. Where I expected to see disagreement or disgust, there was none.

We stayed on the beach well into the night, the seriousness of the pack meeting eventually laid aside as we talked and reminisced about old times. Even Edward joined in the conversation from time to time, sharing stories from when the Cullens had lived here before, stories from our great-grandfather's time. Whatever hesitation about him that may have been lingering was swept away as the pack eagerly asked questions about their ancestors.

Eventually, we all began to grow tired, and with some reluctance Edward and I headed back to Sam's house.

"Thank you," Edward said quietly to Sam.

Sam nodded in response. I pretended not to notice the silent conversation that passed between them.

"I'll wait for you in the car," Edward said, leaving me to say my goodbyes to my Alpha in private.

Sam led me to the porch, and we sat down on the couch that was covered in one of Emily's knitted afghans.

"Seth, there's something else you should know," he said, getting straight to the point. "The pack, the rest of us, have been talking. About...disbanding."

"Why?" I asked incredulously. I suddenly felt guilty for avoiding them. I hadn't been patrolling for a long time, but I still considered myself part of the pack, and this was certainly something I should have been aware of.

"It's becoming problematic. People are noticing how young we look and, the truth is, most of us just want to settle down now. Concentrate on the family, you know? Quil's got kids now too, and Kim's pregnant. I think the time is right, Seth. The only thing keeping us together as a pack is the...Cullens."

"Right." There was only one Cullen now. My Cullen.

"It happened before, when they moved away...if there were no vampires in the area we are no longer needed. The urge to phase fades, and eventually we could just...be us again."

I could tell how much it pained him to think about his life without phasing, without his wolf life, but I also knew that it was what he really needed to do now. I'd faced the same kind of dilemma when Melissa and I decided to try for a baby.

I swallowed down the sense of emptiness that accompanied that thought.

"Edward's no risk, obviously. Why can't you just stop phasing now? He's the only one here."

"It doesn't work like that, Seth. It's not about risk, it's just about presence. The wolf doesn't distinguish between friend and foe, it just knows there are vampires out there and we have to phase. There's no choice as long as there is a vampire around."

"You want us to _leave_?" My voice sounded distant and hollow.

"Not right now." He said quickly. "I'm just saying that maybe...think about your options, Seth. That's all."

"Well, fuck that. I'm not going anywhere." But even as I said it, I began to think that maybe leaving my ghosts behind, leaving my memories on the sand at First Beach, wasn't such a terrible idea.

"There's no time limit on this, Seth. The pack will keep phasing and patrolling for as long as we need to. I just...have you thought about what you're going to do now?" I shook my head. No, I hadn't thought further than the day ahead. The future was too big, too frightening.

"You're not tied to the same rules as us anymore," he said softly. "Just think about it, OK?"

I nodded, trying not to think about what he was really saying.

Then, in typical Sam-Alpha mode he stood, motioning for me get my ass home. "And now that you are phasing again, you can start picking up your share of patrols."

I grimaced, but didn't argue. It would have been pointless, anyway. I waved goodbye, running to the car where Edward was waiting.

* * *

A few days later, I found myself pushing open the door of the house. It smelled musty, the air heavy with memories I really wasn't sure I was strong enough to face. The courage that had taken me months to cultivate seeped away as I stepped inside.

Mom must have been there recently; everything was clean and dust-free. It looked...normal. Like I could just walk back in the front door and pick up my life again.

Except I could never live here again. Not without her.

She was everywhere.

In the sticks of incense on the coffee table, the silk-covered cushions she bought home from India, the bright red rug by the front door, the bowl of bone beads that she'd made in one of her sculpting phases. In the window, a string of feathers she'd collected off the beach swayed and twirled on a non-existent breeze.

I took a deep breath, but didn't taste her vanilla spice scent on the air.

My feet felt like they were made of lead, but I made myself walk through the house, the sound of my footsteps echoing across the tiled floor.

Everywhere I looked there was just _stuff_, meaningless clutter we'd accumulated over the years. The physical trappings of a life that no longer existed. I couldn't bear to touch any of it, too afraid of the memories that _every single thing_ in this house was wrapped in.

None of it mattered.

The only thing I wanted was her.

And she was gone.

* * *

I was sitting under the big tree in the backyard when Mom arrived. I don't know how long I'd been there, staring at nothing in particular, trying not to think.

"Here," she said simply as she handed over a bag of muffins from her cafe.

"Thanks," I mumbled, through a mouthful of white chocolate and raspberry.

"You're not coming back here, are you?" she asked softly.

I shook my head.

"Okay." She didn't sound surprised. "Let's get this sorted, then."

I didn't want to go back in there, but I followed after her, waiting on the doorstep as she went back to her car to grab three boxes.

"I know you said you didn't want any of it, but I think you might change your mind." I started to tell her that I really didn't want to, that it was too hard and too painful and I just...couldn't, but she held up her hand, making me pause. "Fill these three boxes with stuff, with memories. If you don't want to keep them with you, that's fine. I'll take them with me. But I think you should save something. Just in case."

I rolled my eyes, grabbing the boxes from her in a huff and storming back into the house.

Everyone was so fucking intent on telling me what to do. I was sick of feeling like a child that had to be told everything, like they all knew better than I did what I wanted or needed.

I slammed the boxes on the floor, too fucking tired to argue. Again.

Mom bustled around me, chatting and filling the silence as she started opening cupboards in the kitchen and pulling out all the things that Melissa and I had bought for our home. It felt odd to know I'd never eat from that plate again, never drink from that cup, never use that jug to heat milk for the hot chocolate that she loved.

But it was better this way.

Eventually, I blinked back my tears, letting myself get absorbed in the task. The final task.

I really didn't want any of it. Even my clothes were added to the huge pile of stuff in the living room, destined for the charity shop. I'd lost so much weight since she'd gotten sick, most of my clothes didn't fit right, anyway. Books. Linens. Stuff. All of it could go.

Despite my initial reservations, I found myself filling a box with photo albums. I grabbed one of her teeshirts because I thought I could still smell her on it, and added that too. From the kitchen, I carefully unhooked the string of feathers from the window. Underneath it on the windowsill, I found her wedding ring that she hadn't been able to wear near the end. I slipped it in my pocket and asked Mom to give the rest of her jewelry to Emily.

There really wasn't anything I wanted, or needed here. All of it seemed meaningless and empty without her.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spied a canvas leaning against the living room wall. Red and black.

My stomach began to churn as I picked up the painting. I had promised to hang it up right after she'd given it to me. But I'd failed to keep that promise, just like I'd failed to love her enough to keep her alive.

Just like I had failed to save her.

The hole that she had left in my heart swamped me in a nauseating wave of gut-wrenching despair and I let it consume me, my back sliding down the wall as broken sobs wracked my body.

This was so much fucking harder than I had anticipated.

Everything; being back in the house, sorting out her affairs.

Living without her.

Mom left me alone to say good-bye and, when I composed myself hours later, I was so thankful she was with me, helping me and just being there so I wouldn't have to do this on my own.

"I can't go in there." I motioned to the studio. Visions of finding Melissa lying covered in blood-red paint slashed through my mind, and I felt my knees weaken at the thought of having to go in there again. "I don't care what you do with her paintings, sell them or donate them or some shit. I just can't..."

_The beginning of the end is in there and I just can't._

"Sure," Mom said, without fuss.

She grabbed the box I had filled from the porch, and loaded it into her car.

"I'll call the real estate agent tomorrow. And get the charity shop to collect the rest of it." I nodded, whatever she wanted to do was fine with me. As long as I didn't have to do or think about any of it anymore.

She pulled me into a hug. "Take care, my boy," she whispered against my shoulder. Her smile as she pulled away from me was sad, like she was saying goodbye to me, too.

I wanted to tell her I wasn't going anywhere, that I would always be here for her, but I wasn't sure that was true and I didn't want to make a promise I wasn't sure I could keep.

And then she drove off and I was all alone again.

I slid Melissa's painting into the backseat of the car.

I didn't glance back as I drove home.

* * *

I pulled the car up outside Sam's house. Fucking Sam. I did not need a chaperone to go on patrol.

I slammed the car door loudly, instantly regretting it and cringing in case I'd woken Em or one of the kids.

"Seth, reporting for duty," I said petulantly as I saw him waiting for me.

He gave me one of his best Alpha "looks" and then turned, leading the way to the beach. Silently, we trudged along the shoreline for a mile or so before heading into the scraggly bush that bordered the coast just north of La Push.

As soon as the trees were thick enough he phased, dropping his human skin in favor of the huge black wolf that was the head of the pack. He bared his teeth at me as I hesitated, still fuming that he didn't trust me enough to do this on my own.

What the fuck was the point anyway?

A low growl warned me to hurry up and I sighed heavily, stripping my clothes and leaving them in a heap next to Sam's.

The wolf was not hard to find. Living with Edward meant it was always pacing just under my skin, a constant dull craving to be in the wild; to be free. All it took now was a thought, a pull on that invisible bond of blood and fire, and in a bone-cracking flash, I was a wolf.

The moment just after phasing was like that strange split second when you wake, when it's half dream/half lucidity and it takes a moment to remember who, and where, you are. I breathed in deep through my muzzle and shook my coat, taking in my surroundings; the weight of my sandy coat, the smell of the night dew on the ground underneath me, the distant sound of the waves breaking on the shore.

I was no longer just plain Seth.

Sam whined and ran into the forest. I followed, feeling a sense of relief as I sprinted after him, my muscles stretching and burning as I disappeared into the shadows.

My earlier misgivings about Sam's directive melted away as the two of us tore through the forest.

_Fuck, it feels good to run. _

_Sure does._

Sam's answering thought bounced inside my head, shocking even as its odd echo was somehow startlingly familiar. The 'in your head' thing was always the hardest thing for me to come to terms with, always the last thing I became aware of when I changed into my wolf form.

I slowed my pace as a feeling of nausea washed over me at Sam's intrusion in my mind. It had been awhile since I'd phased with the pack, and it took a moment to readjust to sharing my thoughts and opening my mind to Sam's in return.

It was an odd feeling that I hadn't experienced since I started phasing again. I realized that when Edward was listening to my thoughts it didn't feel invasive, or weird. His presence in my head was almost like a comforting calm compared to the noisy chatter of sharing headspace with other members of my pack.

I felt an unsettling sense of guilt as I realized I actually preferred being out in the forest running with him.

Belatedly I realized Sam had, of course, heard my thoughts.

_Fucking pack bond. _

Sam mentally chuckled. _No such things as secrets from the pack, Seth._

_Don't I know it!_ I retorted. _Well, it should come as no surprise for you to know that I think this is a total waste of time. I don't need "help" running a patrol._

_No, you don't. But you need a kick in the ass to get out of the house, Seth._

_Fuck you! _I started to add some more choice expletives and an explanation about exactly how pathetic I thought this whole patrolling farce was, when I heard Sam's growl from where he ran a few meters ahead of me.

_You want to just hide away forever? Is that it? Shirk your responsibilities and just wallow in your grief? Well, I won't have it, Seth. You need...  
_  
I could feel the blood and adrenaline beginning to rush through my veins, my hackles standing on end as I listened to his arrogant, insensitive prattle_. Don't you fucking tell me what I need, Sam Uley. My wife..._

_Your wife would have wanted you to move on and find happiness. And yet, here you are with someone who has waited all this time for you, who loves you, though God only knows why, and you're too pussy to do anything about it. You have a chance at living again, Seth. Don't throw it away._

_What-the-fuck? _I slowed to a halt, panting hard from the running and the anger that was still flooding through my body._  
_  
Sam sensed that I had stopped and turned back to where I was angrily pacing the forest floor.

_That night when you were up the mountain. I didn't realize before that, what you had with him. And I'm sorry._

I couldn't remember the last time I'd heard Sam apologize.

_I know I gave you a hard time, and I was wrong. I know that now._

_Is this what you said to Edward the other night at your place?_

_Some, yes. I told him you would still need to grieve for Melissa, but that you would be a fool if you didn't see the gift that he was giving you._

_Gift?_

_Christ, Seth. For someone with your smarts, you sure are thick sometimes. Forever. You can have forever with him._

Inwardly, I blanched. Sam was talking about _immortality _- a shifter who keeps phasing will never age, and vampires live for eternity. Suddenly, his whole spiel about not living to the same rules anymore made sense.

It had been too painful to think of the future, to make plans, or to figure out what the hell I was going to do now. The house had been the final hurdle, the last thing I had to face, and now that was done, I was lost, aimlessly drifting in a sea of grief.

Once, I had wanted to grow old with my wife by my side, to have my own children, give up phasing and see out the end of my days on the Peninsula. None of that was going to happen now. When she died, she took all our hopes and dreams, too.

But maybe Sam was right. Maybe it was time to make new plans. Maybe it was time to think about the future.

And Edward.

_Forever_.

* * *

Sam's words replayed over and over in my head as I drove home, my body vibrating with a strange buzzing anticipation. I pushed my foot down, suddenly wanting to see Edward. Right now.

I pulled the car up and carefully shut the door, forgetting for a moment that I no longer had to worry about sneaking back into the house. Even though it was the early hours of the morning, the house lights were on, and I knew I would find Edward waiting for me inside.

I ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time, and burst through the bedroom door.

Edward looked up from his book as I made my dramatic entrance, an indulgent smile making his whole face light up.

God, he was gorgeous.

"How was patrol?"

"Pointless." I huffed as I quickly removed my shoes.

"No scary vampires out there, I take it?"

I laughed. "No. Only one vampire in these parts." I pulled off my jeans and crawled into bed next to him. "And he's really not that scary."

"What? I'm offended!" Edward said mockingly. "You know...I can be quite scary if I try." He shuffled over to make room, but I moved after him, wanting to feel the coolness of his skin and to rest my head on the hard marbled plains of his chest.

"I'd like to see that sometime." I'd meant it to sound light and funny in answer to his remark, but my voice sounded breathless and husky. Suddenly, I was aware that there a new energy crackling between us.

Slowly, I lifted my head. Edward's eyes were darkest gold, smoldering with hunger, and I swallowed down my nervousness.

I pushed myself up and captured his lips in taste of him all sweetness and ice invaded my mouth, and I moaned as his tongue flicked against mine.

He felt so _right_.

My hands roamed all over him as I remembered how strong and unyielding his body was, the coolness of his skin under my fingers, how his breath would hitch as I pushed my palm over his nipple.

He tried to roll over me so he could touch me too, but I pinned him back down with a smirk, wanting him under me, wanting to do this my way.

I kissed every inch of him, worshiping him with every touch of my lips, my mind filled with the gratitude and love that I hadn't yet been able to voice to him.

Sam had been right all along. I had it all; right here. And it was time to make a choice - to live again, to choose the path back to happiness. To choose Edward.

He breathed my name as he caught my thoughts. I could feel his love for me radiating off him as he cradled my face in his hands, searching my eyes and my mind for the declaration he probably thought he'd never hear from me again.

"I love you," I whispered, feeling the tears beginning to slide down my cheeks. "And I want you. I want this."

He sighed as he pulled me into another kiss, holding me tight against him. I wished it was me that could see inside his head. I wanted to know if he loved me too, if he still wanted me, even after everything that had happened. If he could forgive all the awful things I'd said and done in dark moments of grief.

He growled. "I will never stop loving you. Never!"

He wrapped me in his arms and I felt myself relax into his embrace, feeling like I'd always belonged there.

I had expected us to devour each other, to be frenzied as we fucked our way into a new future together, but it wasn't like that at all.

Our kisses were slow and tender. He whispered words of love against my sweaty skin, and in my mind I pushed out my thoughts to him. Thoughts of wonder and rediscovery. How much I needed him to know how grateful I was; for saving me, for loving me despite everything.

Guilt had no place in our bed that night, and I savored every moment of pleasure as we lay cradled in each others arms.

I felt safe and loved.

As I pushed inside him, I remembered how amazing it felt to make love to him. To be connected; two halves of the same whole moving together towards overwhelming, stunning ecstasy.

Perfection.

His name was on my lips as I lost myself, coming hard deep inside him, my breath ragged against his neck as my hips stilled. I could feel my heart thudding in my chest, and I imagined Edward's love for me healing and knitting it back together till I was whole again.

I smiled as I realized I did want to be whole again. Post-coital bliss aside, I wasn't naive enough to think that it would always be easy, but I was no longer afraid of what the future might bring.

Not when I had Edward by my side.

* * *

"What's this?" I asked, picking up the travel brochure from the coffee table.

Edward eyed me apprehensively and then, in a decidedly human display of nerves, drew in a deep breath.

"I don't want you to feel like I'm making decisions or anything like that. I know you're not ready to decide anything yet, but I thought that perhaps, if you wanted to, of course, that we could go somewhere. Not for good, unless you wanted to - and if you did that would be fine with me - but I mean, go somewhere...on a vacation."

I chuckled as he blurted it all out - he was so cute when he was flustered.

"Yeah?" I asked, as I took a closer look at the glossy books. "Italy?"

"Well, Leah's still there, isn't she? I thought maybe we could visit. Maybe even go over to London and spend some time with my family, too," he said cautiously.

I grinned. "Sounds great."

"Really?" He sounded relieved. I knew there were times when he missed his family terribly, and I felt bad that he hadn't seen them for years.

"Yeah. Maybe you should see if Alice and Jasper could meet us in England, too," I suggested, and was rewarded with a wide smile.

"Alright. I'll make the arrangements. When would you like to go?"

"Soon." Edward's excitement was contagious, and I felt myself grinning as I could see him already making plans and lists in his head.

Lately, I'd been feeling frustrated with myself that I couldn't decide what I wanted to do. Stay or leave, go back to work, or not. I felt pressure from my pack, pressure from myself because I felt like I owed Edward some sense of direction, and I felt helpless not having any idea of what I wanted from the future. Edward was happy doing whatever I wanted, which wasn't particularly helpful in the decision making department, and I'd begun to feel anxious that I should know the answer. There was no time limit, no sense of urgency, and I was drifting aimlessly without purpose.

Somehow, yet again, Edward had known exactly what I needed. We didn't have to decide anything right now. We could just go - travel, do _normal_ things like visit family and sight-see in foreign countries, be a regular couple doing regular couple things for awhile.

Knowing that we had as much time as we wanted to figure the rest of it out was suddenly liberating.

"There's one more thing," Edward said quietly. "I want us to have a joint bank account."

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath. I knew Edward was rich. I just didn't know how rich, and part of me didn't even want to know.

"It would just make everything much simpler. I plan on sharing the rest of my life with you, Seth Clearwater, and that includes my money. If that makes you uncomfortable, well...that's just tough. You'll have to get over it." He folded his arms over his chest. I could tell he wasn't going to back down. I'd successfully avoided this conversation in the past, but he was right. The rest of our lives was a long time to have hang-ups about money.

"Fine." I said, sticking out my tongue at him as I walked into the kitchen to make some lunch. "I've always wondered what it would be like to stay in a 5-star hotel." I said, with a grin over my shoulder.

I heard his laughter behind me. "Done."

* * *

"I think that's just about everything," Edward said as he shut his laptop.

It had been a busy few weeks getting everything organized for our trip. I'd let Edward take care of most of it since he was better at that kind of stuff than I was; and besides, I knew he liked to feel like he was being useful. Flights arranged, sister forewarned, 5-star accommodation booked. We didn't have a return date yet, so he'd also arranged for bills to be paid and someone to keep an eye on the house; shit I'd never even have thought of.

There was one more thing I wanted to do before we left. "I need to get something in Port Angeles before we leave. I thought I might go this afternoon - do you want to come?"

"Sure," he smiled. "Shall we take the porsche?"

I raised my eyebrow in question.

"Rose will never know," he whispered conspiratorially. I grinned as I imagined the look on Rosalie's perfectly made-up face if she ever found out we took her car without asking.

"Let's do it," I laughed.

We left just after midday, flying down the highway in Rosalie's blood-red sportscar. Edward was grinning as he pushed through the gears, like a little boy with a new toy. He looked so happy and content, it made something deep in my chest ache. I never wanted to see him upset or lost ever again. Never wanted to see fear in his eyes again.

This, right here, was _my_ Edward - smiling and playful, and decidedly gorgeous.

"What are you thinking?" he asked me. I could tell by his smirk that he'd caught my thoughts, and knew full well exactly what was on my mind.

"My mindreader boyfriend is asking me what I'm thinking?" I retorted, the words out of my mouth before I'd even realized what I'd said.

"Say that again," he whispered.

"You're asking me what I'm thinking when I know you already know?" I asked quietly.

My heart was pounding in my chest and my palms were suddenly sweaty.

"The other bit," he hissed.

"Oh," I said weakly, trying to remember how to be brave. "The part when I called you my boyfriend?"

He leaned over, crushing my lips to his, searing me with his ice-cold kiss. "I like the sound of that!" he growled.

"Jesus, Edward! Eyes on the road!" I laughed.

We made it to Port Angeles in record time. Edward had had way too much fun bending the definition of speed limit. For someone who had zero interest in cars, he certainly knew how to drive one.

I gave him directions when we reached the city, turning to him as he pulled up outside the tattoo studio where I'd had my original design inked on my arm.

"I'm getting another piece. You can come and watch if you like, or wait. Up to you."

"Will it hurt you?" he asked.

"A little," I shrugged. "You should be able to tune it out if it bothers you." For the most part he stayed out of my head, but I knew it was almost impossible to block everything, especially when my emotions were running high.

"OK," he said hesitantly.

Half an hour later, I was sitting in the leather chair, my arm stretched out as Felix started the tattoo gun. The familiar buzz and grind on my skin made me close my eyes, my head falling back on the cushioned headrest as I let the sensation wash over me.

Part pleasure, part pain.

I braved a glance over at Edward, who was watching with fascination as the needle broke through the skin on the inside of my forearm, the ink and blood welling up in its wake. I wondered what my thoughts revealed as he watched the design emerge, arching over the top of my existing tattoo.

It didn't take long, and soon we were leaving the shop. My arm felt fine, the scratched**-**sunburn feeling already fading as my accelerated healing kicked in.

"A feather?" Edward asked me as we drove home.

"She used to collect them. From the beach. She had them hanging all over the house - sometimes she'd make the nicer ones into jewelry and sell them in her shop. Our people believe that souls travel to the afterlife on the wings of a bird. It seemed appropriate." I stared out the window, thinking about how odd it was to talk to him about Melissa. Odd, but somehow easy now. There was still a whisper of guilt on the air, but I'd decided it was important not to pretend that she wasn't still important to me. I'd hidden too much from her, and I wasn't going to make the same mistake again.

"So the feather is Melissa, and the wolf is you?" He tried to keep his tone light, but I heard the question he hadn't asked.

He already knew the answer, he just wanted me to say it.

"And the moon is you."

I looked down at my arm where a wolf sat on its haunches howling at a full moon in the background. Only now there was an eagle's feather framing the other side and draping along the top of the black ink sketch-like image.

Melissa and Edward. Now I had them both etched on my skin to carry with me forever.

"When did you get it done?" he asked quietly.

"After we came back to live on the Peninsula. When I thought I'd lost you forever."

* * *

We went to Italy first, where my sister was running a bed and breakfast in a small town not far from Turin. It was good to see her again, and we spent a few weeks just hanging out. Last time I'd seen her, I hadn't been in any fit shape to really spend time with her, but we more than made up for it getting drunk on Italian vino and talking late into the night. She seemed happy.

Surprisingly, Edward and Leah seemed to hit it off pretty well. I sensed there was more to it than just my sister and my partner getting along for my sake. It was like they shared a secret that I couldn't be part of, but instead of feeling left out, it just felt like it was somehow fitting.

London was next. I'd been so nervous to see the Cullens again, worried they would hold a grudge against me for what happened, but in the end it wasn't weird or awkward; just a strange kind of bittersweet. It was hard to feel guilty when they just welcomed me back into the family like I'd never been away.

I could see how much Edward enjoyed being back with his family. There was a lightness in his voice, like he didn't need to overthink anything, like he could just be himself. I imagined the bonds between them were something akin to what I had with the pack; that subconscious understanding that was shared by those of the same kind.

While Edward and Carlisle talked medicine, stocks and bonds, and whatever else it was that uber-intelligent vampires discuss, Emmett and his boyish antics kept me busy. We relived old times, play-fighting in the woods behind the Cullen's house, and when I wasn't mouthing off at her, I helped Rosalie work on an old Bentley she was restoring in her workshop.

It was nice, and we stayed for months, enjoying the quiet and the comfort of being among family.

After that, we took our time and traveled through Europe. Sometimes, we stayed in the big cities, living the high life in upmarket swanky hotels where we spent our days making love on Egyptian cotton sheets, and our evenings out exploring the city night-life. Other times we took the quiet back roads, and when we came across a village or town that we both liked the look of, we would rent a house and stay for a few weeks. Edward, of course, was fluent in every language imaginable so I let him do most of the talking rather than inflict the locals with my attempts at broken English. We read and talked and went for runs through the countryside wherever we could find enough seclusion to hide a huge wolf and a vampire.

For the first time since Melissa had died, I felt relaxed and at peace.

Eventually, we decided it was time to make our future together, and we headed back to the States; Alaska, to be precise.

"Are you sure about this?" I asked Edward, for what felt like the hundredth time.

"Yes, I'm sure." He pulled me into his arms as we stood in the empty foyer of our new home. "I've told you - I only went back to Forks because of you. I'm happy to live wherever you want."

He made it sound like I'd come up with the idea, but the reality was, Alaska made perfect sense. When it had come up in conversation, we'd both looked at each other in amazement that we hadn't thought of it before.

Isolated, vampire-friendly weather, and Tanya was there.

"It's going to be great," I said excitedly. Over his shoulder I could see the kitchen full of boxes, and I couldn't wait to unpack all the top-of-the-line appliances I'd ordered. There were definitely advantages in shacking up with a vampire with money.

"I just knew you only wanted me for my money," he said jokingly.

"That's not all I wanted you for, though," I smirked at him, pushing him backwards till his back hit the wall.

I slid to my knees, grinning to myself as he groaned when my fingers began to undo the buckle of his belt. I took my sweet time, pulling the leather through the loops excruciatingly slowly and making sure my hands swept over where he was straining against the zipper of his jeans. Teasing him as I looked up at him and licked my lips.

"What are you doing?" he muttered as I pulled his pants down to pool around his ankles.

"I thought that should be fairly obvious," I quipped, before taking him in my mouth.

"Fuck."

I loved it when he cursed. He was always so in control, so cool and calm, the moments when I pushed through his polite, old-fashioned exterior, and had him cursing and begging me to fuck him were the hugest turn-on.

I moaned around his cock as his hand slid along the side of my face, his thumb rubbing against my cheek.

Now that the house was officially ours, I had plans. Plans to celebrate our new life together in the most erotic and enjoyable of ways. I pushed my thoughts out to him; how I wanted to christen every single room in this huge house, make love to him on every possible surface, start this new adventure together by fucking him in every position imaginable.

He didn't last long once the images in my head reached him and he came hard, calling my name as I swallowed his icy venomous cum.

"Now that is out of the way, shall we start unpacking?" I laughed as I walked to the kitchen, leaving Edward still leaning against the wall with his eyes closed.

The house didn't take long to sort out, not when Edward did everything at vampire speed. Most of the time he kept that shit to a minimum, but it was pretty awesome to watch him being natural and uninhibited - just him. We'd brought a few things up from the house in Forks, but most of it was new.

We wanted to start from scratch, create new memories in this place.

And that wasn't all that was new.

_Cullen and Clearwater._

I ran my fingers over the copper nameplate that was screwed to the door of the huge office that we'd set up in the guest wing of the house. I wasn't sure that there was going to be a huge demand for legal services out in the wilderness of Alaska, but Tanya had assured us that there'd be more than enough work to keep us busy, and with the way technology was these days we could do video-conferencing with clients all over the world. After all, since Edward didn't sleep it wasn't like timezones were going to be an issue. I felt nervous butterflies in my stomach at the thought of practicing again, and not only that, but running my own law firm. It had always been my crazy pipe-dream but now, somehow, I'd fallen into my own fairytale, complete with my handsome prince and a happily-ever-after. It might have been an awful cliche, but I was too fucking happy to care.

I pushed open the door, taking a moment to admire the matching antique desks that Edward had insisted we buy. I had said I didn't really care as long as it was comfortable, but he'd argued something about setting the tone of our firm. I'd just nodded and let him have some fun equipping our office with everything his perfectionist ass wanted. It did look pretty impressive, I had to admit. He had thought of everything.

With windows on two sides, we had an impressive view of the snow covered landscape that was the fifty acre estate that our house was located on. On the far wall, hung in matching wooden frames were our law degrees. Mine from UW, and Edward's from Yale; albeit with the dates altered.

He had left the other wall blank, except for a picture hook.

There was just one more thing the room needed to be complete.

Carefully, I lifted it up, smiling as I hung Melissa's painting above my desk.

* * *

.

.

.

* * *

**Epilogue**

**

* * *

**

Not much had changed in fifty years; La Push was still a sleepy small town with a handful of tourist shops, sand-whipped houses along the beachfront, dune grass growing along the roadside. It almost felt like I'd never been away, and yet there would be few still alive that would remember the boy Seth that once lived here.

"It feels weird."

Edward didn't say anything, but he gave me a soft smile and laced his fingers through mine as he drove us to Sam's. He'd had much longer to get used to the idea of eternity than I had, and I was still having a hard time trying to imagine my Alpha as an old man.

Sam may have looked different, but his voice was the same.

"Jesus," he muttered as he pulled himself slowly to his feet from his seat on the porch. As we walked down the driveway, I took in his appearance, shocked at how his body betrayed how much time had passed. His face was lined with deep wrinkles, his skin still the same rich tan but hanging loosely now, once short black hair was now long; straight sleek silver that reached past his shoulders.

"You haven't changed a bit." He held me at arm's length; checking me over with a look of marvel on his face.

"You don't look a day over twenty yourself," I joked, trying to hide the tightness in my chest as I realized how small he suddenly seemed as I hugged him.

Sam let out a chuckle before shaking hands with Edward. He lowered himself back into the old easy chair with a wince, resting his cane over his knee.

"It's good to see you, Seth," he said softly. "I'm so glad you came so I have a chance to say good-bye. I know things must be difficult for you now, to come back here."

"You're probably the only one left who remembers me, from before." I said, ignoring his comment about good-byes. I didn't want to think about that now, I just wanted to enjoy his company, remember how much he meant to me.

"It's like seeing a ghost or something," he said, clearly still shocked by my unchanged appearance, while I tried furiously to reconcile my memories of my fiercely proud Alpha with the old man before me.

Edward had warned me before we came down that it would be hard, but I hadn't realized how removed I would feel from my own past, seeing the image of how I should have looked myself, right in front of me. The implications of living forever were slowly starting to sink in as I sat with the last remaining member of my pack.

The last Alpha. The last wolf.

As if knowing what I was thinking, Sam turned to me. "You're the last one, Seth. Make sure you come back if a pack is ever needed again."

He shot an apologetic look at Edward. "Not all of them are as harmless as your young man here, you know."

I started to say something about the ridiculously slim chances of a rogue vampire straying into the Olympic Peninsula, but Sam held up his hand.

"I know what you're about to say, but I mean it. If a pack is needed, you come home. They'll need an Alpha who knows what he's doing."

"Sam!" I warned.

"No buts. I'm passing the mantle to you now. I hope you'll never need it, but this is yours now."

He held out a wrinkled hand and dropped his necklace into my palm. On a thin, well worn leather cord was a wolf tooth. Sam had worn it every day that I had known him.

"I can't take this!" I whispered.

"Yes, you can and you will. I'm still your Alpha for however long I last..." He coughed dramatically as if to emphasize how his time was running out. "...and this is my command. You're to be the Alpha when I'm gone."

I clenched my eyes shut, willing back the tears that were forming behind my eyes.

Sam patted me on the shoulder, before turning back into his bossy self. "Now, which one of you boys is going to fetch me a cup of coffee?"

And just like that we were suddenly back to old friends catching up over afternoon tea.

Later in the evening, when Sam began to yawn, we helped him back into the house, reluctantly leaving only after he'd cursed at us for fussing over him. I didn't trust myself to say good-bye, so I simply hugged him and then ran back to the car.

As Edward drove us out of La Push, I couldn't help but remember how much I resented being a wolf when I was younger. Instead of embracing the gift I had been given, I moped about being a freak and gave Sam a hard time at every opportunity I could find. Now, here I was - spending the rest of my life with Edward only _because _I was a wolf. The gift I had so despised had been my greatest blessing.

The wolf tooth was smooth against my fingers and I carefully slipped it over my neck.

"Run?" Edward asked me, and I nodded, feeling the urge to be one with the wilderness building up in my veins.

It was after midnight by the time we found ourselves on our ridge.

I phased, wanting to be in my human form with Edward as we soaked up the memories in this place. He passed me the bundle of clothes that he always carried for me, and then we sat on the overturned log and listened to the night noises around us.

"I came here the first day I met you," Edward said softly. "The day I fell in love with you."

"First kiss." I replied. I smiled as I heard Edward let out a soft sigh beside me.

"No...maybe not," I added.

"No?" Edward looked at me, confused.

"Before that. Only I hadn't admitted it to myself." His laugh was soft and sweet, and I leaned over to kiss him, remembering all the other memories we had shared up here overlooking the valley under the light of the moon.

When we reluctantly pulled away, I turned to him again. "The day we talked about being different. You told me to make my peace with it. I remember wishing I would one day accept what I was, and be comfortable in my skin like you were. I think that was the day I knew you were the one for me."

He smiled, fondly. "I remember." He pulled a little ball of wood from his pocket, holding it up for me to see. He carried that mangled piece of wood with him every single day, and it no longer resembled the little wolf I had carved for him so many decades ago.

I pulled his hand towards me. "I made you a new one," I said softly as I put the carving in his outstretched palm. "And when this one disintegrates, I'll make you another one. And another, and another. For as long as I live."

The thought that we would have eternity together was dizzying.

He captured my words with a kiss, cradling the wolf to his chest.

"Forever," he murmured against my lips.

I rested my forehead against his, gazing into his honey-colored eyes.

"Forever."

* * *

_Once we were Kings._

_And we ruled the world._


End file.
